Changing my responses

ANOTHER weekend with friends, old 4x4s, exploring old roads, live music, a couple of meals out, and a long walk with the kids beside the water.

And we went to visit my parents

They’re not perfect but there’s good in them. I’m choosing to focus on that while around them for the times I have left with them.

I was able to introduce some new friends to some old friends and I got a lot of hugs from both.

My new friends heard tons of stories of my old days and then said….. You always worked a LOT didn’t you, and did stuff for the community, and worked for your neighbours. And your family and friends are the same. You were a sheep to be fleeced! There was no end to what she could take from you, and you’d have still assumed the best in her.

RDM

You have my full sympathy, RD. I'm about to travel thousands of miles to visit family. Right now, I have anxiety about how that's going to go. On my last two trips, there was some unpleasant melodrama.

I loved my father, who is gone now, but provoking people was a sport for him. He'ld do it to me, and sometimes I'd react, letting him know that I didn't appreciate the "needling." Then he'd say "Everything bothers you." That would make my head want to explode. So I hear you.

Your kids sound wonderful. How great that you didn't perpetuate toward them what was done to you! Your father sounds like an excellent person to NOT take advice from. I would vehemently disagree with him on your regarding any prospective dating partner as a new "mother" for your kids. That would not be her role, IMHO.

No one can push our buttons like those in our immediate family. At this very moment, I'm trying to work on not getting provoked by not getting validated by a family member. I hadn't asked for her validation. She called me to chat about my upcoming trip to visit family. She launched into a mini-lecture about how I need to try and not react emotionally, when someone says something I find upsetting. (That happened on my last trip.) Her saying that made me want to scream. I didn't. Instead, I said - "Someone's at the door. I have to go." I'm glad I got off the phone. I think she believed me. I don't care, if she didn't.

There is tremendous power in being able to not react. There's a scene in The Godfather Part 3, where Michael Corleone tells his nephew, Vincent, "Never let anyone know what you're thinking!" I'm trying to paste that on the inside of my forehead. When I've revealed that something hurt me, saying so often just opened me up to more hurt.

I had a long relationship with the man I loved. Telling him when I felt hurt usually prompted him to offer a heartfelt apology. That's one reason why we lasted so long together (until he passed away.) That's the only relationship where it worked like that. With close relatives, I've found that taking exception to something said to me just makes the other party go on the defensive and dig their heels in deeper.

I get impetuous, when I'm aroused emotionally. That has not worked out well for me. So I'm trying to rein in that tendency. It can be awfully hard. Like me, I think you know what you need to do - change your response. Easier said, than done! Sometimes, our best bet is to just temporarily withdraw from engaging with the person.

When you said, "I have to work on not being provoked, and not reacting when I'm not validated . . . " it felt like you were right inside my skin today. I can't give you any surefire approach on how to achieve that. Just know that I'm right there with you, enmeshed in the same struggle. You're father is into playing with your head. That, right there, is toxicity. In my case, today, my sister wasn't trying to negate me. I'm sure she was intending to be helpful. With my father - who has passed on - it was deliberate gamesmanship, which feels worse. I always wished I was more witty and could think up snappy comebacks, but his mind was too quick for me. So I'd just stay away from him, until he would call almost begging me to come visit.

Good luck at court. Judges do have to consider the wishes of children. It sounds like your kids want to be with you. That should count for something.

Thank you!

Oh my gosh I feel like I connected with an awful lot of what you shared!

I always have tried to validate the kids to a point I’ve worried I’ve allowed them to be self centred and indulged at times. Works in progress, all of us.

I’m trying to learn some about stoicism and having thoughtful reactions

I felt what you said about wishing you were more quick witted. We aren’t because we just wouldn’t talk to someone like that

I hear you. I feel you!

RDMercer

@RDMercer how did the holiday weekend go for you?

Um.

Really, really good.

My oldest is HOME at every possible opportunity, for as long as he can stretch it out each time he has a weekend off. He loves it here.

The kids had BF's GF's and BFF's here all weekend.

I mowed, and worked out, and made meals, and took one evening to sit on the deck with my neighbours without the kids.

I went driving with my DD and she asked a hundred questions about the plausibility of having mini cows in our yard for therapeutic purposes. We also tried to convince a very handsome male mallard that he should get in our car and come home with us to no avail.

I drove an hour on Sunday morning to spend time with an elderly family member that has no one else close by.

It's all really boring.

Your mallard probably has a (soon to be) family near by!

We watch for the duck couples arriving every spring.

We try to tell them they’d be happier in our living room but we haven’t talked them into joining us yet

Quote:

It's all really boring.

Lol....that all is the kind of boring I love.....PEACE

Good news

I guess….

My wonderful daughter decided to do her year end report on the feasibility of a therapeutic mini cow operation

And Lo….. Our yard is apparently big enough for such, and she has produced research articles on the benefits of cow cuddling

Sigh

This kid……. She’s all about the herbivores

Nothing wrong with being an animal lover. Maybe she might want to be a veterinarian.

Maybe you will have some mini cow milk too (lol....unless it's a mini bull)

I don’t think she’ll ever be a veterinarian

She just wants to hug cows

It’s her life dream to have a horse, a couple of cows, and bunnies

Herbivores. She’s all about the herbivores.

It sounds like you and your kids are quite close, and you enjoy them, and they like being with you. That's very important right now. Your ex-wife sounds rather unstable. Your kids need to know that you will be a stable presence in their lives. Perhaps you will date at some point. No need to rush into that. But, if and when you do, no woman you date should be looked at as having a parental role in your kids' lives. At best, such a woman could aspire to be friendly toward your kids, and that's it. Right now, it's probably good that you aren't involved with a potential partner. Your kids could use some undivided attention from you, which you are giving them.

I agree

No rush. Just enjoying this time

Oh!

Good news.

She’s learned about mini donkeys…

Minni Donkeys are cute. The Minni ponies are adorable too.

@RDMercer checking in on you to see how it’s going.

It’s going really, really well.

I’m happy most of the time. I’m really relaxed most of the time.

Work almost drove me insane until I changed my thinking.

These things are true: I have a good job with benefits and a good work/life balance, I’m respected by my peers and immediate management, but upper management screwed me over. Yup. That happens. There are bigger injustices in the world.

My dad drives me crazy with some stuff. Ok. I voiced it and I keep a boundary. I enjoy him as I can, and there is definitely good in him to enjoy.

My kids are awesome and happy and healthy. They love it at home. They have good relationships in their lives. They are making good choices and I enjoy them so much.

I’m teaching part time at a local community college and kicking butt at it. Apparently I’m extremely good at explaining, helping visualize problems, and I’ve been told “inspiring” to the students. Outside of the class I’ve also been hired to work one on one tutoring tradespeople in math, science, and document use.

DD and I went to visit my parents for the Father’s Day weekend. While away the oldest enjoyed the house with his friends and had the lawn mowed and the alternator changed on my car when we got back. He also bought his younger sibling a kayak so they could go fishing together

Money is tight but all the bills are paid. Some months we have a bit more some months we’re a bit short.

And a very attractive woman at the community college said yesterday “how about we take you to get that tattoo related to your wife lasered off. I’ll wear something sexy. We can post a bunch of before and after photos and selfies together on social media. I know your wife’s bestie. It will drive them crazy.”

It’s not in me to do that, but the offer was funny and flattering. I’ve not told anyone about it in real life

. Last week my wife blocked the mortgage renewal on the house and then withdrew almost $5000 that I’d paid down on our joint LOC. She’s trying to push my monthly payments through the roof

Brilliant plan on her part to do this a couple of months before we are in court again….

I was angry about that for two days, but then it’s like…. Ok….. This is going to blow up in her face. I just have to weather this for a couple of months.

I’m fairly confident things are crumbling for my wife. I’m not saying that maliciously. I feel empathy for her. She knows she basically stole from me. She also should know that any action on holding up the mortgage renewal will be seen as solely punitive against me and therefore the minors.

My DD went OFF last week. I asked her about connecting with her mom. She said “She can’t teach me anything. Not about school or being independent or about self discipline or about being a partner or a parent. She won’t work enough to support herself. Do you think I don’t know what that means? It means she needs a man, but she comes with so many red flags no man is staying for long. So, she takes what she can. She gets her rent, or her car fixed, and HE gets what he paid for before he moves on. That’s who my mother is now.”

That hurt incredibly to hear and to face. It hurt that our child sees that. Like, that REALLY hurt to the point that I don’t like to think about it. I loved my wife and value intimacy, But I expect it’s true.

My oldest had a big outburst last week about never being loved by his mom, and her just sucking up love and resources from the family. He’s a big powerful man and an injured little boy at the same time.

It’s hard stuff. But we’re good.

Oops!

My message came out disjointed

Typing on my phone on a tiny screen

I'm glad you have so much to feel positive about. Life is never perfect, but you seem able to manage the troubling areas. That's the best you can do.

That’s not right that she can extort money like that. You should let your lawyer know about this asap.

It’s hard on children when the parent does toxic selfish things. It’s good that your daughter feels comfortable enough to share her feelings with you. It’s best she has chosen to completely distance herself. I am sure she feels betrayed. There is such a thing as betrayal trauma.

Yes, I’ve read about betrayal trauma.

I spoke to my lawyer

She said, “That’s easily traceable. And you agreed to the new mortgage rate, signed it, then she went to the bank in person and blocked the mortgage renewal. There is no possible way her legal counsel advised her to do that. Her counsel will probably tell her to put it all back and sign the mortgage before court, which is two months away. If she’s refusing to listen to her legal counsel then we’re just dealing with chaotic behaviour and that also isn’t going to play out well for her .”

She seems to be begging for a section 8 or whatever it’s called in civilian life. My ex got ordered to a mental evaluation by our divorce judge. After that he was ordered to only see his daughter under supervision and ordered to cease all contact with me.

My lawyer already asked me about a court ordered psych evaluation. Said it’s time and we can request one.

She said a covert narcissist diagnosis would basically nullify most of her presentation of “fact”

My concern is, what if she has neuro damage from drinking? If she’s actually incapable of working due to neurological damage, then what?

My lawyer said,”I don’t know.”

In the mean time…. I’m liking life.