Changing my responses

I'm scared of this, to be honest.

I'm scared to be vulnerable to someone. I'm also very scared of hurting someone who makes themselves vulnerable to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer I'm scared of this, to be honest. I'm scared to be vulnerable to someone. I'm also very scared of hurting someone who makes themselves vulnerable to me.

Just enjoy your friendships & neighbors. You are not at the point of being vulnerable to someone. Your divorce is not even final & you are still healing & putting those pieces together to gain wisdom. When the time is right & if the right person shows up, you will know it. Worry about that then, not now

@eskielover

I think you are right. I really feel that is where I am at. This is a safe spot to be right now.

RDMercer

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer @eskielover I think you are right. I really feel that is where I am at. This is a safe spot to be right now. RDMercer

That was where I realized I needed to be when I left. No more complications thrown into my life until I knew I was healed from all I had gone through because otherwise I thought I might make a similar mistake again or I would just carry my anger into a new relationship if triggered in the same way. Lol....it's been 17 years (May 15) since I left & I have never been happier. The happy & peace keeps growing. My friends I have are solid friends & for me, that is what is important. A life that is stable & as financially sound as possible & a good relationship with my daughter though states apart is so much better than life really ever was.

I enjoyed doing the things & going the places I went in my marriage but looking back, I enjoyed the experiences for the experiences, not who I was with & that truly was eye opening to me about all those years in the marriage. I realized walking our path through life was only merged by a marriage license, not a real soul connect

It’s normal to be where you are in terms of not being ready for another relationship. It’s the narcissist that jumps into other relationships because they don’t genuinely love and instead need to constantly fill a void. And they tend to engage for a financial gain. And they feel entitled to do so and play the victim.

You have integrity and you loved your wife. She can’t return that and this is hard to understand. Add to that her drinking which is yet another narcissistic problem. It’s no wonder you struggle to trust yourself or getting into another relationship.

A good read… BRUTAL words from actor ANTHONY HOPKINS 💙💙💙

Let go of the people who are not ready to love you.
It is the hardest thing you'll have to do in your life and it will be the most important thing.

Stop having difficult conversations with people who don't want to change.

Stop showing up for people who aren't interested in your presence.

I know your instinct is to do whatever it takes to gain the appreciation of the people around you, but it's an impulse that robs your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you start fighting for a life of joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be willing to follow you there.

It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, it means you have to let go of people who are not ready to be with you.

If you are excluded, offended, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you are not doing yourself a favor by continuing to offer them your energy and life.
Truth is, you ain't for everyone and not everyone is for you.

This is what makes it so special about meeting people you have friendship or love with.
You will know the value of it because you have experienced what it isn't.

There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will find them on your level of interest and commitment.

If you stop showing up, maybe they won't look for you.
When you stop trying, the relationship ends.
If you stop texting, your phone might stay dark for weeks.

It doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it's just that the only thing that kept it going was the energy you only gave to keep it.

This is not love, this is connection.
It's giving a chance to those who didn't deserve it!
You deserve much more.
The most valuable thing you own in your life is your time and energy because both are limited.

The people and things you give your time and energy to will define your existence.
When you realize this, you start to understand why you are so anxious about spending time with people, activities, or spaces that don't suit you or shouldn't be around you.

You will start to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else.

Make your life a safe haven where only people who are "compatible" with you are allowed.
You're not responsible for saving someone.
It’s not your responsibility to convince them to do better.

It’s not your job to exist for people and give them your life!

You deserve real friendships, real commitment and a full love with healthy wealthy people.
Choosing to distance yourself from toxic people will give you the love, appreciation, happiness and protection you deserve. Copied from the internet. 💙💙💙F

This is very appropriate for me also. Good post.

^

The only part of the above I disagree with is the ''wealthy'' as I would not exclude someone from my life if they are not financially ''wealthy''. Of course if that term is not meant literally that is ''ok''....

Distancing from ''toxic'' people is excellent advice. I think some of us (including me sometimes) are too forgiving and inclusive. It does not serve us well. As in...''moving on'' from toxic people is necessary but not always as easy as it sounds.

To the OP, wishing you love, appreciation, happiness and protection

Fuzzy! It is not your job to exist for people and give them your life.

I don’t think he means wealthy in terms of money. I questioned that myself and it doesn’t go with the rest if one thinks the wealth is financial. IMHO wealth is a genuine nice human being.

I don't think it means financially wealthy. I have friends of all levels & they are friends because the relationship is truly caring. In my view, that is true wealth, not money.

It's interesting becausr when I left my marriage & moved so far away to start life over, one of the things I have been VERY SELECTIVE about are the people I am willing to associate with. If someone upsets the peace my life has become I KNOW there is an issue & I do not allow them into my inner circle. Usually it is different values on things & a way different way of seeing things. I can be friends but not close friends & I either limit my assocoation with them or distance myself all together. I realized I no longer had to tolerate people in my life that cause me stress. I have plenty of friends thst don't cause stress & plenty of places I go to that aren't stressful. I have MY priorities & that is what is important in my life. Has worked better for 17 years that the life I had before for 54 years.

Lol....distancing the first time was a challenge but each time after that it got easier & easier & no doubt what I did was right....it does take practice

Who rocks???

You guys rock!!


(And if you're my age, it's in a chair )

@RDMercer how did you fare this tricky Mother’s Day weekend?

Well....

My youngest was sick all week; possibly Covid, perhaps a flu.

We cuddled on the couch and watched movies together every night last week. My oldest came home at lunch on Friday and began edging the driveway, weeding, and cleaning the yard He worked until about 8pm. He lifted the drain grate in the driveway and unplugged the drain of leaves. At 8:30 he went to visit neighbors. When he came back, he sat across the room from us and watched a zombie movie with us until midnight, then we all went out in the front yard and watched the northern lights.

Saturday we all slept in. He spent another couple of hours on the driveway. I got another old project vehicle running Saturday afternoon and we're going to start working on the body and frame of it next week. I also got my lawn tractor fixed and got two loads of laundry done. He went with his GF to go for a hike in the afternoon. Neighbors called and invited me up for coffee at 3pm. Then I mowed for a few hours. DD and I had dinner together and watched more zombie movies.

The big fella came home Saturday night and we watched TV together, then we all went and sat on lawn chairs in the yard and watched the northern lights until 1AM. I went to bed and the kids stayed up.

Sunday, DD was pretty exhausted and slept quite a bit. I mowed and did yard work for a few hours, got a workout in. Neighbors called and asked me and the big kid to help lift a big stone bench in their yard and we stayed and had coffee with them. After, I made dinner for us and the big kid brought his GF over.

After dinner his GF left, and we all hung out and watched more zombie movies until 10pm.

The big kid is HOME at every opportunity. He loves is at home with us. He keeps talking about things he wants to do with the property to make it more useable and enjoyable for us all.

I'm telling ya.... It's a hard old life these days

I still miss my wife. I still write and delete emails all the time, wondering if I can reach her or get through to her.

I'm sure she is telling a story of being victimized, and she probably was heartbroken she was alone for Mother's Day, without an ounce of self realization that she caused all of it herself.

RDMercer

It’s normal to wish things could be more normal and even wonder if you were somehow not good enough. These are things your children wonder and struggle with too.

At least the disordered toxic is out of the house and you have finally made it a safer home for you and your children. Life sure does throw some very challenging things to work our way through. It’s good that you just hung out and relaxed with your children and you all found a way to spend a challenging day together and did your best to keep the unhealthy drama away. None of you failed, it takes time to understand it.

It’s good that your daughter got to cuddle with her daddy and got to feel safe.

I'm surprised sometimes how much contact my kids desire.

My son is a big young man. He'll hug me so hard. He's said, "Don't let go. Don't think I don't need this just because I'm big now."

My daughter asks for hugs all the time, and asks to just sit with me or hold hands with me if we are driving.

I love them so much.

Your kids definitely have the parent they need in you & they know & appreciate it.

When the "emotional vampire" leaves the castle, then it's safe for everyone else to feel, and express themselves, again

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Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108 When the "emotional vampire" leaves the castle, then it's safe for everyone else to feel, and express themselves, again

So very true & when they feel safe & peace & calm, THEY KNOW they held no blame because it didn't continue on after the vampire was gone.

That is how I knew I was not to blame in my marriage after I left because my issues with it didn't follow me to my new life across the country. Only issues that hit are still things related to him that I am still trying to clean up.

Oh my GAWD,!

I felt this in my chest when I read it.

This is so true! I've never thought of it like that.

RDMercer

I keep going to this as a benchmark too. I question myself often, but it is becoming less.

BUT.... Holy smokes there is so much peace and laughter now.

My wife, at best, said it was "us" at the root of it all, and that I was deeply toxic.

Well... Then why are things so peaceful and healthy now? Why are the kids in good friendships, in good BF/GF relationships and AGE APPROPRIATE relationships? Why is one doing so well at work and one doing so well in school? Why are we doing new things and having neighbors drop over so often if I'm toxic?

I'm telling you.... Looking at the degree of projection I was subjected to is amazing. She told me for years and years that being with me was like being married to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I had NO CLUE what Mr Hyde stuff she was seeing in me, but was accused of it for years.

Being accused of overspending, then finding out the thousands and thousands of dollars she blew and hid it. Being accused of keeping her up at night, of picking late night fights all the time, being accused of infidelity while she seem to have had a secret life.

No Mr. Hyde here. One of my biggest faults is that I'm boring. I just fix stuff and cook and workout. That's about it.

Today my son told me I was a human multi-tool. " Um... Thanks?"

RDMercer

LOL Usually kids say "your a tool!" Pretty sure THAT isnt a compliment, but i think human multi-tool is. Very creative boy!

You're not boring. You're just so accustomed to high drama that your baseline of what's normal is messed up.

I will take a good foundational life of peace & wonderful kids as a "boring" life any day to high drama. It is QUALITY of life & that's what counts