[MuddyBoots]

My partner just said they wanted to discuss something with me in person Friday night and something about wanting to spend as much life with me as I'll let them. They are, in my eyes, perfect. They've showed nothing but love, understanding, and affection.

I don't deserve this connection. It's uncomfortable. I'm not used to it. I'm supposed to be with someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. This is probably why all my life I've spent all my time with addicts and abusers.

I'm going to fk up and hurt them. I know how it's going to go. One day they'll wake up and realize better things await them, and leave as they should, if that day comes before I leave because I'm too scared to wait for that day.

The idea that they said they want me in their life as much as I'll let them scares me a lot too. I can't even think about the next hour, let alone "life." For all I know in ten minutes they're going to show up and say they're out, or I'm going to call them and freak.

I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to feel like I should wake up tomorrow for someone else either. I feel smothered in a way.

I don't know whether to get out of my comfort zone and stick with it or to stop talking to them so I can stop thinking they think they've rescued an abused dog from the shelter. I know it's my own insecurities and probably some disorganized attachment BS, and I should focus more on enjoying their presence and giving them love, but the receiving end of this love feels like torture. I know I shouldn't go back to people that abuse, cheat, are more a drinking buddy than a partner, manipulate, etc., so I'm kinda thinking I'm just going to refrain from anything like this forever.

Idk man. Thoughts?

[unaluna]

Are they codependent? All the books n carp are written for the codependent, not the dependent i.e., you. It sounds like their codependency is freaking you out a little? Are they trying to fix you, or are they just enjoying being with your wonderful self (im not being sarcastic).

Maybe this is a case of "you have to love yourself first." You know AA says no romantic entanglements while you are getting sober.

Its not good you think they are perfect. Do they think they are perfect? All that is unrealistic. Is some sort of counseling available? I dont like to see you alone.

[divine1966]

I don’t think you should be alone. But it’s concerning that you see this person as perfect. They aren’t.

[MuddyBoots]

I have not seen a single flaw in them. If they have any, they're really damn good at hiding it, or I just don't see it.

How do you tell if they're a codependent? I feel more like they're trying to help me than fix me, but it does seem more like they're leading the way in helping me than us helping each other. They have a solid self esteem and a strong sense of self, but they do not think they are perfect. I can't imagine they're just with me because they like being with my "wonderful self," but maybe they see something in me I can't see. Maybe they see something I'm portraying that isn't really me because I'm scared of being alone.

I know the no romantic involvement AA saying, I just think half of what they say in AA meetings is bs. "Relapse is a part of recovery." I don't think that's true for 100% of people. "Don't drink and go to meetings." Yeah, if it were that simple..., tied into that is "meeting makers make it." You can go to as many meetings as you want, and get pissed when they say stupid shyt even if that's not all that's spewing, but not follow the steps which I guess are supposedly the key to being sober. "Easy does it." Ha. In my mind "easy" is the being blacked out most of the time.

I also don't think AA is the only way of overcoming an addiction. I haven't consistently drank since, I don't know, last summer, and my drug use hasn't been problematic for a solid amount of time either.

[MuddyBoots]

I don't know if it's this thread or some crazy stuff that just went down in the street, but since that post NOT EVEN AN HOUR AGO I got a sweet message from them, and I feel absolutely nothing. At all. Totally numb in every way even trying to listen to music to force myself to feel something, good or bad--tried both, in a healthy way. I have plans to spend the night with them tomorrow, but I kinda just want to say fk it. Maybe I'm just tired. I don't want to bail again though.

Right now I do see a lot of unhealthy things about the relationship. I don't really want to end it though. I don't want to be alone, empty, and have no one. They did motivate me to try and get better, and I even had days I did well at that especially just before and while seeing them. I feel like shyt when I'm not actively talking to them though. Absolutely no self-worth and unworthy, even if I do something well by my standards it doesn't feel good enough to share with them. I looked up traits of a codependent relationship, and that's us for sure.

[unaluna]

I just wanted to say, the thing i like best about AA and its prolly one of the harder things to do, is to "take what you need and leave the rest." That is the smartest thing. It gives you freedom of choice and responsibility for choice. And mostly i just like the miscellaneous quotes. Like the serenity prayer and one day at a time. Also "Serenity NOW!"

[unaluna]

[MuddyBoots]

I do like the serenity prayer, but AA stole from some Protestant. The stuff AA steals makes sense. The group I was forced to go to in rehab seemed to make their own stuff up, and it was the stupidest shyt like having a dog is a good indicator you're ready for a girlfriend. I guess it makes sense because we're all bytches

It's not like if you can't handle a husky you can't handle a low-maintenance partner. And it's not like if you can handle, I don't know, a lab or a beagle or something, you can necessarily handle any relationship.

[unaluna]

My first husband brought me home a surprise kitten. I was no good at either relationship and eventually ran away to california.

[SquarePegGuy]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

-snip- ...having a dog is a good indicator you're ready for a girlfriend. I guess it makes sense because we're all bytches

You're so funny! I'm glad I didn't have a mouthful of tea when I read that!