[jesyka]

Last night my husband was nasry to me. It started when he lectured me about not answering scam calls when I was trying to watch t.v. I said I know better rhan to answer the phone & that I don’t want to hear it anymore 3 times. He kept irritating me & he wouldn’t shut uo, so I raised my voice & told him to just shut up. He got mad & I told him that he was making me mad but going on & on sbout things.

He said I needed to listen to him as I’m naieve & I tild him I’m not that naieve & thst he can’t force me to listen to him. Idk if he was still mad when he told me to give him back his credit card rudely in bed. I have it niw to pay for a few Drs. vusits.

I don’t have enough on mine. I said that I’ll need it to see my new general practitioner today to go over the results of a bloodtest. He whined about me going to the doctors often & said that he doesn’t spend any money on himself & that I go to the doctors to often.

We have no insurance as he says he can’t afford it & he doesn’t trust doctors as he thinks they scam people m. He’s smart, but he has this idiotic belief rhst the body can heal itself from anything, literally. He himself hasn’t been to any doctor except for getting stitches & surgery for his groin area years ago.

He is trying to get me to not get any health care at all, but I fight him on things. I’m 50 years ild & have put off a lot of things to save money. I didn’t even ger my yearly gynecologist exam yet, but one is scheduled in a few weeks. I need to get a mammogram too.

I could have type 2 diabetes. The bloodtest results will be discussed later today. He’s crazy! I told him, do you want me to get sick & die? He told me that I’m exaggerating things. I told him that I put everoff for to long & that it’s better to detect illnesses early than later when it’s to late.

He wouldn’t listen to me & accused me of exaggerating things & spend ling to much money, ugh! I don’t qualify for ANY low cost insurance or service.

I have gotten on a payment plan at my dentists iffice. I recently had my teeth cleaned & will have an ugky chipped & stained tooth removed or something like that in 2 weeks.

I’m so sick of fighting for my basic needs! I think that he enjoys controlling me. I can’t get a job as I’m mentally & physically disabled & am working on getting disability. I can’t keep any job for more than a week usually as most places say I’m to slow, I don’t fit in, they end up not liking me, etc.

I tried, I’m done wasting my time & done with being bullied for minimum wage. I don’t kniw how to plsy the game or play office politics l. I usually keep to myself & somehow it offends some people. Or I try & get rejected anyways.

We used to have insurance years ago. He was still nasry about things though. He wouldn’t tell me when he didn’t pay the insurance comoany too. Nasty!

He owes the IRS a lit if money but he lies & says he doesn’t know how much. He only ytokd me that because I keepseeing the letters, so he can’t hide that from me.

He’s been in debt for over 20 years. Weird! Please don’t ask me anything as I honestly have no clue what’s going on other than that.

How can I get him to take my health seriously? I’m very upset that he cares a lot more about saving money than my health! If I got cancer, I bet he’d rather have me stat hime & let my body heal itself & let me die instead of getting chemotherapy, lol 😆

What can I do to get him to listen to reason & how do I get him to stop being nasty to me when we discuss this? He interrupts me a lot & won’t listen too.

[Blueowl]

If he has been treating you like this for years…. And you have brought it up…. And nothing changes…. It’s not right.
Someone who cares about you will do what they can to make sure you are taken care of, and health is a basic necessity, not a frivolous expense. Have you tried counseling?

[ArmorPlate108]

You're not going to be able to get him to care about your health. If anything, it sounds like he may enjoy the back and forth you have with him over it.

Those needs should be taken care of and you shouldn't have to justify them. What would happen if you just took care of your medical needs without saying anything much to him? Do you need to ask him for something generally? A ride? Money? Ugh, you shouldn't have to ask for money or a credit card for necessities, especially not health stuff.

[divine1966]

It doesn’t sound like real marriage to me. Marriage supposed to be a partnership. This isn’t. Why is he with you if he doesn’t even care about your well being and who doesn’t get health care? It’s absolutely crazy. You can’t make him care or change his ways. He is who he is.

[Molinit]

You wrote recently about having pictures of a trip you took to Spain. How can people go to Spain and not have any health insurance in the United States? Neither one of you have a job that provides insurance?

What positive things do you get out of this relationship? Time to think about whether this is going to work for you or not. you're getting older and likely more medical issues will come up.

[divine1966]

I didn’t even think about trip to Spain! The guy is too broke to afford health insurance, is in a ton of debt, owes ton of money to IRS but buys international trips for TWO people for TWO weeks. This is highly unusual.

I do quite a bit of international travel and know what that costs. It’s not for broke people with ton of debt. Two weeks!

[Mendingmysoul]

Neglecting spouses health issues is wrong on your husband's part.Why does he do that?

[rechu]

Unfortunately, the reality is that if you are financially dependent, these situations can arise. Cases like this used to be much more common when women had limited chances to work. It sounds like he is taking his frustrations about his debts and other issues out on you because he knows you are stuck in the situation.

A lot of people that are disabled manage to work at least part time, including many on this forum. Have you looked into any programs that help disabled people find jobs? Maybe there are some options out there you haven't thought of.

[divine1966]

Vocational disability service can locate employment and training for every possible disability and every needs you have-if you have a disability. I can locate services for you if I know where you live. I do it for a living.. There’s something for everyone, you just need help locating it. Let me know

Now it’s ok not to work if that’s what you jointly decided as a couple and are both comfortable with and can afford. But it’s clearly not the case as you aren’t in agreement about it and can’t afford it and don’t have basic needs met such as health care. Living without insurance is scary because it could put you in major debt if you have to go to the hospital or need surgery or have serious illness. You cannot continue living like that

[jesyka]

You’re right about everything that you said. He refuses to get counseling. I gave up on it as it doesn’t work for me at all.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108

You're not going to be able to get him to care about your health. If anything, it sounds like he may enjoy the back and forth you have with him over it.

Those needs should be taken care of and you shouldn't have to justify them. What would happen if you just took care of your medical needs without saying anything much to him? Do you need to ask him for something generally? A ride? Money? Ugh, you shouldn't have to ask for money or a credit card for necessities, especially not health stuff.

Why would he like the back & forth? Is it a control thing maybe? He seems like a control freak. He only gives me a certain amount of cash each week. Ugh.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

It doesn’t sound like real marriage to me. Marriage supposed to be a partnership. This isn’t. Why is he with you if he doesn’t even care about your well being and who doesn’t get health care? It’s absolutely crazy. You can’t make him care or change his ways. He is who he is.

True. I don’t know why he’s with me. I obviously need him for financial reasons unfortunately.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Molinit

You wrote recently about having pictures of a trip you took to Spain. How can people go to Spain and not have any health insurance in the United States? Neither one of you have a job that provides insurance?

What positive things do you get out of this relationship? Time to think about whether this is going to work for you or not. you're getting older and likely more medical issues will come up.

Yeah, we went to Spain. He doesn’t believe in health insurance or doctors. Insurance would cost about $800 a month or more for each of us.

The problem is that he thinks that doctors & health insurance is unnecessary as the body can heal itself he thinks. Ugh!

Supposedly we’ll get insurance again after he pays off the IRS which will never happen as he’s owes them a lot if money for a very long time. He refuses to tell me how much, ugh.

My husband is a weirdo obviously.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I didn’t even think about trip to Spain! The guy is too broke to afford health insurance, is in a ton of debt, owes ton of money to IRS but buys international trips for TWO people for TWO weeks. This is highly unusual.

I do quite a bit of international travel and know what that costs. It’s not for broke people with ton of debt. Two weeks!

I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. He tecuses to get insurance as he doesn’t believe in doctors & thinks that they’re scam artists, lol.

Supposedly we’ll get it after he pays off the IRS, but that’ll never happen as he’s been in debt forever.

I don’t understand him. It’s a miracle that we ever had insurance in the past. He owns his own business, so he doesn’t have insurance coverage.

He’s cheap when it comes to most things. We had to fill up at the breakfast buffet in Spain. He yelled at me for spending money ONCE on clothes that cost less than $100 for 5 items!

We live in an ugly fixer upper & we both drive old used cars. It’s a miracle that we even get to travel at all, lol! He’s weird!

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Neglecting spouses health issues is wrong on your husband's part.Why does he do that?

Please see my answer regarding his attitude towards doctors & health insurance.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Vocational disability service can locate employment and training for every possible disability and every needs you have-if you have a disability. I can locate services for you if I know where you live. I do it for a living.. There’s something for everyone, you just need help locating it. Let me know

Now it’s ok not to work if that’s what you jointly decided as a couple and are both comfortable with and can afford. But it’s clearly not the case as you aren’t in agreement about it and can’t afford it and don’t have basic needs met such as health care. Living without insurance is scary because it could put you in major debt if you have to go to the hospital or need surgery or have serious illness. You cannot continue living like that

Thanks for offering to help me. I believe that I’d be wasting my time & yours though for the following reasons :

1) I have an extremely difficult time learning anything new usually. I think that I have a learning disability.

2) I have difficulty remembering anything I don’t care about.

3) It takes me a lot longer than a week to learn anything. Most employers do NOT have the paitientce to properly train me in anything.

4( My people skills aren’t good. I dont know what it us exactly, but most people either ignore me at work or they end up bullying me for some reason.

I don’t understand why this is as I’m a nice person. I’m shy & introverted, but I try to talk to other people.

5) I’m kind of stupid. Only the crappiest most high turn over jobs will hire someone with my low intelligence level.

6) I have social anxiety. I’m not as bad as I used to be, but I’d rather not socialize with people most of the time as I’m not good at it. I can go through the motions, but it’s not something that I do well.

7) I have back & knee issues which makes it almost impossible to do a lot of physical work that requires lifting heavy stuff & bending down a lot.

What place would want somone like me aside from a low paying minimum slave labor retail job?

They abuse employees, They never give anyone more than 20 hours a week. Most places give employees 2-10 hours a week. I got as little as 2 hours a week!

I was lied to about working conditions & hours too. I don’t need the money so bad that I’d go back to being bullied & worked to death for next to nothing. I was also sexually harassed at few places & I has a wallet with cash & my I.D stolen at one job.

Work is stressful enough without having to deal with nasty coworkers m, perverts, and mean supervisors.

Even when I wasn’t bullied directly except for one manager, I was humiliatied whenever no one ever said thar I did a good job at Target. I worked on the floor & I was a cashier too.

Before every shift, they’d ask everyone who they choose to nominate in a group & I was only chosen once out of pity in 2 months I think. I worked hard, so it was insulting to be treated that way. No one invited me to sit with them during breaks either.

Thanks anyways. Obviously I’m a lost cause. Hopefully I’ll be able to get disability.

If you can hook me uo with a no stress work at home job to whete I don’t need to know that much about computers & not have to deal with people that much or not at all, then I’ll consider it.

Absolutely no sales though. Again, I’m not a likeable person obviously m, so I prefer to not deal with people at all.

I wouldn’t mind doing repetitive data entry work.

I live in Ca. near San Jose btw.

[divine1966]

So did you talk to vocational disability services in California? I can locate services for you in your area if you cannot find them, however hooking you up with actual job across the country would be complicated. Especially since you have unrealistic expectations of a job

When you file taxes did you see what you owe? Next time you do taxes refuse to sign it without seeing what’s on there. Why are you signing it? He needs your signature. Don’t give it to him until you know the amount.

“No stress don’t need to know much about computer and no communicating with people” type of job likely doesn’t exist. You can clean houses or babysit (that’s stressful though). It’s inside, no computers and not much stress. But you said you can’t do physical job. Personal shopper? Work for instacart or shipt?

That’s why I am saying if you have a disability (not that you think you do but have actual proof), you need to talk to vocational disability services and they will help you out. If you do not have a disability, but suspect you have one, you need evaluation by a psychiatrist (if it’s mental or cognitive disorder that you suspect) or your GP (if it’s physical) and they can refer you to whatever evaluation you need. You’ll need that for receiving disability anyways

You cannot rely on him so you need to start relying on yourself

[Discombobulated]

Hi Jesyka I think divine has given really good practical advice. I just wanted to add that from what you’ve written to me before when we talked about possible autism and added to what you’ve written here about your learning difficulties I really feel it might be helpful to be assessed.

There were a lot of people, particularly women, who flew under the radar for autism diagnosis from our generation. Many of them thought they were stupid too, but they just learned differently- that wasn’t recognised back then.

You need support imo, which you don’t appear to be getting. Sadly I wouldn’t count on your husband, he doesn’t sound like he is at all supportive. If you do get assessed as having a need or disability you may be able to access more support, not just payments but support in getting into work.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

So did you talk to vocational disability services in California? I can locate services for you in your area if you cannot find them, however hooking you up with actual job across the country would be complicated. Especially since you have unrealistic expectations of a job

When you file taxes did you see what you owe? Next time you do taxes refuse to sign it without seeing what’s on there. Why are you signing it? He needs your signature. Don’t give it to him until you know the amount.

“No stress don’t need to know much about computer and no communicating with people” type of job likely doesn’t exist. You can clean houses or babysit (that’s stressful though). It’s inside, no computers and not much stress. But you said you can’t do physical job. Personal shopper? Work for instacart or shipt?

That’s why I am saying if you have a disability (not that you think you do but have actual proof), you need to talk to vocational disability services and they will help you out. If you do not have a disability, but suspect you have one, you need evaluation by a psychiatrist (if it’s mental or cognitive disorder that you suspect) or your GP (if it’s physical) and they can refer you to whatever evaluation you need. You’ll need that for receiving disability anyways

You cannot rely on him so you need to start relying on yourself

Thanks for the info. No, I didn’t look for anything like that yet as I’m going to see if I can get disability first. I should’ve tried to get disability years ago instead of repeating the same mistakes. I obviously can’t keep a job for long even though I tried to.

As for being ‘picky’, I lnow my limits. What woukd I work at a job that I’m not suited for or one that I can’t handle?

I literally can’t handle ceetain things. I hate kids & I’m physically disabled. I’ll look into gettung help from doctors before sending in anything in.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Hi Jesyka I think divine has given really good practical advice. I just wanted to add that from what you’ve written to me before when we talked about possible autism and added to what you’ve written here about your learning difficulties I really feel it might be helpful to be assessed.

There were a lot of people, particularly women, who flew under the radar for autism diagnosis from our generation. Many of them thought they were stupid too, but they just learned differently- that wasn’t recognised back then.

You need support imo, which you don’t appear to be getting. Sadly I wouldn’t count on your husband, he doesn’t sound like he is at all supportive. If you do get assessed as having a need or disability you may be able to access more support, not just payments but support in getting into work.

Thanks. I’ll get a diagnosis soon.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by rechu

Unfortunately, the reality is that if you are financially dependent, these situations can arise. Cases like this used to be much more common when women had limited chances to work. It sounds like he is taking his frustrations about his debts and other issues out on you because he knows you are stuck in the situation.

A lot of people that are disabled manage to work at least part time, including many on this forum. Have you looked into any programs that help disabled people find jobs? Maybe there are some options out there you haven't thought of.

I have worked at back breaking low paying jobs before to where I was bullied, sexually harassed & over worked. Should should I go back to working minimum paying jobs to where I get abused because half of other disabled people on here work despite being disabled?

Maybe they’re supported & not abused. Please don’t insinuate that I don’t want to work. I can’t. If I did, I’d probably just get fired after a week again.

[jesyka]

Originally Posted by divine1966

So did you talk to vocational disability services in California? I can locate services for you in your area if you cannot find them, however hooking you up with actual job across the country would be complicated. Especially since you have unrealistic expectations of a job

When you file taxes did you see what you owe? Next time you do taxes refuse to sign it without seeing what’s on there. Why are you signing it? He needs your signature. Don’t give it to him until you know the amount.

“No stress don’t need to know much about computer and no communicating with people” type of job likely doesn’t exist. You can clean houses or babysit (that’s stressful though). It’s inside, no computers and not much stress. But you said you can’t do physical job. Personal shopper? Work for instacart or shipt?

That’s why I am saying if you have a disability (not that you think you do but have actual proof), you need to talk to vocational disability services and they will help you out. If you do not have a disability, but suspect you have one, you need evaluation by a psychiatrist (if it’s mental or cognitive disorder that you suspect) or your GP (if it’s physical) and they can refer you to whatever evaluation you need. You’ll need that for receiving disability anyways

You cannot rely on him so you need to start relying on yourself

I never signed anything for taxes. I didn’t know that.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by jesyka

I never signed anything for taxes. I didn’t know that.

Both my husband and I must sign in order to file. It’s not legal for him file jointly without your signature. Something fishy is going on

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by jesyka

You’re right about everything that you said. He refuses to get counseling. I gave up on it as it doesn’t work for me at all.

If he does not ever go see a doctor except for stitches, and believes his both will heal itself, he is not going to believe in counseling, either.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

Originally Posted by jesyka

Yeah, we went to Spain. He doesn’t believe in health insurance or doctors. Insurance would cost about $800 a month or more for each of us.

The problem is that he thinks that doctors & health insurance is unnecessary as the body can heal itself he thinks. Ugh!

Supposedly we’ll get insurance again after he pays off the IRS which will never happen as he’s owes them a lot if money for a very long time. He refuses to tell me how much, ugh.

My husband is a weirdo obviously.

There are tax relief companies that, for a fee, will negotiate a settlement with the IRS if you are in financial trouble and it sounds like you are. There are scammers among them, but some are legitimate: your husband would need to look at consumer reviews and check with the Better Business Bureau. But it is possible.

There is obviously a huge power imbalance in the marriage, and one symptom of it is that your husband is hiding from you how much you owe to the IRS. But you said that you saw letters that come from the IRS. Have you ever opened them or is your husband now allowing you to open your joint mail?