Dating After Divorce and Life Transitions

TW: Now my husband is talking about suicide. He told me he is writing his will and told me where it will be found in case anyone needs it. I told him to speak with his therapist and get help, but he got mad because I pushed him off and didn't rush to be by his side. He also is upset that I seem fine when he is a total wreck. He knows nothing about the new guy, Jay, and I will not be divulging to him that I am dating someone. I told him yesterday it's not healthy for us to be in close communication and that we both need to move on.

I don't know how to remain cordial and on good terms, while also going little to no contact. I am trying..... I don't want to block him again because I want to end on cordial terms. I don't want it to be awful when we DO run into each other at a concert, which is inevitable. I want things to be cordial and friendly. I don't know how to do this.

He’s probably just being manipulative in his threats. Hasn’t he done this before?

People who are divorcing are normally not rushing to each other’s sides and are not cordial and on good terms.

I’m going through similar atm too so I sure understand

Yeah, I hear you.... some couples can end amicably. Not all, but some. I know your own struggles, from having been to your thread. I used to feel the way you do now - and as time went on, I had less of a need for attachment to my husband. I felt the same way as you do - wanting a friendship of sorts. But as I branched out socially, that need lessened.

He has done this before... he is very melodramatic about all things. One time, he called to say goodbye in case his plane went down.

People who are divorcing are removing each other from their Wills. Wth is he talking about that you should know where to find his? Is he thinking he is going to get you back because you feel scared that he is suicidal? You did the right thing telling him to get mental health help.

My h also threatened sui as manipulation same as yours- not me, the one allegedly with mental health issues, I never did, he did. I never believed he would, yet there was fear that I may be wrong and then I’d be sorry for having not taken him seriously. But, no, he never would. He was just being manipulative and that was absolutely horrible of him to do.

He says he has included me in his will. He keeps trying to bribe me with money in various ways.

I asked him if I could contact his therapist regarding my concerns over his safety and well being. He doesn't want me contacting anyone, including the police, his family or the therapist. I told him there are hotlines he can use.

He is basically trying every angle to get my attention and to keep communications open.

It's incredibly manipulative. That's the way you need to see this. And it is horrible of him to do.

No way do I buy that an ex husband keeps an ex wife in his will. I don’t even believe he actually has a therapist.

Shall we watch the video again with the lion?
The Hardest Person in the World To Break up With - YouTube

He does see our old therapist, who was our couples therapist - at least he tells me he still attends therapy. I really don't know if I am in his will - it seems very odd to do.

That was a great video! I had never seen that before. It's very applicable to your own situation... and to mine.

Hopefully he doesn’t have you listed as executor of his will. That would be a cruel joke. Dealing with closing out an estate is time consuming and can be expensive depending on the estate. Honestly might check on that. You can file with the court to refuse, but again, that puts the burden on you to do so.

Otherwise, there is no reason for continuing contact. You know you cannot be friendly without him pulling you back in again. He’s very good at that. No contact is your clear boundary for your future sanity. You don’t have to ever speak again.

Thanks... yeah, I've got to curb the communications with him. He's now invited me to hang out with him this weekend. It was such a vast mistake on my part to agree to see him a month or so ago. That encouraged him.

I better not be the executor on the will. Ugh.

He has family. It’s inappropriate to have exes in the will. Doesn’t he have a brother and nieces and nephews to leave money to? Or any family? It’s asinine to keep ex in the will if you have any family. What does he even have in his will? He’s broke, has no property and no savings so what’s he leaving you? His mom’s money? It doesn’t belong to his ex wife

I had an ex who faked cancer and dying so I know how it goes. He went on like this for over a year. He only stopped after I contacted his family and they were embarrassed he behaved that way. Contact his brother and tell him that his brother is suicidal. Let them intervene. If he doesn’t want you to contact anyone, he shouldn’t tell you he’s suicidal. They have rights to know that he’s suicidal even if we think it’s a lie.

He doesn't want me contacting anyone, so I cannot go against his wishes. He does have a brother, a niece and nephews he can leave money to. I don't get why he wanted to include me in his will - very odd, but probably another manipulation.

You can go against his wishes. You aren’t his therapist. You have no obligation of confidentiality. Call him in it. If he’s playing a game, he’ll be held accountable by his family. It’s not like he’s kept your private matters particularly private. I mean, I’d just claim concern over his safety and let him deal with the consequences.

He’s not leaving you anything and he’s not dying. It’s more of the same. Game to keep you confused and unbalanced and helpless. In one sentence he’s suicidal but then asking you to come hang out on the weekend. He thinks you’ll keep falling for it.

He knows he has control over you. You aren’t even together and he still controls you. You are now worried about him and speculating about his will. And worry about how you’ll run into him at concerts (why does it even matter?). So much mental energy goes to figure out what to do about your ex like you have nothing else to do.

And now you are afraid to go against his wishes. Why? What do you mean “you cannot”. Yes you can. He threatens suicide. All bets are off. Time to get family involved. What can he do to you? He has such unnatural hold over you.

I just thought about him saying “where to find his will.” You aren’t next of kin. You’ll have no access to his place or his belongings. Even if you had access, you can’t go rummage in ex’s belongings after their death. His brother will be in charge of it. Not you. In fact if something happens and you start talking about knowing where is his will, they won’t appreciate it. Even when people leave something to friends or not immediately family, they don’t give them instruction on where the will is at. You have no authority on what happens in case of ex’s death

Id tell your husband (or ex husband) to stop this nonsense.

He knows I am empathetic, so yes, he still has a bit of a hold on me. I don't like it necessarily, but I don't know how to change it, given how I am and the fact that I want a more amicable breakup.

You can be empathetic and do what people do when they learn someone is suicidal and they can’t directly help. I have experience of family members and people whose suicide could be prevented. It’s often cry for help. Call his brother now. That’s empathy. What if he’s not lying? And if he lies and manipulates then still it won’t be on your consciousness.

And you could have amicable break up and still maintain healthy boundaries and self respect. Having boundaries doesn’t make one not an empathetic person at all. Also amicable divorce doesn’t require listening to exes talking nonsense for months and believing everything they say even if they make zero sense

I am not judging as I often didn’t have good boundaries myself, but does it make you feel good that he keeps pursuing you in such gross manner (implying you would literally do anything for money) ? You can’t say you went out with him last time only out of pity.

Also you said he abused you and he continues disrespecting you now and you still focus on how to have good relationship with him NOW. Pleasing your abuser is still your priority and you are already almost divorced and dating someone else. It’s not healthy

^^^^This^^^^

And if he was just being manipulative, I bet he won’t try that particular tactic again.

Oh yeah ex who lied about dying and cancer, stoped all that when I contacted his family. I believed he was dying, but he didn’t even have cancer. His family put him in his place. It didn’t make me unemphatic. I believed he was sick!