[black-roses]

I feel like as I am that I'm not ready for be with anyone I think mentally I have a phobia of living alone and independent it doesn't make sense but I feel like I'm not capable of doing things on my own. I feel lost if someone does order me to do something I wonder if growing up in the environment made it easy for me to attract controlling people because I just don't feel comfortable doing things on my own. I feel that I am different to others and alien. I feel trapped in my own head on most days just living life to watch people live. I don't feel like I have an independent identity from someone else I'm trying to figure out what's me and what's someone else and I feel like I never matured beyond the mental capacity of a ten year old. It makes me sad because when I see people with jobs and shopping on there own I see how different I am to my peers. It makes me feel sad and reenforces my own fears that I am indeed different to everyone it makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel disappointed in the way I am. I feel that I should have done more with my life than just be at home with mum. I feel upset with myself. I don't see anyone at fault other than me for the complacency and laziness that I have. The lack of motivation I feel lost. I'm not sure what I am meant to be doing. I'm doing basic stuff to learn to be a nurse but I find it hypercritical because I haven't been able to fix myself how am I meant to help another. I feel like a ghost in human form..I feel inferior. I feel emptiness and emeshment with everything around me I haven't formed my own identity beyond my mum and my family dynamic. I feel deficient in lots of skills. It scares me what could happen to me if my brain doesn't overcome my trauma I'll be stunted. I don't want to be stunted I don't want to be like this. I also don't want to need my mum and be someone that relies on her. I wish I could drive myself to appointments I wish I didn't scare my family when I say I want to drive and work. I don't want them to think I'm disabled. It's just a lot of things to feel trapped in your own brain that doesn't allow you to function. I am sad at the potential that was lost to trauma..I know I would have been very effective I feel like my soul has been taken from me. The truth is there's nothing that makes me feel more pain then the grief I feel at the potential that was lost to trauma. It hurts more than the original trauma.