Trying to move forward

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer Thanks @seesaw. I'm wondering what reinvention is going to look like.

Sometimes it morphs out of what we already have & are. Sometimes it is like a total transplant.....but what I have personally observed that it just seems to happen while we are living life & then one day we look back & say "Wow, how did that all come together to happen?" My life is still constantly changing & adapting as reinvention continues to happen even after 16 years of it. I am kinda like a sail boat that continues to adjust the rudder to stay on a life path that feels safe for me& reinventing is continually being adjusted.

Sometimes I look back & wonder how I got from there to here & finally know what happiness & peace really are. While I was in the middle of it I wondered if I would ever get there & one day I realized I got through that part of it (crossed the bridge)

Well.... It's Sunday.

After school on Tuesday, my daughter went to a friend's place because I was working late.

I worked late again on Thursday, so she got off the bus and went to see our retired neighbors, where they fed her and made a fuss about her.

Friday she had plans with friends. I got invited to the neighbors for after dinner treats. My oldest and his GF arrived at the house just when I was leaving, so they joined me.

An hour later DD was on her way home and stopped in there too. There was lots of music, food, and card games for the evening.

Saturday afternoon the kids had friends in. Two of them left and went offroading for a while.

I fed everyone dinner and drove friends home, then we all went to see other neighbors for the evening and played board games there.

It's times like this that I go..... Why wasn't she happy here? What did she think was more or better? We're blessed. The kids are healthy and they love each other. We have a good home. I have a good job with a good mix of income and hours. I'm an involved Dad who wanted a family life. Why didn't she want this life, or why did she turn away from it?

It was raining Saturday night, and other than that it was dead silent here. This was so simple and so good.

RDMercer

Wow, you have the best neighbors!

I'm blessed for the people I have around me. I really am.

That includes you guys.

All the things you just talked about are not things your wife ever cared about.

Your wife has been showing you and your children that she basically wants to drink and party and do social media with her besties and have someone else pay the bills for her. After all she is entitled right?

Because she wanted to be the center of attention at all times. She wanted the world to revolve around her. She didn't want relationships, she wanted fans, followers, adoring public - she wanted to be the queen of her kingdom and you were all supposed to be her loyal, adoring court that catered to her every need - physical and emotional.

She wanted to be the main character in every moment, and in the life you just described, every thing is interconnected and everyone has a role and a story. No one is more important or valued than anyone else, and she can't handle not being the most important and valued person in the room.

And as OE said, none of things appealed to her. It sounds like she really wanted a single, child-free lifestyle but not single and not child-free.

Look, I actually don't know the whole story, but just from what little I've read over the years, probably some combination of the above. But what's more important is that it's not your job to know why she didn't want it. You cannot and should not attempt to be a mind reader. You're falling down a trap of cognitive dissonance where you think you can figure it out. You cannot. It's a blackhole that will suck you. This is one of those things that falls under the "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."

I think you're right.

I never thought about it like this.

And yes, I am bad for trying to figure this out and understand it. Earlier today a long time friend told me the very same thing. Told me to chase away the thoughts any time they show up.

OK.....

Hear me out on something.

These periods I go through of longing, wishing, pining, and anguish.....

That's really.... Familiar.

That's what I went through while she was here.

Is this part of limerance still hanging on? Is this part of my conditioning to feel anguish and questioning and unfulfillment?

When you're healing from being in a relationship with someone abusive and manipulative like this, there's a long period of healing where you question things. Because it's hard to match up bad behaviors to the love bombing. That's the aftermath of the gaslighting.

I thought limerance was pre-love, like infatuation. Arent you more at a trama bond state?

Don't they say that a trauma bond affects the brain much like cocaine? Maybe it could be a bit of an addictive type reaction and not much more? You're craving an old, pleasant feeling from something you now know isn't good for you?

Hmm....

Maybe ArmorPlate.

And maybe I don't understand what limerance is. I thought it was the ideation of another person comingled with longing for them.

Anyway... Just my momentary epiphany

To me, limerence meant longing for another, but the feeling was unreciprocated. Upon googling, i see they categorize relationships as limerent-non-limerent, or both limerent, etc.

So i can see why you called it limerance, because you were always enthralled by her, and still are?

Have you thought about conditions for reconciliation? The kids will be around for only a few more years. If she truly cannot make it on her own, would you want to live with her if she were actively drinking? Do you attend Al-anon?

Another thought for you....

Which could be completely off the mark, but haven't you said in the past that you consider yourself codependent? Codependents have the compulsion to help and fix other people- it's our jam and we feel really good when we're engaged in that. Is it possible that you're feeling something like that?

It can be a pretty strong drive to want to help someone, especially when you feel like you know what it is they need- which is often the case with someone you have a long term bond with.

Ok....so we are all on the same page....this is Psychology Today's definition of limerance:

Limerence | Psychology Today

It may be part of a compulsion to long for love from the emotionally unavailable. It may stem from adverse childhood experiences.

I thought I had limerence, but this article has me doubting because I did care about the well being of the limerent object. It was an obsession with emotionally unavailable people who gave me some encouragement, intermittent reinforcement.

I don't know. Maybe limerance?

I know I had a lot of good feelings for her, thought everyone else was wrong in how they read her, thought I was the source of our issues, and held her in extremely high regard until things really began to unravel in our final year.

I've read that that longing anguish can be mistaken for love.

I still go through those periods of longing anguish. That might just be wired into me now.

I can't imagine a scenario where we'd reconcile.

I'd never allow myself to be gaslit like that again, and I'd never risk the kids' trust in me as a safe landing place.

I wouldn't give up the peace I have now either.

She'd have to make a lot of changes and reconcile with the kids first.

"It may be part of a compulsion to long for love from the emotionally unavailable. It may stem from adverse childhood experiences.

I thought I had limerence, but this article has me doubting because I did care about the well being of the limerent object. It was an obsession with emotionally unavailable people who gave me some encouragement, intermittent reinforcement."

Um. Wow.

Same.

RDMercer

I've always been a strong performer at work, no matter where I worked.

I'm really noticing in the past year that I am working slower and making a LOT of little oversights and mistakes.

I expect my co-workers are seeing this too. It's really tripping me up.

Stuff outside of work has never impacted my work performance before. This has really been noticeable this year though.

RDMercer

You are human. Don't be too hard on yourself. I find at times it can be hard to compartmentalize, and that's when I make mistakes. Not sure what kind of vacation or PTO you have, but it might be time for an actual break/vacation where you do something besides deal with the drama, actually enjoy life for a minute.

You have been under a lot of stress. What you have been going through has been very toxic.

I think that once you get the court hearings done you will begin to have a sense of relief.

I met with my lawyer on Monday. I'm in court again on Monday next week.

The original decisions can't be changed; I have guardianship, I'm in the family home.

This hearing is solely about her requesting spousal support and citing a lot of reasons why she can't work.

Something that has been crucial in all this for me, is that I texted her a lot. She found fault with me doing that, but I didn't want to NOT communicate, but once she got so angry and I could feel myself being at risk of responding poorly, I would create physical distance and speak over text.

I sent her a big text message a couple of months before we separated, saying, "What you are expecting isn't possible. The kids have already told you they won't live with you. I don't have the ability to support two households. I know your friends have talked you up with all this stuff, but what you think is going to happen just simply can't. You've said you're going to force me to pay so much that all I'll be able to afford is to rent a room in someone else's home. That isn't going to happen if the kids are with me. Please stop all these threats, and please work on reconnecting with your family."

And she replied to it.

So.... She made an adult, informed decision to leave. She was not forced out. She was not open to reconciliation.

I know she has health issues. She truly does, and I did everything I could to support her. Somehow, though, those issues haven't affected her single-girl lifestyle that she has been posting on social media, including trips and concerts.

Reading her affidavit made me sick. It was a bullet list of all her health issues and struggles, and her academic attempts, and whatever. I wrecked myself supporting her on all those things, and now they are being used against me and the kids.

For all of her flex of being a "powerful independent woman", she has no plan and no ability to be that.

I broke Monday night after reading her affidavit. I really did.

I'm scared of seeing her next Monday.

RDMercer

Deep breaths. Your lawyer has dome very well by you. I have faith that the court will send her hiking. I mean, where is this extra spousal support she wants going to come from? Your 100% supporting the kids and have to pay for their home, care, etc. If she is so unable to work then let her go file for disability.

But you don't magically have more money just because she wants more support. The court, I'm sure, is aware of your income and how it's split.

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What has your lawyer said about it & what kind of fight is he going to give in court. You have a right to know since you are paying him.
That could give you at keast some feeling of relief

Sounds like she needs to apply for disability, not spousal support. But they will definitely hold those trips and concerts against her.