[StarPonysMama]

If you read my last post in this forum (which was actually my first post ever) you'll understand what I am about to vent on.

Ok - for the record, I'm talking about the same ex who has the alcohol problem and here's the update on that:

He's joined AA and has been sober for 30 days. He is also seeing a therapist for his anger/abuse problems. He seems to be doing well. We do see each other some but I refuse to let him move back in or get TOO close. He needs time to grow for himself and I am content to let him have that time. I'm very happy with my life the way it is and very at peace. That tells me - I'm doing the right thing. And, he opened the doors on his business 2 days ago. I believe he is trying. Time will tell if it's for real.

Now, here's the interesting part. He has a website for his business that I maintain. I went into change something and I checked some of the email. I was cleaning out the archives and came across old emails from his ex (the mother of his children). After the breakup and his violence toward me I had contacted her to get her side of the story (she was with him for 10 years and I figured she would know him pretty well). She basically made him out to be this horrible person and said he was definitely aggressive, yadda, yadda. Basically kinda took my side.

As I read these emails out of SHEER curiosity. I look at the dates. These are all dated the same time her and I were talking. Some of her emails were pretty derogatory about me. For instance one said, "If you were violent I would know, don't let her play head games with you so you can go back to her and she can control you like a puppet.". What is funny is I never asked Mark for anything or tried to control him. I am a very freedom loving person. If I wanted to control him I'd move him right back in with me, let crap go back to the way it was, and have my way. I want none of that. Not for my future or his.

There would be alot of times that those two (my ex and his ex) would get into arguments and the next thing he would want to do is pick up a beer. They used to get into screaming matches. And finally I just told him - "don't let her get to you". That's what she wanted. I mean HORRIBLE screaming over the phone matches that I found very childish.

Are there really people out there like that? That want to hang over someone like that. When I finally started to talk to Mark again he admitted to me that it was unfair that he had not totally let her out of his life while he and I were in a relationship and vowed to keep her out of his business and life in general of course with the exception of caring for his children.

I don't know. I mean Mark could have forwarded all those emails to me. But he didn't. I saw them all on my own. And by the way, I told him I read them because I didn't want to seem like I was being sneaky, I was just imminently curious. And he just said o.k., that's fine and didn't harp on how bad of a person she was. He just said, "Well, that's why I try not to talk to her at all anymore unless it has to do with the kids."

How do you deal with someone like that? I'm content to let her be but, my bejezus! What an eye opener!

[altonwoodsdrphil]

hey! you seem surprised that his ex is (imo) still holding a candle for him and that she would be as, well... devious as she's being in order to get him back. I'm not...I'm also waiting for him to start playing her against you and vice versa...(probably already happening) He's going thru the motions and doing all of the right things...but it's the "why" he's doing it that only he knows! right now it seems hopeful that he is being sincere, maintain the distance,ignore what he says, watch what he does...it's also important to understand that in some ways you are'nt objective as far as he's concerned, you have feelings! watch for those to make excuses for him. you seem to be doing SO well with your own stuff, I'm concerned he'll somehow be a negative for you.

[StarPonysMama]

Point totally taken. I have been more than guilty of my emotions clouding the truth when it comes to him.

Funny that you got the whole "she wants him back thing" from that. I felt that way all along (the year we were together). Glad to see that someone else sees that. WOW

I went through him playing her and I against each other. Been there. Done that. I hope he's being sincere too. That's why I let it roll of my shoulder. Whatever. If they want to feed off of each other - that's their thing. I'm not going to let it affect my happiness! And if something like that is going to continue and he's not being sincere - I'm completely content to walk away and let the sharks stay in their own......after all, I have been wanting to take guitar or piano lessons!

I don't mean to be cruel but, I leave no door closed. I am open to all possibilities and opportunities for change. I refuse to put all my eggs in one basket again!

thanks altonwoodsdrphil!

[Doh2007]

We always get into trouble when we hear things people don't intend us to hear. I suspect we're all a bit like that. A lot of people have learned to make themselves feel better by putting other people down.

[StarPonysMama]

Doh 2007 - How right you are! I have a saying I love to use - "Whatever helps you sleep at night." By the way - bought the book you suggested. Read it cover to cover. Very insightful thank you.

[Perna]

It's hard to know about other people's relationship, even when we know one of the people.

My husband's ex-wife and I are friends. We constantly go to each other's houses and are both at all the family parties, etc.

This woman though is jealous of me; thinks I have the life she "should" have had. She doesn't understand that she's a different person than I am and what her ex- and I have in common works because it is the two of us not the two of them.

If she calls and my husband isn't home or can't come to the phone (we've been married 19 years this year, almost as long as they were), she and I will "talk" (she talks I get to listen) and these conversations can last an hour or more. Once when she called and my husband wasn't home yet, she started talking about him and their early years of marriage and might have well have been talking about a stranger. She was accusing him of all sorts of things from child abuse to I don't know what.

When we got married, there were a couple of situations where my husband didn't seem to act in character to me and a little digging got to where she had nagged him and chipped a little common sense out of him. It wasn't hard, but took me awhile and some patience to get him not to act like he was going to get in trouble for being himself.

My point is, I don't know what went on in their marriage, I can only deduce things from what's been said and what I see now. I wouldn't put too much stock in your boyfriend's ex- comments; they're ignorant of both you and your relationship with the boyfriend. Maybe she thinks your mother wears combat boots too? :-)

[BalishBun]

YES YES THERE ARE PEOPLE LIKE THAT!! Here me out, my X can get into screaming matches with his x (who he has 2 children with) and they act like little kids hanging up on eachother then calling eachother back and hanging up and some more yelling ! YES someone out there who knows what i am talking about.