I'm so mad at myself for this

I am still trauma bonded to my ex. I've seen on my Facebook abuse forums women who are still trauma bonded a year, or even many years, after leaving their narc abuser. Ugh. It's so hard to break. The cognitive dissonance is for real. The trauma bond is for real.

I still want to think of him as having a good side, and I want to still believe that deep down he's a good guy, but he's not. But that sweet side that he shows really throws me for a loop and makes me think there is good in him.

When he was threatening to take away the 17K he had given me by threatening to take me to court, I saw his true colors come through. I was crying, begging, and pleading with him on the phone to not take me to court and to not take that money away, but he didn't care and he continued to call me all day long with threats. That's when I saw the devil in him come out again, and his mask dropped. And that's the true him, not this false facade of being a good guy.

I know it's all just an act to keep me hooked and to fool the rest of the world, but it makes me want to believe that he can change and improve. However, I've already seen the proof that he cannot change. I gave him a second chance, in fact many chances to prove himself, including a year in individual and couples therapy. That was a joke. All he did was play innocent and told the therapist that I have a mental illness. Our therapist never validated my experience of the abuse or manipulations and gaslighting.

I've got to come back to reality. Maybe the reality is too hard for me to absorb?

After witnessing him screaming at me for the 1st two years of marriage, then cheating on me, then blowing up at me again and again, gaslighting me, twisting facts, blaming me, criticizing me, demeaning me, making mean jokes at my expense, lying to my face over and over again, holding me down in bed against my will every morning, and rewriting history repeatedly, the facts are right in front of me. He did not treat me well, and it was a highly toxic and unhealthy relationship. This is the REAL HIM.

Something within me still wants to believe in him, however. It's the innocent naive part of me that refuses to accept and see reality for what it is.

There are no two sides to the narcissist. There's only the facade, the "mask", and the monster or devil inside that comes out once the mask drops and once they "have" you committed to them and "in love". It's the cycle of abuse that I've experienced first hand. He plays the role for a while until I feel comfortable again, and then he starts abusing again. Then come the apologies and the peaceful honeymoon phase for a while, then the abuse pattern just repeats itself. I know the drill. Been there, done that.

I am currently turned off by all men. I am being reclusive and very picky, though I am not dating. I am being picky about the men I choose to even be friends with.

I dropped one new male friend on Facebook after he had disappointed me over a concert. He had invited me to join him and his two female friends two or three days before the concert. Then, the day before, he decides to sell those tickets for the following night's show, so I could no longer go. I thought that was pretty rotten. He said it got complicated and messy with his two female friends. I told him that I was really disappointed and that I wouldn't do that to someone. So I unfriended him and stopped speaking to him. We had been communicating over messenger for about a month or so. I had met him through my music scene and will likely run into him again at a smaller local show.

Maybe I was being too judgmental and harsh? Maybe I wasn't being understanding enough with the complications he was facing. It was a knee jerk reaction to the whole thing, unfriending him. I cannot deal with flakes or with people flaking out on me the last minute. A girlfriend does this to me and it's maddening.

So be it, I suppose. I am learning my limits and boundaries and how to enforce those boundaries. And that should be OK. If I don't want to be friends with him anymore, that's my prerogative. I feel a smidgen of guilt - but why? Because I grew up believing and absorbing the falsehood that everyone else's needs and feelings are more important than my own. And that's the result of growing up with a narcissistic parent.

Where am I going with this post? I don't know.

I am fumbling around, learning new ways of being as I forge my way ahead single and solo in this world, meeting new people and trying to form new and healthier friendships. And I don't think many people are all that healthy, stable, or reliable, in my experience.

Yesterday I enjoyed my own company, being solo most of the day and night. I enjoyed myself. I am learning to enjoy my solitude. I am learning self care and self love, very important. And I am learning about my own standards and boundaries, also very important.

This is a learning and growing phase for me in my life. Growth and change can be painful and very difficult, but also necessary. Old patterns and habits are hard to change, I am learning.

So my ex husband? I just need to keep focusing on me, my growth, my healing and my own life's journey. Thank goodness I have a new job to focus on. Thank goodness I no longer have hours of idle time on my hands to stew and dwell on things.

I truly could use a good therapist, yet to date, I have not found an effective one, even though I've been in and out of therapy my entire life! I no longer have faith in therapists. I think they're mostly all completely messed up themselves, making therapy a waste of time and money.

UGH.

I’d focus on the fact that this just wasn’t working for you. It doesn’t even matter what good sides he has. This isn’t working for you. That’s all what matters.

As about improving or changing it’s pointless to enter relationships in hopes one changes. I mean it’s a guessing game. Most people don’t change but what a waste of time entering relationships with people who require change and then guess if they’ll change. Why? They are who they are.

Yes being invited to a concert and then learning that the person sold the ticket without even giving you heads up is extremely annoying. I’d not be happy. I’d just chuckle it to the fact that you don’t know this guy. Talking on social media isn’t really knowing someone. Many of these men are married or in a relationship yet go to these things alone and shamelessly flirt and try to hook up with women. He likely got in trouble with his significant other for inviting random women to concerts and he was forced to get rid of tickets. “Things got weird” likely means variation of that. He’s not a big loss. I sure try not to feel guilty. You likely dodged a bullet with this dude.

I don’t know. Most people are reliable and reasonably stable imho. You just have to get to know them and watch for red flags. Whatever happened to your avoiding this particular crowd? Your perception of people is likely skewed by the quality of people you associate with. Plus in general drinkers and stoners are not very reliable and certainly aren’t stable just due to the nature of substances they consume.

I know... I haven't made any sweeping changes yet. I'm reluctant to try new groups and meet people in different ways. I love live music. I love dancing. It's my therapy, truly. So I will not stop doing something I am most passionate about. But eventually, I will try to meet different kinds of people. I have met a few good peeps in my music scene that I've become closer to over the years. I just only talk about the bad side on here.

Nothing wrong with liking music and dancing. All in itself these are fun and wholesome activities. It’s all the other stuff you want to be mindful of.

Yes, very true.

I went to my friend's farm yesterday out of state for a social gathering. A mutual friend of my ex was inquiring about my dating status. When I last ran into this man, he inquired back then about my dating status as well. I have the feeling that he is talking to my ex and is spying on me for him. I also ran into another mutual friend of my ex, a woman and her husband, who never goes to these particular gatherings at the farm. This is the very first time in years that I have seen her there, so I was wondering why she was there and if my husband has asked her to spy on me as well. I know I sound paranoid, but I still think that somehow my ex was tracking me at the concert a week ago,. and I wouldn't put it past him to send feelers out to see what I am up to. It's unnerving feeling like you're being spied on and watched.

When these encounters make you uncomfortable enough or hurt enough you will stop going to these places. This is self-inflicted. No contact includes not visiting the places he or his friends go.

I doubt he enlisted people to spy on you. I think because you like the same crowds it’s inevitable you’d run into these people or into each other.

This particular occurrence just proves what a low class people they are. Who asks a recently divorced ex of your friend what’s her dating status. In fact who asks anyone of their dating status? So tactless. Who does that. That’s just not a thing to ask anyone whatsoever

I just had this conversation with my aunt about some people asking tactless dumb questions with no reason. So pointless. Just bad taste and lack of finesse. Next time ask back “why are you asking?”

I am not going to places where he and his friends go. You’ve got this completely wrong. And it’s not self inflicted. Im doing just fine. In fact im doing great. Im pursuing things I love and enjoy doing. And im not giving up a huge passion of mine. That is a healthy thing. I visited MY friends yesterday, not his. He used to join these events/gatherings at the farm but no longer does.

I don’t think you should give up what you like to do at all, but that’s just the price to pay: running into him and his friends at concerts and gatherings. Obviously it’s the same crowd because even when you go out of state you still run into his friends.

It doesn’t mean you need to give up on going places. If it doesn’t upset you then you should keep going but if it upsets and bothers you enough that you worry for days that he tracks your phone or that he got his friends to stalk you, then there’s a choice to make.

It’s not easy. Even in the most amicable divorces running into exes and ex’s friends isn’t fun. No one likes it. Most people would rather not if they can help it.

This is my social life at the moment. I’m certainly not going to stop going! Yes these things are bothersome but I’m not giving up my whole social life to become a total recluse and isolated from everyone just to avoid some uncomfortable encounters.

I heard from my ex husband the other day. He wrote a lengthy email. I happened to find it (he is filtered) because I was checking that folder for something else.

Naturally, he did not even congratulate me on getting a job and a raise. And of course, he only talked all about how HE feels and how the divorce is impacting HIM. There was nothing in there about how I feel or what I may be going through, except for "I really hope you are doing well." It was yet another sob story from him about being miserable without me and about how he can never love or be attracted to anyone else. I call BS. It's all just him hoovering me and trying to win me back over.

Wow. How do you feel about this? I am surprised there is still so much back/forth AFTER divorce.

Some people just don’t get it that there’s no need for all that. You cannot fault him for writing to you though as he replied to your email and you were even upset he didn’t reply. Now you are upset he didn’t congratulate you. Might be tempting to write back asking why is he not congratulating. It’s probably wise to stop communicating all together. One of you has to stop first. Don’t reply if you get more emails.

Now if you had kids, especially minors, you’d have to figure out modes and frequency of communication and remain civil with each other for years to come. But in your case it might be time to stop so you can both move on

Delete, block.

Yeah. I am not replying this time. NOT this time. What more is there to say anyways? I would only be repeating myself.

And, I was not upset that he didn't congratulate me. I was commenting on his self-centeredness.