How should I act next in relation to my case manager?

I´ve seen a case manager/social worker for about one year and a half and I see her within an employment program where they help people to find work. I´ve seen her once a week and talked to her on the phone once a week.

The case managers also offer support in different kinds and forms and I´ve talked to my case manager about my situation in general as it´s my life situation that have lead up to my unemployment.

Due to my anxiety I´ve chosen to see my case manager for walks instead of at the office and we´ve talked about a lot of things, she also shares things about her children, some bits about her childhood and so on. During spring and summer we have sat outside near a lake during our meetings and I´ve brought some coffee as I see it as a nice gesture and it´s nice to have some coffee when talking. A couple of times we had our meetings in a café where she paid for both me and her which I saw as very kind.

Anyway, I´m now very upset and disappointed with her as:

* I wrote her a digital postcard before her vacation where I wished her a nice holiday and I thanked her for this semester and told her I found our meetings nice and that we had talked about many interesting subjects during our meetings. She e-mailed me and said thanks for the card and that it was a nice card but she didn´t comment anything about our meetings. She didn´t say anyhing like "I´ve found our meetings nice too" or similar. She didn´t wish me a nice summer or anything.

* I had a meeting with one of her colleagues and I found her rather impersonal and cold and her questions made me sad and upset. Nothing major but I mentioned this to my case manager and we discussed it on the phone. She then didn´t agree to anything I said but just kept a natural stance and kept trying to focus on other things than what I mentioned about the meeting with her colleague. I felt my case manager ignored what I told her and that it was more important to be lojal to her colleage than to support me on what I told her.

* We had a meeting on the phone just before her vacation and she didn´t ask me anything about what I was going to to during summer. She knows very well about my situation, that I live alone, I live on welfare and so on, she knows my relatives live in another town. But nothing!

She talks about herself and I listen to that, often it´s some fun anecdote but when it comes to my situation and something that concerns my personal situation, she just ignores it. She do care when it comes to try to find me some kind of work training and so on but when I try to get some support (not therapy!) on something that has happened to me now or in the past it´s like she just ignores it.

I´ve seen her for so long so this isn´t a questions of changing case managers. I kind of have the possibility to have my meetings with her on the phone just to keep some distance to her but now after such a long time she will definately question why I suddenly don´t want to meet in person. She´s now on vacation and I´m trying to figure out how to meet with her when she returns.

We had a rather bad phone meeting just before her vacation due to all this I´ve mentioned earlier and I just got disappointed in her.

What do you think I should do? What do you think about how my case manager has acted?

Just from reading this, it sounds like you are expecting way too much from her beyond the PROFESSIONAL relationship of her JOB.

If you have something to share then share it in conversation. Like you said, she is not your therapist.

I would just continue on like you were while you keep in mind she is not a "friend" or your therapist but your professional "case manager".....just my take on this

I think it sounds like you want her to communicate with you as a friend. She could be friendly but she’s not a friend.

I think she already goes above and beyond by meeting outside of office. I don’t think she should be expected to make personal comments about enjoying your meetings or talk about your summers. That’s something to expect from a friend.

I think it’s important to remember that they act in a professional capacity. They might love their job and might do extras like taking you to a cafe or doing chit chat but it’s a job. Like when I am thanking dental hygienist for cleaning my teeth so well. She’s not thanking me back for allowing her to dig in my mouth. I am a patient. She’s not.

Same here. This isn’t a relationship where you both equally contribute.

I think it’s understandable she is engaged on topics of job and training. It’s likely her ultimate job description to get you a job. Other stuff is a nice addition and it seems that she cares great deal about your comfort or she’d only meet in the office.

Having said that, if you are uncomfortable with her talking about her own life, maybe you need to let her know that

Thanks for your comment!

What´s also important in this is that my case manager acts like we were acquaintances or colleagues as she shares things about her children, about her job and previous jobs, about her childhood - not major things but still. She doesn´t keep to her role as a case manager and sometimes nothing much has happened in my errand and then we talk almost only about everyday things, news, her previous jobs and similar.

Then it´s difficult to know when to expect support from her and when I should not. To ask about summer and what I´m going to do is something I expect from a person I share things with during our work. Also, as my health situation and my everyday life affects my ability to work, it´s inevitable to not mention more vulnerable things. Of course I then expect her to meet up on that and to give me proper support.

Thanks for your comment!

I don´t expect her to be a friend but she doesn´t keep to her role either as she shares about her children, minor things about her childhood, stories from previous jobs and similar.

Meeting out of office is a thing several case managers at this place do as there are several clients that need the "walk and talk" method instead of just staying inside in a meeting room. As she has bought me coffee at a café and also herself suggested we could meet at a café instead of taking a walk I don´t see it as odd when I react to her not asking me about summer. It´s not an especially personal question either, you could ask that to your neighbor or some staff yout meet from time to time at a grocery store.

I´m not uncomfortable with her talking about her own life but then I expect her to meet me in what I tell her. The difference is though that I´m in a more problematic situation with health problems and similar and she isn´t. But then it means that I can only talk about the "fun" part of my life as she shares more of fun anecdotes, she doesn´t talk about problems in her life.

But this altogether makes it more or less impossible to draw a boundary, I can´t know what´s ok to talk about and not. I´m thinking of suggesting to her that we stay out of those "walk and talk" meetings and that we only speak on the phone. That we then only talk about work training, scheduling and similar and when I have a health issue of some kind, I don´t tell her what it´s about, I just then e-mail her and say I can´t talk to her as I´m ill.

The problem with that is though that when we find a place for work training, then I need to meet with her and representatives from the workplace. Also, as I need some adjustments to the workplace depending on my health, that becomes a more vulnerable subject and if I turn away from her, then it´s difficult to suddenly meet at such a meeting.

I feel very bad over this as our phone call today ended badly and in a rather cold and distant matter but I can´t pretend to her that I´m not bothered by how she acts.

She maybe didn’t want to ask you about your summer plans in case you aren’t comfortable answering. If you want to share, you could.

It’s ok for people to do casual chitchat. It would be inappropriate for her to share her problems (except maybe in context). It doesn’t mean you can’t share your problems in regards to job/training. It doesn’t suppose to be reciprocal. When I go to doctors etc I tell them my problems, I don’t expect or want for them to share their aches and pains. It would be kind of insane. I don’t care to know.

The fact that she doesn’t talk about her problems is irrelevant. You are her client, not the other way around.

She probably can’t help with health issues. I’d see a doctor about those. But you can share health issues in relation to job search like you feel anxious and scared of work with people or something (just an example).

Thanks.

The point isn´t that I want her to share about her problems, it´s that she doesn´t support me when I do share about my problems or things that bother me like the contact with her colleague.

This has happened several times; when we stick to rather mundane subjects it works fine but when something happens in my life or together with some of her colleagues I´ve also seen, then she mostly changes subjects or just make comments like "we´ll se what happens" and similar. That isn´t supportive and that´s why I wrote I can´t know what´s ok to talk about and not. I can´t avoid certain subjects just to make her comfortable when talking to me.

The problem within this employment program, not just when it concerns me, is that they have gone from seeing people who were "just unemployed" to seeing people who are unemployed with physical and mental health problems. Then those problems inevitably is a larger part of people´s lives and you expect those who work with us to be able to support and talk about those more difficult subjects. By that I don´t mean long sessions or therapy but to be able to discuss things like I described about the meeting with her colleague.

I understand. Could you articulate to her what type of support you need from her? If you aren’t sure what you could and couldn’t share and when and how you could get support, I suggest you ask verbatim. I am very familiar with this type of agency due to my job (yes I know it’s not just unemployment agency). When clients are accepted to a program they are given description of services and a plan. Do you have a description? If not, I’d ask for one.

Now if you are dissatisfied with another worker there, I suggest you talk to a supervisor. There’s someone above them all. Case manager can’t really help you with that and in my vast experience it’s not appropriate for a case manager to discuss her coworker or agree how they did this or that wrong. What’s appropriate is for her is to refer you to a supervisor. If she didn’t, I’d ask who you can talk to.

Thanks.

We´ve had disputes about this before, about how she needs to support me on things. As we´ve had some conversations through e-mail I have pointed out to her how she replies to me and how she avoids certain topics. I´ve pin-pointed that she avoids to reply to me in a more personal way, directly connected to my own situation.

But that never worked, she never admitted to doing that and after that I stopped e-mailing her about more complicated things.

Yes, I do have a description and a monthly plan where we decide what to do next. I agree my case manager can´t help me with my contact with her colleague but I can´t just hide that I´m disappointed and that I feel bad about how the meeting went. The meeting with her colleague is part of our plan so naturally my case manager asks about how it went.

My disappointment with her colleague wasn´t a major thing to report to a supervisor or a reason to see someone else but I see it as a natural part of my contact with my case manager, that she takes part in and supports me on those things. Also, I had already mentioned in an e-mail to my case manager that perhaps we shouldn´t talk about what happened as there could be a lojalty conflict but then, in our phone meeting it was her who suggested it could be good for me to talk about what happened. So she creates those situations herself I think.

You need a new case manager and your meetings should only be taking place in an office or over the phone. No coffee, no walks, no sharing of “problems” other than the reason they are your case manager. You are not their friend, they are not your friend.

Somehow the professional line has been blurred with your current case manager, so the whole working relationship is ruined. Start over and get one that is a professional.

I think it’s contradictory. On one hand you don’t like that she acts in a more casual manner than normal case worker. On the other hand you were the one asking her to meet you outside of office due to your anxiety.

Perhaps molinit is right that even though you wanted to meet elsewhere and have coffees in parks and cafes, case manager should not have agreed to it.

I understand that you want her to respond to you in a more personal manner. But she already does way more than is required or appropriate. Being even more personal could cause her her job.

I understand you want her to be even more personal. What you want of her isn’t happening. Isn’t going to happen. Things don’t always happen the way we wish.

Maybe follow Molinit suggestion of changing case manager. If you are anxious about meeting in the office, maybe online virtual meetings are appropriate.

PS I am not sure what you mean by her “creating situations”. It’s ok for you to share that you didn’t like meeting someone. And it’s ok for a case manager to ask you questions (maybe she wants you to practice self advocacy). The issue is that you wanted her to agree with you and respond in a certain way. But it’s not going to happen.
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I'm not sure how it works in Sweden but here in the U.S., specifically Michigan, the term "caseworker" is extremely subjective. I did that job for 10 years and it was quite the experience.

It sounds like your caseworker is more on the "social" side of things versus the programmatic side of things. I worked with those on food assistance, cash assistance, Medicaid, and child day care. Whatever the case, recipients of any type of assistance can be EXTREMELY demanding and it places a LOT of stress on the worker. In no way am I saying you're being unreasonable but you do have to take into consideration a caseworker's load.

I had to manage 400 cases. That's right, 400. All day long my phone would ring off the hook because somebody's power or water got shut off, their benefits didn't appear on their card, they quit their job, got a new job, had a child, moved to another county/state, etc. etc. etc. Our system was designed for failure and there is no way anyone could keep up. I would work 12-hour days (and get paid for eight) just to keep up and even then it was nearly impossible.

If your worker took the time to go on walks with you and show some compassion (at least that's how I read it), consider yourself blessed. Casework is a thankless job. As a caseworker, you seldom hear any praise whatsoever but the second their benefits don't appear on their card or their power gets shut off, you get an earful for some crisis you didn't even create and you'll NEVER be accused of getting things done too quickly.

Just please remember, your caseworker is doing the best she can and she is not there to make a lot of money. Trust me. I wish you the best in all your endeavors but if you want to make your caseworker's day, call her and let her know you appreciate all she does for you and others. You have no idea how much she would appreciate that.

Peace.

What a great response.
So very true

"Support" is a really fuzzy word that has become extremely popular. I say "fuzzy," because the meaning of that word is very hard to pin down. That's exactly why it has become so popular.

If I say Bill lied to me, that is a testable statement. It means Bill told me something that was untrue. If I want another person to agree with me, then I point out how what Bill said did not correspond to the facts. If I can show that, then most people will be able to see that Bill lied, or was misinformed himself. Either he deliberately lied, or he relied upon information that he should not have relied upon. However, if I say that Bill "failed to support me," that could mean a million different things. It's not really testable. Bill left me feeling "unsupported," and no one can really argue with that. How I feel is how I feel. However, if I feel unsupported, does that prove that Bill was neglectful of me? No, it most certainly doesn't. Maybe he was, and maybe he wasn't. No one has the right to condemn Bill because I say he didn't make me feel the way I wanted to feel. Bill is not in control of how I feel. (Nor am I, for that matter. Feelings simply are what they are.)

We see commercials on TV for nutritional supplements that the manufacturers claim "support" this and "support" that. They will say this pill supports brain health and this other product supports heart health. At the bottom of the screen, in tiny letters, is a statement that "the FDA has not tested this product." I like to take supplements that will be good for my brain or heart, so I Google the product. Usually, I find articles saying that there is no evidence that the product does anyone any good. Now, it is illegal to make false claims for a product. So how do these manufacturers get away with saying their products "support" good health? They get away with it because the word "support" has no precise meaning that anyone can pin down. If I say that eating crushed, dehydrated dandelion leaves "supports" kidney function, no one can prove I'm wrong. My point is that "support" is what I would call a sneaky word. It really has no meaning, other than what I want it to mean. No one can really pin me down on what it should mean. Support is a word that gets thrown around very loosely because it's practically impossible to argue with anyone's use of the term.

I don't doubt for one minute that you have felt "unsupported" by your case manager. You know how you have felt. However, I think you are making an error in logic. You seem to believe that, if you feel unsupported, it means you were not given support. That may be true, but it is not necessarily true. You kind of know that yourself because you are intelligent, so you offer up examples to bolster your claim. I'm afraid your examples sound like you're grasping at straws.

What I totally believe is that you have a huge, unmet need. You sound isolated, lonely and hungry for the warmth of satisfying human connectedness. My heart goes out to you because I know, first hand, how awful that can feel. That is a legitimate need. Until you can get that need met, you are going to suffer terribly. I think you've been trying to extract out of your case manager more than she can ever provide to meet your need. I don't blame you for wanting more of what you need and are not getting enough of. But I think you are trying to get it from a source that will never deliver it. That will keep you perpetually disappointed and eternally frustrated. I will say one more thing: You are not alone in this predicament. Among consumers of psych services, this is an extremely common circumstance. We get paired up with a professional. That relationship becomes one of the very few that we have, so we focus on it very intently. Inevitably, it disappoints. You will never be as important to this woman, as she is to you. That's not her fault, nor your fault, nor the fault of anyone else. It's a simple reality. Reality will never adjust to us. We must adjust to it. That can be awfully hard. We have no guarantee of success. When the reality is that we are living without what we need emotionally, then failure to adjust happens very easily. I completely empathize with how painful that is.