Trying to move forward

It’s not bad to feel anger. Remember that anger is the part of yourself that loves you. It isn’t that you get angry, instead it’s how you react to the toxic person who is treating you badly.

Your wife constantly threatened and devalued you in what you just shared. She wanted you to believe SHE had all the power. Well guess what, she has no power and even her own children don’t want her around.

Toxic people like your wife want you to react so they can play the victim. People like your wife do not love THEY USE. The only history you had with her is she figured how to play you TO USE YOU.

You are a good person who doesn’t want to hurt others. You tend to carry the hurt and the fear you have now is that you don’t want to hurt anymore. Now you are learning how to distance so you don’t get hurt and also so you don’t react in any way that gives her power to play the victim to have whatever power she can create over you.

You are doing really well. The anger and hurt takes time to sort through.

What you describe sounds a little like cptsd. It wouldn't be unusual after long term stress and duress in the house.

To piggyback on what Open Eyes said, anger, and other emotions, aren't bad. They're there to tell you something- though you're the one who has to figure out what that is. Sometimes, as in the case with PTSD, the anxiety can be like the resonance of a bell that lingers for a while after it's been rung. Healing is a slow process sometimes- just as a broken leg doesn't heal overnight and without gentleness, our minds and hearts need time and care to heal too.

Toxic people don’t experience the same anger. Toxic people carry resentments and look to punish. Toxic people are always looking for ways to have power. They want drama and they tend to need constant attention. Everything is about them.

Just an example, about 12 years ago I got into the sport of dog agility. Now there are people who knew me way back when I was just learning, when I couldn't do a thing. But I was in my 30s at the time. Re-invention is an amazing thing. For the most part, only people who go through a really traumatic event or circumstance experience the process of re-inventing themselves. You get to choose who you'll be, with you you'll be, and who and what you want in your life. You've only had her out of the house a short while. I'd give myself time to breathe and just exist for a year or two and let myself recover while beginning to think of where I might go or what I might do.

Thanks @seesaw.

I'm wondering what reinvention is going to look like.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer Thanks @seesaw. I'm wondering what reinvention is going to look like.

Sometimes it morphs out of what we already have & are. Sometimes it is like a total transplant.....but what I have personally observed that it just seems to happen while we are living life & then one day we look back & say "Wow, how did that all come together to happen?" My life is still constantly changing & adapting as reinvention continues to happen even after 16 years of it. I am kinda like a sail boat that continues to adjust the rudder to stay on a life path that feels safe for me& reinventing is continually being adjusted.

Sometimes I look back & wonder how I got from there to here & finally know what happiness & peace really are. While I was in the middle of it I wondered if I would ever get there & one day I realized I got through that part of it (crossed the bridge)

Well.... It's Sunday.

After school on Tuesday, my daughter went to a friend's place because I was working late.

I worked late again on Thursday, so she got off the bus and went to see our retired neighbors, where they fed her and made a fuss about her.

Friday she had plans with friends. I got invited to the neighbors for after dinner treats. My oldest and his GF arrived at the house just when I was leaving, so they joined me.

An hour later DD was on her way home and stopped in there too. There was lots of music, food, and card games for the evening.

Saturday afternoon the kids had friends in. Two of them left and went offroading for a while.

I fed everyone dinner and drove friends home, then we all went to see other neighbors for the evening and played board games there.

It's times like this that I go..... Why wasn't she happy here? What did she think was more or better? We're blessed. The kids are healthy and they love each other. We have a good home. I have a good job with a good mix of income and hours. I'm an involved Dad who wanted a family life. Why didn't she want this life, or why did she turn away from it?

It was raining Saturday night, and other than that it was dead silent here. This was so simple and so good.

RDMercer

Wow, you have the best neighbors!

I'm blessed for the people I have around me. I really am.

That includes you guys.

All the things you just talked about are not things your wife ever cared about.

Your wife has been showing you and your children that she basically wants to drink and party and do social media with her besties and have someone else pay the bills for her. After all she is entitled right?

Because she wanted to be the center of attention at all times. She wanted the world to revolve around her. She didn't want relationships, she wanted fans, followers, adoring public - she wanted to be the queen of her kingdom and you were all supposed to be her loyal, adoring court that catered to her every need - physical and emotional.

She wanted to be the main character in every moment, and in the life you just described, every thing is interconnected and everyone has a role and a story. No one is more important or valued than anyone else, and she can't handle not being the most important and valued person in the room.

And as OE said, none of things appealed to her. It sounds like she really wanted a single, child-free lifestyle but not single and not child-free.

Look, I actually don't know the whole story, but just from what little I've read over the years, probably some combination of the above. But what's more important is that it's not your job to know why she didn't want it. You cannot and should not attempt to be a mind reader. You're falling down a trap of cognitive dissonance where you think you can figure it out. You cannot. It's a blackhole that will suck you. This is one of those things that falls under the "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."

I think you're right.

I never thought about it like this.

And yes, I am bad for trying to figure this out and understand it. Earlier today a long time friend told me the very same thing. Told me to chase away the thoughts any time they show up.

OK.....

Hear me out on something.

These periods I go through of longing, wishing, pining, and anguish.....

That's really.... Familiar.

That's what I went through while she was here.

Is this part of limerance still hanging on? Is this part of my conditioning to feel anguish and questioning and unfulfillment?

When you're healing from being in a relationship with someone abusive and manipulative like this, there's a long period of healing where you question things. Because it's hard to match up bad behaviors to the love bombing. That's the aftermath of the gaslighting.

I thought limerance was pre-love, like infatuation. Arent you more at a trama bond state?

Don't they say that a trauma bond affects the brain much like cocaine? Maybe it could be a bit of an addictive type reaction and not much more? You're craving an old, pleasant feeling from something you now know isn't good for you?

Hmm....

Maybe ArmorPlate.

And maybe I don't understand what limerance is. I thought it was the ideation of another person comingled with longing for them.

Anyway... Just my momentary epiphany

To me, limerence meant longing for another, but the feeling was unreciprocated. Upon googling, i see they categorize relationships as limerent-non-limerent, or both limerent, etc.

So i can see why you called it limerance, because you were always enthralled by her, and still are?

Have you thought about conditions for reconciliation? The kids will be around for only a few more years. If she truly cannot make it on her own, would you want to live with her if she were actively drinking? Do you attend Al-anon?

Another thought for you....

Which could be completely off the mark, but haven't you said in the past that you consider yourself codependent? Codependents have the compulsion to help and fix other people- it's our jam and we feel really good when we're engaged in that. Is it possible that you're feeling something like that?

It can be a pretty strong drive to want to help someone, especially when you feel like you know what it is they need- which is often the case with someone you have a long term bond with.

Ok....so we are all on the same page....this is Psychology Today's definition of limerance:

Limerence | Psychology Today