Don't think I can trust anyone moving forward(SA TW)

I took a train to San Francisco this summer. I got sexually harassed, the second time in two years, which is impressive since I don't put myself in social situations with strangers very often.

It changed something in me. I'm a 26 year old woman who wants a husband and family someday. All my friends are married with children. I am single and live in Mom's basement because COL is insane here.

Before, I looked at men I found attractive in public as potential partners. Now? All I see are potential threats. Everyone who looks like the guy on the train triggers the hell out of me. He was old enough to be my dad. I told him not to. He did it anyway. Men my age just look like flight risks or ways I'll be used for sex. Older men remind me of train guy.

I want a relationship. I'm so incredibly touch starved and needing that connection. But I look at men and see danger.

On a different note, even if I did find a guy, I can't trust they wouldn't cheat on me which is a massive trigger. Like, it might make me commit the big sleep. Which means I'm not ready for a relationship ...right? But then what have I been doing all this work in therapy for, the last 10 years?

Both my parents cheated on each other and put me in the middle of it. I wish they'd just gotten divorced. I was 8 the first time I thought to myself, this isn't what love is. They need to separate. I knew I shouldn't model my love life after them. But then I was in another conundrum: who do I model my relationships after?

I don't think the love I want exists. I maladaptive daydream bad, imagining a relationship. The guy in my head won't hurt me. Im worried it'll be this way forever. I don't want it to be. I have absolutely no idea how to trust someone not to hurt me.

Please don't tell me life isn't about relationships, or I need to love myself first (I do, it's a complicated love, but it's love), or that some people end up alone and that's okay. I don't want to be alone. I want a partner. My therapist says that's reasonable and not the crime I once thought it was.

Peace and love, thanks for reading, hope someone can relate.

Sorry to hear that. I can relate to what you wrote to well. What happened?

If you’d rather not talk about things here,, then that’s OK. Carry pepper spray with you & practice using it. You need to hold your breath before spraying it.

I too can relate. Just wanted to send hugs and although I can’t think of anything that may help, I feel very similarly. You’re not alone.

Trigger warning depiction of harassment

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Before the actual act of harassment, he repeatedly got in my space - I was in the window seat, he would get his entire torso in my seat to point at the window, his face literally 4 inches from mine, and just stay there and talk to me. That was just one of many red flags. He would not stop talking to me, repeatedly telling me about his domestic violence charges, how he wants to hurt his ex wife for taking the kids, how he's going to ruin her life, how he's gone to prison for hurting people, how he's very close to snapping again which is why he was on a train to go be in the woods and "ground himself". I fawn response'd, tried to keep him happy. That night he told me he found me very attractive and I said I don't want anything. He says oh, I'm too old for that. Later as I'm trying to sleep he started rubbing my butt, getting very close to me, and I could feel his other hand shuffling, which I do not want to know what he was doing. I slapped his hand away and THANKFULLY that was the end of it.

It could have been much, much worse. I'm a tough girl, I'm surprised what he did has triggered me so bad. It seems minor to me on the scale of what can happen. But it scared the hell out of me.

Thank you, that means a lot. Even though I knew logically other people go through this, it's easy to feel alone in it. I really appreciate the words. It helps.

Omg! I’m so sorry to hear that. Why didn’t you make an excuse to go to the bathroom & them go get security to kick him off the train instead?

Did you freeze up? It sounded like you might’ve done that. How scary! What a creep!

You did good by slapping his hand away. So, did you find somewhere elde to sleep after that?

I couldn’t sleep at all if I was by some sexual predator. It wasn’t your fault. I was just wondering why you didn’t just get security to kick him out. It sounds like you froze up or you didn’t think he’d go as far as he did.

100% froze up and did not want to cause a scene or upset him.

That’s what I thought. Sorry to hear that.

You can still report this, they may have cctv footage of him that’s identifiable. You were the victim of a horrible crime.

Thats true. Great advice.

There's no reason to trust anyone, unless you've gotten to know them well and have found them to be trust-worthy. If you wait until you trust someone to go on a date, you'll never go on a date. The purpose of spending time with potential partners is to find out if they are trustworthy. Dating is like shopping. You don't purchase everything you sample.

It's perfectly fine to look at someone you don't know well as someone who might break your heart. That's reality. On the other hand, you know you're not the only good person in the world. Other good people are out there. So it makes sense to give others a chance to show you who they are. Then base your expectations of others on what you learn about them.

The love you want does exist. To find it, you have to take some risks. No one will come into your life guaranteeing that they'll never hurt you. But getting hurt now and then is not fatal. It's part of life. It's a price we have to pay to participate in life. The way to reduce getting hurt is to not have big expectations of someone you don't really know. You only know someone after you have spent a lot of time observing them with an open mind. People give off a lot of clues as to what they are about.

When someone acts like a creep, they might be doing you a favor. They are showing you who they are. This alerts you to not waste your time on this person.

@TsunamiWaves, I feel you. That was a terrible situation to be in. Hope, you can get past it. Maybe, on the bright side is that you are really attractive and won't be needing for attention.

@Rose76, I completely disagree with you. Dating without basic trust is somewhat stupid and may also be dangerous. I would say that starting with some common interests is a better idea. And taking some time, studying a person first. Good place to find somebody is at work: you spend a lot of time together and you can watch person's reactions, activities etc. If work is a miss, interest groups are good too. Like same hobby, sport, hiking, DnD, whatever - there are so many activities people participate together!
With age this will become more and more difficult and you may end up completely dry and use internet dating services. I hope, by this time you'll have positive relationship experience as well. Or, better, will be long happy married.

I am a guy myself, and still I have to concede that most men are jerks. There are lot's of reasons why this is the case, but nothing to justify being a jerk... I try not to be one myself, and can only hope I try hard enough.

@TsunamiWaves, hope you find true magical love and wonderful safe and comfortable relationship!