[Julee]

My husband was used as a sperm donor in his party years by a woman he had a one-night stand with decades before we ever met. Now he and I are expecting our first baby together.

The woman who slept with him and kept his daughter a secret for years, showed up in his life suddenly for financial reasons when the girl was still young.

Obviously, finding out he was a father was a shock to him, but he began paying child support and having his daughter for visits when he could. It is very much in his character to take responsibility and do the right thing even when it's difficult.

Once he and I began a relationship he recounted how he became estranged from his daughter due to drama involving her mother, who was/is a manipulative and toxic person. He told me of an instance in which his visiting daughter asked if she could come in one day while he was showering and have a bath as well. He allowed her to shower with him, thinking it was not an unusual thing for a parent to do.

Later, when the girl told her mother that she showered with her father, her mother chalked it up to his inexperience or a lapse in judgement. Given the circumstances (not knowing his child from birth, the child being kindergarten aged, and the opposite sex), I personally wouldn't have allowed her to see me nude, but I'm experienced with children, know a bit about child development, and have nannied for years.

After many months had passed, and disputes about taxes, family, custody, and visitation got ugly, the woman alleged that her daughter (roughly kindergarten-1st grade age by then) told her that her father had asked if she wanted to touch his privates in the shower. The mother also alleged that her daughter said he became engorged after further questioning on her part (in childlike language). Her mother reported it, and the incident was investigated, but no credible support of this story was found. Only that my husband showered with his daughter on that visit because she had asked him. The investigation process was undoubtedly hard on the child, and humiliating to my husband and his immediate family.
My husband told me that the woman had her daughter stay with him for subsequent holidays after the shower incident, but later launched the more serious accusations when he tried to exercise his parental rights. I found out the ugly details of the mother's accusations snooping through old emails recently, and though I wasn't surprised, it gave me pause. I doubt there's truth to the story beyond what my husband said happened, but I don't know with total certainty. I am very hesitant to reopen this old wound with him. It's upsetting to my husband, and if I questioned his integrity by asking if he said anything inappropriate to his daughter that day in the shower, it may negatively impact our relationship. I assume the mother questioned her daughter in a way that encouraged the child to invent a story, or that the child who undoubtedly had a chaotic childhood made something up. Kids will do that. I'm not worried about his conduct with our child in the future, and I'll be there to guide our parenting approach to bodies and boundaries.

In my shoes, would you keep the findings of your snooping to yourself and rely on the trust you have for your spouse? Would you feel compelled to bring it up eventually? What if my husband actually did something very inappropriate and I just stuck my head in the sand? I'm leaning towards letting it go, but I'd like to see what the sounding board has to say.

[eskielover]

I would let it go. Investigations found nothing. We always keep an eye on our kids for any sign of sexual abuse. But we stop it when/if it happens & not before. Accuse only when appropriate.......when YOU ACTUALLY SEE something inappropriate. But that goes for all famiies not just your situation. If any parent observes any abuse they have the responsibility to act against & confront it.....but only upon observation, not allegations by someone like this woman

[divine1966]

I’d not call him sperm donor as actual sperm donors have legal rights protecting them. Having unprotected sex and thus running a risk of conceiving a child isn’t being a sperm donor.

I can’t imagine a young girl asking to get into shower with her undressed father. Are you sure it wasn’t him asking her to climb in?

We have a 8 year granddaughter I cannot imagine she’d say grandpa I am going in there with you. Why?

I don’t think one needs to have experience with children to know that a guy being fully naked in front of 5-6 or 7 year old young lady is weird to say the least. Why would he even think it was a good idea. Is he a nudist or something?

Also i find it curious that it all happened because “she wanted it.” What else he’s going to say happened because she wanted it

I don’t know if he did anything or not. And it really is hard to prove such things if there’s no physical harm. I trust my husband with my life but I’d be grossed out forever if I found him naked in a shower with our granddaughter.

No I’d not keep my findings to myself. If you plan to raise children with this man you owe it to them at the very least to know more details and hear it from him. Sometimes truth reveals itself.

And I would not count on you being there and keeping future kids safe. You won’t be able to be there 24/7.

[TishaBuv]

If you were snooping, there is lack of trust on some level. I wouldn’t advise you to admit to reading his emails because it’s going to cause more distrust between you.

Think of the facts you do know. You read emails, and you know what he told you. You don’t know if any of it is the truth.

The story sounds suspicious and I’d feel on guard about him as a father. I wouldn’t snap to judgment, but would feel not securely trusting. I’d be vigilant to observe behavior and protect the children first and foremost.

You could bring it up to him again without admitting to reading the emails. You can’t be sure he tells you the truth, though.

Hopefully, he is a great dad and all is well for you both.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

The mother might have used leading questions to get the daughter to say that the father was engorged, true.

But it is very weird that the daughter at her age and NOT having grown up with the father would suddenly ask him to get in the shower with him. I can easily see a nudist family not stopping joint showers even at age 5-6 but that would be a continuation of a practice begun much earlier in the life of a child. I cannot imagine that a girl who has not grown up continuously taking showers with her dad would suddenly ask for it. My community swimming pool has 5 as the threshold age when children should not go take showers and use the locker room with opposite sex parents and I think it is about right. No, a kindergarten age girl would not suddenly get this idea on her head to share a shower with her dad and especially given that he wasn't around when she was a baby and he was expected to give her baths.

Like others, I see you as making excuses for your man on account of the genesis of his first daughter. A one night stand is not the kind of a situation about which you can say that the woman used him to become a sperm donor. If a woman wants a man to father a child with her without telling the man that she has such plans, she would not count on conceiving from a one night stand. She would have an ongoing fling with him, tell him that she uses birth control and convince him not to use condoms or simply expect that he would not be smart enough to use condoms. This is possible if a woman wants to have a baby without sharing parenting with a partner and then if in addition she wants child support. But such a woman in such circumstances would not rely on the relatively low probability of conceiving from just one night together.

I had a lover years ago, now my friend, whose daughter was conceived as a result of "flirtation" with her mother who was approaching a certain age and wanted a baby. He did not tell me the exact particulars of the birth control claims she had made. He first saw his daughter when she was three. He raised her financially and with visits after that and now is a happy grandfather of two boys.

No, in your husband's case it appears to have been careless behavior on both his end and hers but she conceived and decided to keep the pregnancy and raise the child alone. Later she probably ran into financial problems and realized that she could not raise the child alone so she started desiring child support. Note that had she been a user as you like to see her, she would have sought child support from the start.

Inexperience of your man as a parent does not explain why he would get in a shower with his daughter who at that time was essentially a stranger to him. Since such a request would have been unusual, an inexperienced person would not have known what to do and by default not knowing what to do would have translated into him gently saying no.

To sum up, even though false allegations of childhood sexual abuse are very common where one parent wants to take advantage of the other parent, in your case the situation smells fishy.

What to do with it now that you are already pregnant I do not know. It is a highly unpleasant position to be in for you now and you have my sympathy.

[Have Hope]

Since the mother allowed the daughter to stay over on holidays AFTER the shower incident, then it seems highly unlikely that your husband had said or done anything inappropriate in the shower, as the mother is claiming. If the allegations were really true, why would she then allow her child to stay on holidays and continue seeing the father? That makes no sense. Given the timing of these allegations towards him, ie, when he tried to exercise parental rights, then it seems that the allegations were falsified in order for the mother to gain custody.

The mother sounds manipulative. It seems to me she only wants money from him and financial support, not shared custody, especially if things got ugly when taxes, custody, visitations, and family arose. You said she only approached him when she wanted financial support, after several years of carrying the full burden herself. So, now he wants parental rights, and she's fighting him on it by playing dirty.

I would trust your husband, and not this woman, the mother. Or, at least give him the benefit of the doubt unless proven guilty otherwise.

[divine1966]

I wonder why there’s no follow up and why you, Julee, don’t come back to the thread.

Few years back you made a single post about having a horrible boyfriend asking if you should leave him, people made suggestions etc but you never came back.

Now you have another man you have questions about (or is it all the same guy?) and again one post and nothing after.

Why is that?

[Julee]

Divine1966, I've read and considered all the replies to my relationship posts over the years, but to be honest, I haven't felt like responding seeing as I'm not on these forums beyond when I've had an issue that I'm really struggling with and am not too familiar with how these chats work. I do appreciate the folks who've responded thoughtfully and with empathy very much, however. Would you suggest I provide an update and thank those that were helpful?
Since my first post, I've changed my life completely. I moved thousands of miles away, I finished my degree, I entered a new relationship with someone who has the capacity and desire to communicate and grow with me, I'm starting a family, and I'm a much more excited about life. Thank you for being part of a community where people who have felt lost can seek a little support from others. Wishing you the best in everything.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Julee

Divine1966, I've read and considered all the replies to my relationship posts over the years, but to be honest, I haven't felt like responding seeing as I'm not on these forums beyond when I've had an issue that I'm really struggling with and am not too familiar with how these chats work. I do appreciate the folks who've responded thoughtfully and with empathy very much, however. Would you suggest I provide an update and thank those that were helpful?
Since my first post, I've changed my life completely. I moved thousands of miles away, I finished my degree, I entered a new relationship with someone who has the capacity and desire to communicate and grow with me, I'm starting a family, and I'm a much more excited about life. Thank you for being part of a community where people who have felt lost can seek a little support from others. Wishing you the best in everything.

I wasn’t as much needed an update as am puzzled why you post questions about what you should do but then never reply. Now again you posted rather disturbing and very concerning situation about your new man bathing naked with a girl and who knows what else and you asked people’s opinions on what to do, but then we never heard back. It’s concerning

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Julee

Divine1966, I've read and considered all the replies to my relationship posts over the years, but to be honest, I haven't felt like responding seeing as I'm not on these forums beyond when I've had an issue that I'm really struggling with and am not too familiar with how these chats work. I do appreciate the folks who've responded thoughtfully and with empathy very much, however. Would you suggest I provide an update and thank those that were helpful?
Since my first post, I've changed my life completely. I moved thousands of miles away, I finished my degree, I entered a new relationship with someone who has the capacity and desire to communicate and grow with me, I'm starting a family, and I'm a much more excited about life. Thank you for being part of a community where people who have felt lost can seek a little support from others. Wishing you the best in everything.

Generally when members post and ask the community a question about a situation, members will reply and the OP (the author) will return to the thread to respond to all the replies from various members. That's how it works. We give our input and feedback, and you come back to the thread and participate in it.

[Tart Cherry Jam]

@Julee what posters expect from you is not token appreciation but genuine engagement. Otherwise it is like writing to a black hole. I am surprised it was not immediately obvious to you. Why would people waste precious time of their finite lives on your problems if you do not even acknowledge their contribution, much less engage with them?

[Embracingtruth]

Good morning. The biggest issue that jumps out to me is you haven't rendered a final decision on this , which is impacting your ability to fully trust him. Going through his emails only underscores that distrust. Add to that your statement about "setting boundaries " with your current child tells me you're not comfortable with his ability to learn from the past and do so without guidance or supervision. So on the surface, you're showing a supportive stance, but underneath you're positioning yourself more in the mode of "just in case", which he will catch when he see's those efforts to overprotect.

So the more you keep this in and unresolved, the more it will manifest itself into full blown resentment. Why? Because doubt represents a burden you carry alone, which will poison the well of how you see him. It will also seep into disagreements you have down the road should something entirely different arise. Emotional burdens create stress and when that valve opens it all comes out. So you need to address this and put it to bed if you are to move forward. How do you do that? Ask yourself some very hard but direct questions:

* Is there anything in his current behavior or recent past that has any connective tissue to this event? In other words are there any habits that raise red flags or is this event isolated and a complete anomaly to who you know him to be in all facets of life?

* How much do you know about how he was raised? Its completely conceivable he had parents that took baths or showers with him when he was very young, so he gave no consideration to there being an appropriateness to the action since it fell within the framework of his life experience. Plus he was just starting out as a new parent himself, so he was guided by only what he knew (as we all do).

If you can paint a clear picture from these questions, then you really have your answer. Behavior, especially deviant kinds, tend to be habitual in nature. So unless you have red flags prompting you to see a pattern somewhere, then I think its fair (and very safe) to say this event does not represent his true character. I'm sure having Child Protective Services investigate him was humiliating and traumatizing, so he really needs someone who believes in him. Remember its EASY to accuse someone of doing something heinous, without any evidence. But because someone makes an accusation doesn't mean its true just because it sounds bad. If you know the accuser to be of bad character (while his is not), then the guilt likely resides on her side. I would come to a resolution on this and put it to bed. Trust must be absolute or you have none at all. Let go of his past as an innocent and honest action and forgive yourself for having to question it. Move forward so the two of you can have a future.