Changing my responses

From my therapy experience, she helped me understand what I went through including why the people (parents & husband) made life so difficult for me & that helped me understand that it was NOT me who was the cause. Yea, the way I responded to them never used good interpersonal skills & were the skills I taught myself as a kid to survive & thrive in my own very independent way.

It was important to understand the past, the cause (dealing with a dad that was most likely on the spectrum) & then a husband who was actually diagnosed with aduld ADD but missed the spectrum diagnoses that knowing the past history of him made the dot connection even if not formally dx'ed.

It was only with the information of all I had gone through & where I was after all that was no longer in my life & how I functioned without it that my T was able to help me integrate that past with my present & finally understand all the pieces of my life. Knowing that my reactions to those people in my life were what normal people would experience even though I could have responded in a healthier way, truly has helped me heal. I also learned healthier skills to respond with (though sometimes I choose not to use them if I really am pissed off).

We need to know what we were dealing with because sometimes it gives us a better feel for what we are legally dealing with & the direction we can help our lawyers understand to take when necessary. Like my now ex would never respond to any of my lawyers. Didn't show up for the court case & was/is in contempt of the judgment the judge ruled. Given that knowledge my current RE lawyer in Calif knows what she is up against & can plan accordingly.

It took me years after I left my marriage to figure out whether what I went through was abuse (emotional/ financial). Whether it was intentional or not. Why I responded to only those people with anger but no one else. I needed to sort through it all for my own understanding. I knewvwalking out on him was the best choice I had ever made in my life but I also needed to know why. I have always been the kind of person who needs the "WHY?" answered so I know & so that I can put words to my feelings. It took me years after leaving before I had words to truly explain my feelings & the only feelings I identified were anger. Being able to have words to explain the anger in my marriage opened the door to find the words to express what I had felt toward my parente growing up.

Knowing & understanding what you have been dealing with all your life & understanding the attached feelings at least for me was the only way I have been able to heal.

I never cry but from the time I left (2007) until 2011, every time I came into theraoy I burst into tears....once I started to grasp a real understanding of the emotions/anger that caused the tears & understood what I had actually dealt with all my life, that was when real healing started.

MD, do what you need for your own healing process to remove the guilt & shame. I didn't learn this to excuse away their behaviors but so I could understand the effect their behaviors had on me all those years & finally take control over that. Knowledge is power even when applied to yourself

It’s ok to share your part in the overall problem. However @RDMercer choosing to say the failure is all your fault can be a way of maintaining control of an illusion instead of facing a reality you can’t fix.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes It’s ok to share your part in the overall problem. However @RDMercer choosing to say the failure is all your fault can be a way of maintaining control of an illusion instead of facing a reality you can’t fix.

Yes!!!!!!!

Analyzing the situation to see the big picture & the part each played is important to understand what happened. Taking the whole blame in a situation one didn't cause & can't fix is not reality.

Very profound, Open Eyes.

There's a slang term that applies to codependent and dysfunctional relationships - "crap-fitting." Sort of self explanatory, but many of us learned to modify ourselves, our perceptions, beliefs, and actions, to maintain relationships that are important to us. Most of us started doing this in childhood, when it was a matter of survival, but it becomes second nature.

It's a hard habit to break.

((((((((((RDM)))))))))

Good video about codependency vs being in a narcissistic abusive relationship

Embracing guilt is a way to feeling less helpless It’s often a subconscious way of self protecting. Human beings are problem solvers by nature so in that there is an innate desire to avoid helplessness.

@RDMercer how did your holiday weekend go?

No, it’s not all my fault

But I’ve sure been manipulated through guilt to feel like it for a long time.

It just leaves me with cycles of ruminating.

The low periods are getting further apart.

The times I really feel weak are getting further apart.

oh my gosh!

Thank you!

Good.

Quiet.

I go through periods of loneliness sometimes and this was one.

I’m finding it hard to find something fulfilling for me to do other than work. I’m also finding it hard to go for stretches without adult conversations.

Thinking about learning an instrument…

RDM

Good idea, what instrument were you thinking about learning to play?

Have you ever attended an alanon meeting? People involved in a relationship with someone who has substance abuse problems do experience a loneliness and desire to be able to interact in adult conversations.

I’ve been to Al Anon meetings in the past. I attended regularly for over a year to give it a fair try. I might try it again.

There’s a lot of community in music. I’m just thinking about it.

I’ve said stuff about off-roading and working on cars on here in the past . I’m not a beat-mother-nature-into-submission person.

Off roading was always more about adventure, exploring, being prepared, and being creative enough to get back if you got into trouble.

It was always a stress reliever because it demanded my attention

Similarly, martial arts demanded my attention

I had to quit stressing and ruminating and be in the moment or things were going to get bad.

I think music offers a chance for community, and a requirement to be mentally present.


I’m still in my head today. I mentioned talking to my brother about compassion. I see my wife as this injured, damaged soul who won’t ever see her own contributions to her situation and who probably won’t ever have peace. Her connections with people will become more shallow over time. And she’d pull us all down with her on her way down if she could.

That’s the dissonance between thinking and feeling.

Just a thought....I got involved with Celebrate Recovery. Similar to AA/ALANON but for all hurts, hang-ups & addictions. It helps with depression, anxiety & helps with those who are dealing with people who are dealing with people who have addictions alobg with those with addictions. It grows into an amazing community but has a church basis rather than just aimed at any higher power.

I get your wife being broken & pulling everyone down with her & never sees her part in it. Went through that myself & was so thankful to escape. It is truly an escape from people like that

Thank you

This is called bargaining. It’s part of the grieving process when a relationship is breaking apart. It’s important to remember that if it was in your wife’s power she would take it all from you and leave you homeless.

That’s hard to accept when it’s someone you loved.

I’ve mentioned before about this woman who jumped into my life last year when I told her I was going through a separation. She was immediately very protective and defensive of me and the kids.

I’ve since found out she was in a long term relationship, since high school, with someone who became progressively more abusive.

She told me her youngest was two when she fully realized who her husband was. Over the next ten years she moved utility bills into her name. Then she assumed responsibility for paying the mortgage. When the mortgage renewed, somehow she was able to renew it in just her name.

Once her youngest was 13, and her husband had no say where the child lived, she kicked him out. Her husband had nothing to prove that was actually his home at that point!

This woman recently told me “ you come to terms with it that this is a person who can cause harm to your family, because chaos, disorder, lack of stability, and financial hits are HARM. Then you ACT on that. Not on your feelings. My thoughts and feelings haven’t aligned in almost 15 years. You have to act on what’s real.”

I’m blown away by the mental strength some people have.

Your friend is absolutely correct. Sometimes we get so hung up on the psychological aspects of life we forget that acting logically on reality is what we need to do

I started off this thread with “changing my responses”

Is just like to say, I’ve kept that focus in my mind for months.

When things blew up at work I was wrecked for about two weeks, but forced myself to refocus my thinking. There are people who carry an insurmountable degree of injustice. The one I was complaining about??? I missed out on a promotion and don’t fit the mood at work. Oh well

I came to realizations about my father. He’s a damaged person who grew up with trauma. He’s a good, moral person. He’s never wrong, and he’s not empathetic. He actually has some kind of emotional block, and admitting he’s wrong makes him vulnerable. Ok. Lots of people have grown up with worse.

Even my hopes of other work has changed. My relationship with my prospective partners has become less frantic and less heightened and more realistic and focused to “what can we do, right now, to start? And how can we grow with little risk?”

And, I’ve become more demanding of the kids. Sorry. I can’t do it all. Y’all need to help more. Love you tho!



RDMercer

Wonderful. We are never too old to learn, grow & change

@RDMercer checking in with you. How are things going?

For the most part really good. There’s this source of chaos on the periphery of my life but I’m increasingly immune to her.

She’s caused me some small financial hits. But that’s ok. At SOME point we’ll end up in court and this is all easily provable and she’ll look foolish and vindictive. The costs she’s caused me aren’t mine, they’re hers. I can envision us never returning to court because she won’t want to face that.

I’m overwhelmingly busy. But work is enjoyable. I’ve been tasked with training three new hires. Somehow my “inability to work with others” isn’t apparent anytime training and support is required and is only used to justify not promoting me. Oh well.

My side work, teaching, training, and consulting is picking up and two small business owners have met with me several times now to see if we can find mutually beneficial ways to expand that.

I am TIRED much of the time because there’s so much going on

The kids are healthy and happy. My daughter and I are together often and she’s gotten the message that Dad needs more help at home, and that help equals more time for fun. That girl likes anything with horsepower. She’s in a week of dirt bike lessons next week.

This weekend we all drove the 6 hours to see my folks. The oldest drove us in his car. I got to be in a car of young people who all enjoy each other with music cranking for the whole drive

At home I often just enjoy the silence now. Not even any music or background noise

I have low days and setbacks. I feel alone sometimes. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. And I feel hopeful sometimes. I still go through periods of wondering if I could ever get through to her and get back to a family life, but I try not to ruminate on that.

That’s it I think.

Something else that’s different that I’m thankful for…

The opportunity to contribute.

The last time we came here my parents had said their dishwasher was broken. I was able to bring a dishwasher in my minivan and install it for them. A local community centre my dad and brother volunteer at lost their hot water and a couple of electrical outlets and I was able to spend a few hours working on that to fix it. My father had said one of the neighbours had a deck that needed work and I was able to go and show him what was wrong and how it could be fixed and ordered the materials for him. The rain kept me from doing the job though.

This morning my brother said his car needs work and it’s a two week wait to get into the garage. He said he’s scared to drive it. So, I started working on it, but my oldest has taken over the job. He’s doing a great job.

All the kids came to help make lunch, and they’re all clearing dishes now.

I’m heading out to get my parents hearing aid batteries right now.

I am so thankful for all of this.

My family have totally driven me insane at times but they’ve also been generous with me at times. I’m so happy to be able to contribute in return.

@RDMercer how are things going?

Things are good.

I remain blown away at the peace in our home.

I went off-roading early Friday morning with my oldest, did a ton of chores at home with the kids all afternoon. His GF came over and joined us for supper, then we all walked to the neighbours for dessert

Saturday we had friends in for lunch. Saturday night we went to other neighbours for game night

Sunday we each did our own thing, but had dinner and the evening together.

Took my daughter shopping for clothes and we were at the gym together tonight.

My first side gig contract is done and I have two more waiting. I began the next one today. And I have a longer term side contract coming in late September it looks like.

Lonely though. Grieving quietly a lot lately.

Dr Ramani talks about grieving your entire world view and the story that shaped your world. That’s true.

It’s 4 months since I’ve heard from her, except for 5 minutes one day that she called for our daughter and I answered.

Maybe her life is good. Maybe it’s all crumbling. Maybe she has regrets. Maybe she’s pleased or full of vengeance. No idea.

It’s 20 months apart. Not one question about the kids. Not. One. Not so much as Are they OK? Do they need anything?

I mourn that for the kids too.

RDM