Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

@Samicat, I disagree with you. Please see my new thread. You do not know our history or anything about our relationship in any amount of detail. You're speaking from a position of not knowing our history. Please visit my new thread about my sister, which has a lot more detail that may help. Thanks.

Troubled and hurtful relationship with my sister

WOW. I'm totally broken hearted.

I was going to take a break from here.. I do need a break... there's too many upsetting things going on in my life.

However, I have got to get this out.

I went to a two-day concert with a new female "friend". I hardly know her and had road tripped with her once before, but I thought she was cool and that we'd have an amazing time together, two single females.

We had a great time on the first day of the concert with no incidents. Fun time!

However, on the second day of the concert she got really drunk. Then I learned that she is in fact, an angry and mean drunk at that.

Out of the blue and over seemingly nothing (I told her we had to move spots because staff were telling us to move), she became irrationally irate with me.... she became enraged. I tried to calm her down and tried to use reason and logic, but she kept escalating and was raising her voice and yelling at me. I saw sheer rage in her eyes! It was actually quite scary!!

I finally broke and got angry in response and told her she was being a biatch.

She then abandoned me at the concert, leaving me to find my own way back to our car in one of the many parking lots! She took off.

There were 25,000 people at this concert....

I was SO distraught and upset that I left the concert after only 5 songs. I missed the rest of the show and wandered around lost, trying to find our parking lot.

I called friends in a panic, asking how I could get home without her. But my belongings were at the hotel where we were staying.

One young man decided to take me under his wing. He helped me to find our car and hung out with me for a couple of hours. He was very kind, very gentle, sweet, and very loving. I was so grateful for his help.

After the show ended, I met up with her at the car. Because of what had happened, she wanted to drive 3 hours home that night, and I said no way, let's stick to the original plan and leave first thing in the morning.

The next day we were polite with one another, but when I tried to calmly discuss what happened, she turned it all around on me and blamed me for the falling out because I had called her a biatch.

I told her there was a problem long before I said that to her, that she had turned on me, became enraged for no good reason, and abandoned me at the show. She denied there ever was a problem!

We drove the 3 hours home being polite to each other. When she dropped me off at my home, I said, "for what it's worth, thank you". She had paid for the hotel and both concert tix.

Well, then in the following days when I spoke with her recent ex boyfriend, he confirmed that she had done the same exact things to him numerous times. So, his experience validated my own. She is an angry drunk. It's like a switch gets suddenly flipped inside her after so many drinks.

I will steer clear of this woman. I am never going away for a weekend with someone I hardly know or to a concert with someone I barely know ever again. Lesson learned.

I was in shock for a couple of days over her behavior.

I find that type of thing incredibly unsettling as well, in fact frightening - because that is the kind of irrational rage my mother would get into. With you it probably reminds you of your ex.


I think the problem is it would upset my perception of reality. Whereas someone from a secure and loving childhood might just dismiss her behaviour as obviously unhinged and not let it upset them too much.


Stoics prepare for meeting such people in the world - angry, intemperate, jealous, ignorant and so on. So that it won't upset them. If I had kids I would prepare them for people's insanity so that they wouldn't get emotionally swallowed by it.

It wasn't you. It was her. Her ex-boyfriend validated your perception, but you need to self-validate. Trust yourself next time. You were in such a difficult position of being there alone with her so for you it may invoke that fear of being in the clutches of someone angry and abusive. I think it's a good idea not to get into such a situation again, or at least have an escape plan.

Aww I'm sorry Hope, you deserve to find happiness and I do hope you find it

We all love a Have Hope

@Samicat, thank you. I definitely have validated myself, but after speaking with her recent ex boyfriend, it just sealed my conclusion that she is an angry drunk. What an ordeal! I don't think the Stoic viewpoint is very realistic when it comes to human behavior. We get upset in reaction to someone's abuse and disrespect. I don't think there's any way to get around that upset.

@willowtigger, thank you so much... you are very sweet!

Good to know you were able to validate your feelings and perceptions.

Perhaps I was not describing the Stoic viewpoints accurately enough. It doesn't mean that they never get upset, but that they try to anticipate such things and have methods of dealing with them also.

That makes more sense to me.

I ran into my ex husband last night at a concert. UGH! My heart was pounding and I could feel my anxiety in my throat and stomach as soon as I saw him. A PTSD reaction. He smiled at me as soon as he caught my eye, and I immediately looked away and kept walking. I did not smile back. We were pretty far apart from on another with people in between us, but he saw me coming out of the building. It was difficult to to fully enjoy the show after that. HIs presence was on my brain and I couldn't get rid of thoughts of him. This sucks... I still have PTSD.

Trauma sucks, I'm sorry you had to experience that, Hope

@willowtigger, thank you, darling.

Guess I have a lot more healing to do.

I'm really disappointed... in my ex husband for failing me as a husband, and with various people for not living up to my expectations of human decency and hurting me/harming me. It really hurts.

Have Hope means everything in the whole of all the universes to this forum

TY.

I broke my no contact rule with my ex husband. I was so triggered by seeing him the other night, I contacted him to dump all my feelings out. He still claims to love me and want me back. He claims he is miserable without me. I told him off and told him that he always treated me like I am the enemy and as though he hates me. Then I blocked him again.

Back to square one.

All of my friends, including my ex husband, went to the Dead and Company concerts this weekend, Sat and Sunday nights. I couldn't go because I don't have the money to pay for the tickets, and they were pricey. I was even offered 2 tix to Sunday's sold out show, but I had to decline. I spent the night last night by myself and went to bed early. I woke up to seeing all my friends' posts on Facebook about how amazing Sunday night's show was, with video clips and fun group pictures at Fenway Park. Knowing my ex was also there is just icing on the cake, making me feel worse than I already do. I am sad that I had to miss these shows, especially since it's the band's FINAL tour. I am upset because last night's show's set list was really good and I missed a great show, even though I had the opportunity to go. I actually DO have the money, but I am on a strict budget and decided that I have to stretch out the funds that I have as long as possible. So I forfeited for the sake of being a responsible adult.

Then, on top of this, the Wed night band that I see every week at a favorite music venue? Things blew up there. Our favorite bartender was fired. I received a message from her mother, a woman who attends the Wed night concerts, a lengthy message describing in detail what had happened. The bartender's ex, who is the lighting guy, got her fired and asked management to fire her. Apparently, the lighting guy is a narcissist and abused the bartender badly, including physical abuse. They had broken up, and she started dating someone else who treats her better. When her ex found out that she's dating someone, that's when he asked management to fire her. So, now her mom, a fan of the band and venue, wants the crew to boycott the venue, although she tried in her message to not tell us all what to do. She said it's up to us, but she wants us all to boycott.

Now what do I do? I love my Wed night band. I love the venue. This is my release and relief every week from my life's stressors. I cannot imagine NOT going now, but I side with the bartender and her mother at the same time. And now other friends are posting about it using vague language on Facebook, in outrage. I want to keep going there. It's not my issue OR business really, and none of this has anything to do with me. But they're saying that management is just after the money. Ugh! SO much drama lately.... I can't deal with all the negativity!!!

I would have loved to be there, too!! I also know I can not afford to do what I would like me sometimes, but I guess that is life. Staying on a financial plan is imperative if you are not working or have a low income. Hopefully there will be other concerts that cone along those hat you will be able to attend..My wish is that you find employment so you can have more freedom to do what you like.

How much are the tickets?

Thank you so much. Everyone had so much fun. UGH. I so wish I could have gone!!! I do have tickets for other concerts this summer already, so that's good at least!!! But yeah, living within my means and staying within my budget is imperative right now.