Changing my responses

RDMercer · Jun 23, 2024 at 11:52 AM

Well. It’s Sunday afternoon here

Friday the kids cleaned the house for the afternoon. My parents arrived for a visit. I’m working on a healthy relationship with them. The kids had friends in and I fed everyone

That evening a neighbour asked me to come watch the Stanley Cup playoffs with him. I told him we had about eight people with us. “Bring everyone “. So, teens, adults, and seniors all gathered to watch the game in his backyard on a projector. The younger kids were catching fireflies.

Saturday we had some family time but by late afternoon all the teens, , BFand GFs were gone fishing and swimming. I visited with my folks, picked up a bunch of takeout food, and a bunch of soaked kids arrived back and used up all my towels and ate all my food

Today some of them are going kayaking and some are hanging around here watching movies for the afternoon and eating the last of the Chinese take out like a bunch of sea gulls. (“Mine? Mine? Mine?”)

This is so boring and devoid of drama.

.

eskielover · Jun 23, 2024 at 12:03 PM

Quote:

This is so boring and devoid of drama.

But so full of peace & actual quality caring for each other. I will take boring & no drama any day

Open Eyes · Jun 23, 2024 at 01:10 PM

Did your parents have a good time?

RDMercer · Jun 23, 2024 at 01:24 PM

Yes

It’s all been very easy and good.

Some of the kids just left to go for a drive in the rain and others are watching a horror movie

I’m washing sheets and towels

Open Eyes · Jun 23, 2024 at 05:26 PM

Nice to see you are making so much progress in taking your power back. It’s a good example for your children🥰

RDMercer · Jun 24, 2024 at 09:06 PM

@eskielover

Did you carry guilt for a long time?

Did you carry compassion for a long time?

I feel compassion for her, and I carry guilt that I created this or put her in this desperate situation that I believe she is in now.

But she's someone I can't help.

It's like trying to rescue a drowning person who will pull you under to stay afloat. And I think she'd use anyone for a raft to stay afloat.

RDMercer

Open Eyes · Jun 25, 2024 at 04:31 AM

@RDMercer you just stated that you created this situation with your wife. How? How is her predicament your fault?

eskielover · Jun 25, 2024 at 07:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer

@eskielover

Did you carry guilt for a long time?

Did you carry compassion for a long time?

I feel compassion for her, and I carry guilt that I created this or put her in this desperate situation that I believe she is in now.

But she's someone I can't help.

It's like trying to rescue a drowning person who will pull you under to stay afloat. And I think she'd use anyone for a raft to stay afloat.

RDMercer

I never felt guilt. I flew with my dog to buy my farm in May & realized during the summer I had never even thought about him because it was such an emotional relief to be away from him. My mom would always say when I was growing up, that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" I realized that was just another lie she told or really I realized more that my heart really didn't feel anything for him in the first place & with everything over the years my heart actually grew to hate him. That was a whole different issue to come to terms with, forgiveness & letting the hate go. I still struggle with that as the legal issues I am still dealing with that his stupidity have caused in my life 17 years after walking out.

Compassion was limited mostly to trying to get him help so the things he did wouldn't destroy me financially. At first I dealt with the IRS because he was incapable (compassion & self protection). I let him get a loan modification IF he could get it on his own. Looking back I should have just let a foreclosure happen I get it over with. I thought at the time the house value was upside down & we could just wait for the sale of the house in the divorce until the house had value & we would both benefit. I found out he wasn't paying the property taxes, he was living on overdraft in the joint account I was paying the IRS out of. Closed tge account when done paying the IRS. I tried to get Adult Protective Services to assign a payee to his disability/SS money but they basically told me his spending was his problem....long story short, he lost the house after again not paying the mortgage for 18 months & selling it to an investor & stole the money he got from the house before the divorce was final here where I live. I got everything I own here but didn't bother with the Calif things because my state has no jurisdiction over Ca & my Ky divorce lawyer couldn't even get him to respond to him ever during the whole divorce process.

No, no guilt is deserved. They are adults & make their own choices in life just like we do. Choices have consequences which is why we must choose wisely. Those who don't, pay the consequences. Their own choices put them in the situations they find themselves in & that is not our responsibility. It's not like we forced them there at gun point. They made their choices with their own free will.

I helped myself all my life get to where I got & I sure wasn't going to let an incompetent husband destroy that. It wasn't until I did get out & own my own farm (from my inheritance money from my parents) & be very financially responsible that I could look back & see all the bad details I lived with all those years & how it negatively effected me & my health.

My compassion is limited to "I sure wish he had made better choices for his life" but I know I never lived well with so many of those choices from the beginning which is why we were always fighting. When it came down to my survival or him, no guilt & very limited compassion.

I have never talked bad about him to our grown daughter but she has known all the facts so he couldn't get away with lying to her (& he tried). She is tough & independent too but she also knows that mom is the one who has a farm & a place to come if she ever needs it while her dad had all the things he wouldn't let go of in a divorce before I left & lost almost everything anyway.

Bad choices have consequences & I don't choose to live with the consequences of someone elses bad choices. I have enough consequences of my own making to deal with. Guilt & unearned compassion just muddy up the waters of getting on with a new good quality life.

I probably never went on the path of thinking I had to help others because I never got help & pretty much had to figure out my life & direction on my own & fight my own battles. So I was very independent from as far back as I can remember in childhood

Open Eyes · Jun 25, 2024 at 08:46 AM

How many times has she told you she misses you and is sorry?

From what you have shared 0. From what you shared all interactions have been about HER wants and needs and at times has been bossy and entitled.

That’s on her, not your fault.

ArmorPlate108 · Jun 25, 2024 at 09:57 AM

If it's been part of your conditioning- or just part of your nature/personality- to try and help people, fix situations, make them feel better by taking the blame, rescuing them, etc--- those things you are feeling can be pretty hardwired into the system.

Honestly, it's always okay to feel compassion for other people, no matter the circumstances. Healthy boundaries can keep us from going too far with that compassion. You can feel it without giving away your power, time, or energy.

This is JMO, but I think the longer the situation goes on with a disordered person, the more pointless and futile it seems, the more you realize that there's not much productive coming from their end, and probably never will be. You start to get over those feelings a little bit more.

Remember what they say: you only get to take responsibility for 50% of the relationship. What did she do to meet you in the middle?

RDMercer · Jun 25, 2024 at 11:11 AM

No apologies, no nothing from her

And today she bottomed the overdraft. Again. After already taking over $3600 set aside for our youngest, and taking almost $5000 from the LOC I’d paid down

I can see she used the money from the overdraft to pay unpaid taxes.

As for “changing my responses”…. No anger, and this hasn’t unsettled my peace.

I’ll continue to pay the interest on the overdraft and this will all come out at our half day in court in a couple of months

I asked my bank advisor what to do.

He said, Ask her if she took these funds. If she says she didn’t or if she doesn’t reply, report it as fraud and let the investigation show it was her.

So my lawyer is sending her lawyer a letter requesting this info.

In the meantime I’m planning a BBQ for Friday with friends.

RDMercer

RDMercer · Jun 25, 2024 at 11:17 AM

It’s a guilt thing.

And, she claims I suckered her into leaving the house.

The fact is, I did blindside her when I wanted to sell and move, BUT only because she’d made the home unlivable and was threatening divorce on her own schedule. I just acted sooner by 3 months.

I offered to settle, I offered mediation, I offered reasonable monthly support and she declined it, instead threatening I’d be left with nothing.

I’ve assumed a lot of responsibility for her for a lot of things for a long time. So I still feel responsible

RDMercer · Jun 25, 2024 at 12:19 PM

And the compassion part of all this, is that this is someone for whom life isn’t manageable

This is someone who doesn’t feel peace,!or love, or contentment

This is someone who will probably end up being exploited by men, but she also talked openly about exploiting men while we were married

This is someone my kids, and me, are starved for validation from

So yeah…. I do worry about her sometimes and I do still wonder if there was some other way to get through to her.

eskielover · Jun 25, 2024 at 01:58 PM

Quote:

This is someone who doesn’t feel peace,!or love, or contentment

Maybe she really has no desire for these things or maybe she holds a different definition for them than you do.

It is her choice to have an unmanageable life. Obvious by the fact that your (& your kids) lives are now manageble since she is no longer in your life.

Quote:

This is someone my kids, and me, are starved for validation from

I personally would NEVER value validation from someone like her. If she validated you that would mean you are screwed up like her. That is NOT a complement or a good thing. Choose carefully who I seek validation from.

eskielover · Jun 25, 2024 at 02:12 PM

There was something told me when I first got into therapy "you can't run awsy from your problems, they will follow you". The one important part they left out, was that assumes YOU are the problem.

I found my problem didn't follow me when I left. The problem stayed in Calif & even though he continued to do things caising me problems over the distance, I was NOT the one causing problems in my life but it showed me that I was the clean-up crew, not the one making the problems.

We are & never will be the cause of their problems but they always want to make us look like it because they NEVER want to be accountable for their bad choices.

Her prolems are no longer an active part of you & your kids lives. Her problems left when she did. You did not cause the problems or you would still be causing the problems. The priblems are ALL her own making & you hold NO responsibility for them at all

unaluna · Jun 25, 2024 at 03:05 PM

#194

everyone has a right to their own values. You cant force your values on someone - at least not until the Supreme Court finishes declaring shariah law.

Open Eyes · 06:39 PM

Life is NOT manageable for people who have substance abuse problems, your wife LIVES in her alcoholism and WANTS you to pay for it.

I have seen many examples of this over the years. I have watched my husband try to support others to stay sober and many times they lose their license as they get caught DUI or damage their vehicle. They also tend to lose their jobs and struggle to be responsible at work.

Then they tend to have one failed relationship after another and that includes friendships. They tend to gather with others who also have substance abuse problems. They tend to become users of others and play victim. And yes, they get used too. It’s the nature of the beast. Not your fault and you and your children have suffered and now that she is out they can have their freedom to grow and be happy.

Also, it sounds like the state you live in is set up to think about your children and their right to a safe home. That means not expecting you to pay her money that would compromise your ability to provide for your children.

RDMercer · Jun 25, 2024 at 05:42 PM

#194

She’s right.

I understand what Eskie is saying.

This is part of me being conditioned to yearn for her approval.

For the kids, I do think there’s a part in each of them that’s empty because they’re missing something from their mother. I very much tried to make peace between her and the kids for years

A couple of weeks ago my daughter commented about her mother exploiting men for money, but those men will get what they paid for first. That hurt to hear, but her being exploited is not something my wife ever foresaw. She envisioned that somehow she’d be the one with the power. In actuality she’ll have less power than the men she’ll try to exploit.

There are a LOT of homeless people near my work. My wife fantasized about driving me into homelessness. She said “All you’ll ever be able to afford is a room in someone’s house. You’ll have nothing”

I wonder if I’ll see her homeless sometimes when I drive past these encampments. Or if she’ll end up latched onto someone in a mutually exploitive relationship.

Open Eyes · Jun 25, 2024 at 06:42 PM

Oh she is mean and tries to immaculate you. How awful!

Open Eyes · Jun 25, 2024 at 07:40 PM

And she is much too self absorbed to be a caring mother. Your children do see this and it can’t be changed. I think you and your children have been working on accepting that reality.

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Changing my responses

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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,251 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.5k hugs given	Jun 23, 2024 at 01:10 PM #183 Did your parents have a good time?
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RDMercer Grand Member Member Since May 2013 Posts: 899 11 118 hugs given	Jun 23, 2024 at 01:24 PM #184 Yes It’s all been very easy and good. Some of the kids just left to go for a drive in the rain and others are watching a horror movie I’m washing sheets and towels
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,251 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.5k hugs given	Jun 23, 2024 at 05:26 PM #185 Nice to see you are making so much progress in taking your power back. It’s a good example for your children🥰
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,251 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.5k hugs given	Jun 25, 2024 at 04:31 AM #187 @RDMercer you just stated that you created this situation with your wife. How? How is her predicament your fault?
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,251 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.5k hugs given	Jun 25, 2024 at 08:46 AM #189 How many times has she told you she misses you and is sorry? From what you have shared 0. From what you shared all interactions have been about HER wants and needs and at times has been bossy and entitled. That’s on her, not your fault.
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unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 40,970 (SuperPoster!) 13 68.9k hugs given	Jun 25, 2024 at 03:05 PM #196 #194 everyone has a right to their own values. You cant force your values on someone - at least not until the Supreme Court finishes declaring shariah law.
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,251 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.5k hugs given	Jun 25, 2024 at 06:42 PM #199 Oh she is mean and tries to immaculate you. How awful!
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,251 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.5k hugs given	Jun 25, 2024 at 07:40 PM #200 And she is much too self absorbed to be a caring mother. Your children do see this and it can’t be changed. I think you and your children have been working on accepting that reality.
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