Changing my responses

My wife has posed as me on social media and contacted family.

I think this is a major risk.

RD, I think they know exactly what will set you off, and they do so intentionally.

Your post about "changing your responses" really hits home for me because I'm dealing with this with people in my community of dog sports, and particularly this one woman who has been doing things to intentionally bait me and get a reaction and make me look angry/crazy/immature, whatever, when really it's HER behavior that is immature, childish, and unsportsmanlike. Her toxic goal is to get a response out of me that proves her point. I think your family does the same.

I don't think our goal should be to change our responses, but rather, it should be to recognize when someone is baiting us and just walk away so they can't get the satisfaction. Our goal should be to spot toxic people and avoid them like the plague, so that no reaction/response even comes into the equation.

I spoke with both OE and Eskie over the weekend about this person and their behavior. This person did get a response out of me a little bit with their baiting and childishness, but it didn't really get them what they wanted. I wish I hadn't even responded with what little I had. Or, I can think back now at least to a better way to have responded that would have been less responsive and not given her what she wanted. Unfortunately, I really didn't know that she would stoop to the level that she did, but I should have guessed it.

So, apologies, not intending to hijack your thread, just telling this story to show I relate, and to also share my own realization, which is that it's not about not responding. It's about having the boundaries to avoid them in the first place.

And what I also realize is that this is the entitled type of person (I'm not going to arm chair diagnosis this woman, but I can definitely say without a shadow of doubt that she's very entitled, toxic, and self centered) doesn't think twice about what they did to you. Your family isn't sitting around thinking up new ways to torture you or bait you. They go about their day thinking about themselves, and when you are around, it gives them pleasure to bait you to prove who you are (or who they say you are), and when you're gone, they just sit in their self satisfaction thinking about themselves.

When your dad says things that are just like WTF, when you find yourself questioning why any human being would say that to you, that's your sign to end the conversation. And that's not a negotiation. It sounds to me like your father isn't a "safe" person for this kind of discussion anyhow.

I could have avoided exploding at this woman when she called me over and baited me into conversation a month ago, but she's going around lying about what happened and saying that I got into it with her, and I certainly could have avoided that by simply refusing to get into that conversation at all with her when she started talking to me. But I wasn't on my guard and I didn't realize her level of toxicity, and I got baited into it. It's not my fault, and I can forgive myself, but it's given her ammo to continue trying to bait me.

On the other hand, I'm also friends with a woman in the community, she's funny because personally we are very different people, she's conservative politically and I avoid talking about anything sociopolitical or anything, we just talk about dogs, but one thing I've learned from her is to have a don't give a **** attitude when it comes to advocating for yourself and the people you love. I'm learning a bit from her to have a healthy amount of self-centeredness (not sure that's really the right term). I think so often we are people pleasing, we forget there are many people who do not deserve our consideration.

This is hard. This time I've said things that can't be undone.


I told my dad in front of my brother, that dad has covert narcissistic traits.


I said, I'm poked, and poked, and poked, until I respond. You've both treated me like I'm too angry my whole life, but this is what's always happened.


I said I'd begged dad to stop picking stuff with my wife while we were together but he wouldn't, and that all created pain, hardship and drama in my home for years, but he "had to say these things to witness for the Lord".


I've since given them both dozens of examples of similar things. Which, of course makes me look crazy and angry.


My brother knew about the stuff with my wife, but dad had already planted it that she'd started all those instances.



I really believe I've over reacted in my response this time, but my therapist said, "Of course. You have PTSD. Look at the effects of a firecracker on a veteran."


So... Ultimately I'm isolated, and I don't think there's any coming back from this one.

This is hard. This time I've said things that can't be undone.

I told my dad in front of my brother, that dad has covert narcissistic traits.

I said, I'm poked, and poked, and poked, until I respond. You've both treated me like I'm too angry my whole life, but this is what's always happened.

I said I'd begged dad to stop picking stuff with my wife while we were together but he wouldn't, and that all created pain, hardship and drama in my home for years, but he "had to say these things to witness for the Lord".

I've since given them both dozens of examples of similar things. Which, of course makes me look crazy and angry.

My brother knew about the stuff with my wife, but dad had already planted it that she'd started all those instances.

I really believe I've over reacted in my response this time, but my therapist said, "Of course. You have PTSD. Look at the effects of a firecracker on a veteran."

So... Ultimately I'm isolated, and I don't think there's any coming back from this one.

Yes, I have been trying to stop myself from having the last word too. The last word with a manipulative person isn't worth it. And they drive it on so long, I feel disgusted with myself after. Better to just stop responding and preserve one's peace and integrity.

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So true. Can be so hard to keep to this. They drag it on and on.... to the depths of insanity even sometimes. We Need and Deserve to preserve our peace and integrity against their relentless picking at invisible faults (in us) and their stupid mind games.

I agree about taking some space for yourself and separating yourself from the toxicity of it- even if only for a while.

You've got enough going on in life without giving him/them unavailable space. At the moment, what you think, feel, and do is so much more important than what they think, feel, or do.

Do you identify with being the scapegoat? If so, what's happened isn't the end, it's potentially just part of being cast in that role . A dysfunctional family system needs a scapegoat. That system without a scapegoat is like a house without a trash can-- where do you dump your garbage otherwise? Scapegoats are very important. Some practitioners see them as the most important role in the family- because without a scapegoat the rest of the family can't deal with their stuff and has nowhere to dump it.

Anyhow, if that resonates with you, here's a longish, but excellent video about being a scapegoat. This guy is great, not only does he explain things well, he's also a survivor of a very dysfunctional system, and he tends to give practical advice/exercises to work on those issues.