Abandonment Issues

Due to being adopted, I struggle to maintain healthy relationships. Of any kind. Friendships, romantic even family.

So that being said... I had a date with a recovering (12 years sober) drug addict/alcoholic who is newly single. Four months since he and his on again off again girlfriend of 5 years split up.

As I'm writing this and reading it, I see what a bad idea it is for me.

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Hmm.. I would want to know why they were on an off for 5 years, but also this all says RED FLAGS. He is in recovery and JUST out of long-term relationship. I would steer clear of this man. You would have to deal with him being a recovering drug/alcohol addict and on the relationship rebound as well. Unless he has been in therapy for the last 12 years addressing his issues, and has a good handle on his health/mental health that led to addiction, this spells trouble for you. Surely, there must be other more eligible singles to date.

Do you think you 'deserve' love or a healthy relationship? Do you struggle with any self-esteem issues? You may need to work on yourself first before jumping into relationships. Otherwise, you would only be repeating the same pattern

I needed this. I'm getting used to seeing red flags earlier than later.

He said his ex liked pills.
He also says he attends a meeting once in a while.

Thank you for the affirmation. I appreciate an understanding biased opinion.

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Yes I do.
I'm "dating" to learn how to recognize healthy people. My abilities to sense or see red flags is improving. And by talking things out on places like this too.

I'm not jumping into anything with anyone anytime soon.

Thank you for your reply

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Of course.. I am happy to help! I have dated an addict or two, even a former drug addict, and I can honestly say that it's been problematic within the relationship.

His ex liking pills tells me that this man has not recovered. He is drawn towards other addicts. Him attending a meeting once in a while is not enough. He should be attending regular meetings and should also be in therapy. I would not trust that this man is fully recovered. Recovery can be a lifelong process.

Eliminate and move on....

I am in a similar boat as you since I have historically chosen unhealthy partners due to not seeing red flags or dismissing them.

So the best thing you can do for yourself now, given your own history, is to pay attention to any and all red flags, look at them honestly and objectively, and then decide how to proceed, based on what you witness. Perhaps even do some reading up on red flag behaviors and healthy vs unhealthy behaviors and traits. I am doing that for myself and it's helping me immensely.

I can see that you've done some reading!

And your insights are so appreciated. I wouldn't have thought of any of that. But that's why I'm practicing meeting people and recognizing red flags.

This is good. Thank you for your help

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Idk if this’ll come up but it’s a list of green flags to look for

I wasn't able to get it actually

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Green Flags

This work?

I'm just going to say, OP, that I appreciate you being vulnerable enough to put this out into the world.

Are you OK with some questions about being adopted? Like how old were you and were the adoptive parents stable?

RDMercer

Of course! I don't mind talking about it.
I was 3 months old. The people that adopted me were not good to me.

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It didn't either
But I can Google it too!

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If you do not mind my asking, what exactly did "I had a date" entail?

Yes, I have done a lot of reading. I would suggest reading up on healthy vs unhealthy behaviors and flags, then as a next step, going out and practicing what you've learned.

It was dinner and a movie. Like an old fashioned date

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It makes sense for you to be apprehensive about getting involved with a man who likely also has attachment issues, knowing you also do. It’s good to be self protective and have eyes wide open.

Ideally, you want to have a relationship with someone who has healthy attachment. It is possible for you to have a healthy relationship with someone who is capable. I have read a person without healthy attachment can have a healthy relationship with someone who has healthy attachment. It is when two people do not have healthy attachment that the relationship is definitely not going to be healthy. But I am not an expert, just someone who has read up on this for myself with these issues.

I appreciate being able to talk about this.

I'm reading about healthy vs. unhealthy,
but there's not a one size fits all situation.

Many thanks!

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Then I am not clear why you are berating yourself. And my next questions, again if you do not mind:

- did you learn about his being sober for 12 years,
- his going to meetings sporadically,
- his being out of a 5 year on-and-off relationship with his ex gf, and
- his ex gf's "love of pills"

all during this old-fashioned date?

Lol my husband told me his entire life on our first date and it wasn’t a long date. We had a quick lunch and then quick walk on the street checking a book store and then sat on the bench a bit. It was cold and I was tired so I ended date early. I later realized that I told him ton of stuff that I tell no one. I am a very private person. The fact that it fell natural was my big green flag. So it’s possible to share a lot. Having said that none was about drugs or anything like that. But sometimes people just click.

I think it’s important to have clear deal breakers and stick to them. They are very subjective. So I’d not worry what other people consider deal breakers. Only what I do.for example, I’d not date anyone who drinks, does or did hard core drugs and smokes pot or ingest weed in any other ways. Nope. Never. Does it mean others shouldn’t? Of course not. It’s MY deal breaker.

I have other very clearly defined deal breakers. I think when you have those, you’d less likely to be in a bad relationship. Figure out what’s absolutely a NO for you and stick to it no matter what.

I don't trust myself to wisely chose a mate.

Does an old fashioned date mean he's a good guy and I should pursue him?

He told me all those things on the date and after

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I do need to determine my deal-breakers. I'm learning though, and I think that's what dating is all about.

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I meant you need to know your deal breakers before you date. Dating is for figuring if you are interested in a man, not what your deal breakers are.

Old fashioned date doesn’t mean anything, let alone that he’s a good or a bad person.

Some totally horrible folks have charisma and know what the right things to say to a woman or what kind of dates women prefer. Not an indication of anything