Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

No they weren’t talking about customers. He was asking her out to brunch with mimosas because she likes them. It’s very possible they did go. But even if not, intention was there

Precisely. Another lie.

He is very lucky in fact that I am NOT a vindictive, money grubbing, gold digging type of person. I could easily take 17K he gave me, pay a law firm and try to get much more money out of him. But the cost of doing so emotionally and timing-wise, makes it unappealing to me. I want this divorce to be over with and I do not want to cause delays. Sure, I could probably nail him and screw him to the wall over this ordeal, but then what? He will also seek revenge, I am sure, and it will become a battle and war... there's no point, and I am satisfied with the 17K he gave me.

I feel sickened... literally just ill to my stomach over all of this.

You need to find a healthy way to process your anger about him. The longer you hold onto your anger, the longer he is in control. YOU are responsible for your emotions and aret the one who has to deal with them.

I have thoughts about his lies. It is usually the abused person who is last to really see the lies they've been living with and the red flags that weren't known in the moment. I'm hesitant to share some thoughts I have about this inheritance situation. My different perspective may cause you more anxiety and apoear to be victim blaming. My thoughts are impacted by my own life but my intention is not to hurt or blame you. Do you want to know my perspective?

Thanks but no, I don’t wish to hear it and thank you for being sensitive to ask first. I’m very fragile right now and could easily interpret it as victim blaming, as you stated.

He even used my father’s death as a way to manipulate me into believing his lies. He told me yesterday that on his death bed he had promised my father he would always take care of me.. so he wants me to believe this is the case and has been all along. Bs.

Also, to let you know.. your tone comes across as slightly condemning. I am STILL in the divorce process.. it’s not over. We JUST had our divorce hearing last month. I am STILL processing everything and am still in the midst of the emotions surrounding divorce.

I will take as long as I need to to get through this and to process my emotions, and no one should be judging that. No one. It can take years to get over and heal from an abusive marriage.

Considering all that I’ve been through, I think I’m holding up pretty darned well and am getting through it as best as I possibly can considering that I also lost my job and am dealing with all the stress that involves too.

And I am proud of myself for calling him out on his bs. I think I should be applauded for not letting him get away with it - I’m patting myself on the back at least and I’m proud of myself. And that’s all that matters.

I have every right to be angry and I am doing a lot of self care. However long it takes me to get past the anger is my business and no one else’s. It’s healthy I think to allow oneself to work through it. And that can be a slow process. Who are you to judge that process?

I took myself to the beach yesterday and today. Today I went roller blading.. I tried yesterday but it was too windy so I just sat and had lunch at the beach. Now I’m waiting to have lunch again at the beach.. it’s very cathartic for me to be in the sea air. After lunch I think I’ll walk the boardwalk if it’s not too windy.

I apologize for offending you. I didn't intend that with my suggestion. You are absolutly correct that getting past anger can take years. I'm personally on year 9 and wish now I had started 12 years ago dealing with it.

Then I hope I can say something without offending you.., ? but I think you are projecting your own issues and harsh judgements against your own healing process onto me.. 12 years… are you possibly judging yourself??? Please don’t do that to yourself… we heal and process on our own timelines. And it’s OK. 🤗🤗🤗🙂🙂🙂

Be kind and compassionate with your own healing process. Abuse is complex, and has an enormous and profound impact…. However long it takes, it takes. Hugs to you and to you own healing.

I'm not offended at all. I'm much farther along in my personal healing process than I share here. Obviously, I didn't word things clearly in my attempt to support you through these difficult times in your life. I've experienced some of the same things you are now going through. My intention was to share things that worked and what I learned along the way. They may not work for you and that's ok. I don't have a horse in your race as they say. That doesn't mean I don't know how to ride a horse or win a horserace.

You are free to be you and make your own choices. I hope you make the best ones for you.

I think getting angry now is appropriate. This whole time hope was focused either on needing ex’s support and being love bombed by him or worrying about upsetting him and find excuses for his behavior. Finally feeling angry is appropriate at the moment. Especially since she is people pleaser. Maybe this anger would finally help her to move on. Now if a year from now hope posts that she is full of anger and can’t function, I’d be concerned. But divorce isn’t even final yet.

Thanks so much, and yeah, I hear ya. Honestly, what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another person. We're all so individual and healing is a personal/individual process, contingent on many factors.

I appreciate your desire to help, based on what's worked for you. It's a natural inclination to share what's worked or lessons learned along the way.

Initially when you stated I am responsible for how I feel and if I continue being angry, it's only going to give him more control.. well, that's not how I see it, or that was my initial reaction.

Yes, I agree that we are each responsible for how we feel..

but emotions cannot always be contained or controlled.. and we have to roll with them and work through our emotions as they arise.

And as Divine just said, being angry at this stage is appropriate, and I agree. He doesn't need to be privy to my emotional process or upset. It's something that I need to work through, now that I recognize that I am in fact, very angry.

I honestly have not been in touch much with anger in myself most of my life. Anger was dismissed and buried in my family. I buried it by becoming depressed, by self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, and by developing an eating disorder.. I am still learning how to acknowledge, process and deal with anger. It's not a comfortable emotion & I am very used to burying it. Now I wish to learn how to deal with it in a healthy way. Today, I went to the beach and went roller blading. That helped!!!

Glad you had a good time. Exercise is a great way to work out emotions. Also writing in a journal could help.

Thanks!

You know what actually helps me the most? Is talking it out.. on here, in a journal on my own, with my family members, with friends, and tonight I am joining a narc abuse support group. Exercise certainly helps, but I need to process it all out loud and with others...

So, I've pulled a muscle roller blading.. in my groin and it hurts quite a bit. I've signed up for a group hike this Sunday... it's a four hour long hike. I was sooo looking forward to this, but if my groin is still hurting by Sat, sadly, I may have to skip the hike. And I really wanted to hike!!!! This would have been my first time hiking since 2017.

ARGH!!!!! I'm frustrated....

I know I am out of shape, and I should have stretched before I started roller blading, so it's my own fault for not stretching.. I'm used to my body being far more limber than that, and able to bounce back from being out of shape very easily and quickly. But now that I am 52, it's not and I am angry at myself... just one more thing to feel down on myself about. Awesome.

On a separate subject, Jay M. has been gone since Sat, on his sailing trip in the Caribbean. He's called me 3 times on video so far. But I've noticed he is otherwise not very engaging over text.

I met another man named Jay T. last Sunday at a show. We've met before and were already Facebook friends, but we hung out on Sunday and we've been talking over messenger every day since. He is very engaging over text and is asking me lots of questions about my life to get to know me better. He tells me I am beautiful, adorable, and amazing, after sharing details of my life history with him.

Jay M. doesn't say much like that... in the beginning he did and told me I am an amazing woman, but he hasn't said anything complimentary since then, except for once when we went out and he told me that I looked "incredible" that night.

It makes me wonder if Jay M. is truly interested in me or invested in getting to know me better. I sense a LOT of interest from Jay T. I told Jay T. I am dating someone, so he does know about the other Jay...

Jay M. did say that he wants to see me as soon as he returns and he talked about making plans for the weekend he is back... so, there is that at least, and he has called me over video 3 times so far.

I could be reading into things...

I mean, he is busy being a crew member on a sailboat and likely cannot spend much time sending messages while also sailing (I imagine). They stopped at an island and went to the beach yesterday. He told me they met all kinds of people & he and his cousin made friends with a couple people and went to dinner with them. I didn't ask if they made friends with females, males or perhaps a couple vacationing there. His cousin is over 300 pounds and is married... Jay M did tell me before he left that he wouldn't be "babe shopping" while in the Caribbean, but my imagination is running wild and I cannot help but wonder if he is .... he told me last night that he had an "interesting night" and that he would tell me about it tomorrow since I was already in bed... I wonder what "interesting" means.

My point? I don't want to be chasing a man or longing for him to be interested in me and invested in getting to know me better, if he isn't that invested. But it's really hard for me to tell right now with Jay M. I'm getting a mixed bag of signals.. which is making me question and guess about his level of interest in me...

when we are together in person 1:1, he is very engaging with me, but doesn't ask me many questions about myself or my life.

And then there is Jay T. who clearly IS interested and who is very engaging with me, asking me many questions about myself and my life.

I don't know what to think.

Jay 1 (Sail boat guy) is not a long term material in any shape or form. I need to hit the road for work so I have no time to type much but trust me unless you want casual fun, this isn’t happily ever after story

Jay 2 I know nothing about. Is he in a relationship? Why talking on messenger? That’s weird. Love bombing right away is a little suspect. You aren’t dating. You told him you are dating someone else and here he goes: beautiful amazing adorable. Hhmm. Uncomfortable.

I think because you tend to put a lot of emphasis on what men say, you need to pay double attention to all other things about them. Anybody can say anything. And sneaky men (your husband for example) know all too well what women want to hear.

I personally would try not to worry about men right now. Too vulnerable. Easy to fall prey to love bombing. Still angry about ex etc I’d take time off from men

I hear ya.. but, I want to keep seeing/dating Jay M. to see where it goes. I like him and am enjoying my time with him when we do meet up in person. I am ready to move on in my life, despite any lingering feelings towards my ex. I will watch out though...