I'm so mad at myself for this

I received an amazing job offer yesterday but had no one nearby me to celebrate with. And, the thought of my abusive narc ex husband came up, thinking that normally, we would have been celebrating my accomplishment. Then I got sad over the fact that we're not celebrating, and that I have no one to celebrate this with. Not a partner, I mean. And, I wanted one, very badly last night. So, I caved and weakened and contacted my ex by email. I told him the news, but also shared that I didn't expect a reply and that it doesn't change how I feel at all towards him.

I am so angry at myself for weakening. I know better. Whenever we've had contact, it only just destabilizes me and triggers me to the point where I feel seriously unsteady on my feet.

Perhaps that's why I told him I don't expect a reply? I didn't really want to instigate any more toxic communications back and forth. But I certainly opened that door again, risking the possibility of a reply and then back and forth communications.

I am upset with the fact that I miss him sometimes. The good parts of him. And he did show a good side, but I also know that it wasn't real. It was all a facade that he wears to make people THINK he's a good person. And he wants to believe this lie himself and does believe it.

But I've seen him be the absolute devil to me as well. The cruel words, him screaming at me and chasing me around the house while yelling at me, the mean jokes, the put downs and constant criticisms, the way he would tell me what to do and how to do it at all times, making me feel stupid and inept. All the control.. and holding me down in bed against my will. Cheating on me. This is not even the whole of it, but is the bad side.

I think I more so miss having SOMEONE to share my good news with, to celebrate with and to share my life with. That's what I truly miss, and not necessarily HIM when I really think hard on how he truly was when I was with him.

But why oh why did I have to cave and reach out to him? I am beating myself up over it and feel like crap as a result.

How do I forgive myself and regain my power?