[Jessika_Smile]

This is my first post.

I need help, advice, support. Something.

All I'm getting are pressures from biased parties. And felt that coming in here seeing all the support that you give one another, that maybe this would help clear my mind and give me better insight.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder last January. It's been a struggle all my life, and it just seems to be getting worse. I'm on 3 diff meds, talk therapy.

I will try and make this a short simple story, but giving as much accurate detail as possible.

I was in a relationship for 3 years. But really only seen him as a best friend. We had so much in common, had a blast together, but I was never physically attracted to him. His kisses never felt right, his touch never felt right. We had our problems. Almost two years ago we broke up. He instantly got in another relationship, while I stayed single. It bothered me yes, but I was content doing my own thing.

So for a year and a half, I was single. Seeing a few random guys here and there but nothing serious.

Then a few months ago, I had the courage to go up to this guy for a job I was doing and introduce myself. We instantly clicked.
There were things we didn't agree on.
But it was so different because I felt it in his kiss, and the way he held me. The things he said to me. He made me feel really good about myself. We had fun together. It felt really good.

About a month ago something very dramatic happened. He had gotten beyond drunk and did some bad things.
He broke my mom's windshield, broke a lot of things in my apartment, and though he DID NOT hit me, he did grab me and left bruises on my arms.

This was very out of character and was shocking.
Cops were involved.

Things were really rough for him before the incident, the anniversary of his father's death, his grandpa had just passed away, among other life's stresses.

When all this happened, I was unsure of the relationship, but not ready to let go. Knowing the things he went through. And knowing that he wouldn't intentionally do those things to me.
(Through my own mental issues I know what it's like to act out of character and to feel really depressed. - I understood it)

His family and friends says how much in love with me he is. And how different he is with me than any other girl he's been with. I believe it. I'm a good catch.

After the shock set in, he was determined to do whatever he could to make things right.

He fixed the windshield, wrote my mom and brother notes of sincere apology.
Made an appointment to get help himself for his problems.
Filled out job applications.
Listened to the things I didn't like and has changed a lot of it.
I can see that I am important to him and how bad it hurts him when I mention we shouldn't be together.

It feels right when I'm with him.

Though the problem I feel lies with my family/friends.
They give me the dirtiest looks and comments when I say I'm going to go over to his house, or when I'm on the phone with him.
I can't handle it and their condescending eyes. I know it is out of concern and only for my best.
But they won't open their minds to the fact that he's trying to fix this and make this better.
Them acting this way is only making it harder for me.
Mistakes happen, and this is the first mistake he's made with me.
I've been wanting to try and fix this, but my family and friends won't let it happen.
My ex of 3 years is making problems for me as well.. He's been single for about as long as I've been with my bf. My ex has been calling my mom and conspiring to get me back. Trying to step in and say that if I pick this guy, that our friendship is over. I'd hate for that to happen but it's just not fair.

My mind is very overwhelmed, and I'm at a loss.
I'm very unhappy.
This war is killing me, and I'm not sure either party is fully aware of how it's affecting me.

I'm sorry for the drawn out post. I just can't handle this anymore and feel I have no one to talk to.

If you need to know anything else about this to help better, let me know.
If you want to say something that you think may not make me happy, say it. I just want an unbiased party's thoughts.
Thanks in advance.
<3 Jessika

[sabby]

Hi Jessika and Welcome to PsychCentral!

There are a couple of points I would like to make regarding your post.

Whenever someone mentions that their mate became way drunk or messed up on drugs and then became violent in any way shape or form certainly sends up huge red flags. I completely understand where your friends and family are concerned for you and your safety. It matters not that he didn't hit you hon, but he grabbed you so hard he left bruises....that is NOT acceptable...never, ever, ever, ever hon. Being wasted does NOT excuse him from this behavior. He choose to drink...he choose to lash out. No excuses. I'm talking from experience....being married for too long to an abusive alcoholic myself....been there done that.

Now, you say he has done everything he can to get help for himself to change. I think that is wonderful. But, that said, the proof is in the pudding. How long has he been receiving help? Is he going to therapy, or AA and if so, does he go to AA every single day? Does he make it to all his therapy appts? If he hasn't started any therapy yet, does he have an appt? Has he stopped drinking on his own? These are the kinds of things you must watch for to find out if he is sincere in helping himself.

A way for us to know how a person really is in life is to watch how they handle the difficulties of life. Of course it's rough to loose loved ones and it can be depressing no doubt. But how an individual handles the situation tells you a lot about who they are.

What I'm trying to say is this....be aware! Don't make excuses for him or his behavior. He is responsible for his actions and his words. Do not become an enabler. First and foremost, take care of your safety!

As far as your ex goes, it sounds like he is trying to bully you into leaving this guy. He may be doing it with the best of intentions (or he may not). But I don't see that as a way to endear himself with you.

If indeed your boyfriend is trying to change his ways, time will be the defining factor. Hopefully he is serious about making some positive changes in his behaviors and your family and friends will see those changes as they come along.

I wish you both well!


sabby

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Jessika_Smile

Though the problem I feel lies with my family/friends.

You cannot change them. They may change themselves over time if you work things out with him. They may not. I think you may have to accept that possibility, and try to go with what seems best for you.

[Doh2007]

I'm also sorry that you're having a difficult time. I just wanted to add that feeling good when someone touches or kisses you is sometimes called "chemistry." It's nice, but don't think it's the most important thing.

Stable men don't get abusive when they drink or are under stress. Abusive men are good at getting sympathy.