[HurtAndConfused]

My 'husband' and i live common law. I was 9 months pregnant with our daughter when his mothers dog bit my son (from previous relationship) in the face (Sept 2007). He received about 40 stitches under his left eye - his lower eyelid had been completely ripped open. I was absolutely devestated about my sons injuries. We were in the hospital 4 days, and I have to leave my job early to care for my son. His mother never apologized to me for the incident, and since my son was only walking past the dog, and the bite was completely unprovoked I truly believe she should have put the dog down. So did the animal control and police in our town - they went to her home and requested her to do so, warning her that she would be brought to court if she did not do so willingly. She refused to put the dog down.

My husband has refused to talk to me about this. A week after the dog bite, we were both visiting our parents and in a phone call he threatened to leave me if I didnt ask the cops to stop hounding his mother. He told me that he wanted to leave me, and was angry that I didn't want his dog (not the one who bit) live in our home because I was scared for our new baby. We managed to continue on until now somehow - but I just cant take it anymore. I have continually tried to talk to him about my feelings about what happened to my son, as well as how his mother handled the situation. He has done nothing to make it any better, and even complained that I wanted him to stay with our family on Christmas Eve - his mother was having family over - but I will not go to the house with the dog there, and I feel uncomfortable just being around her since she doesnt feel she needs to apologize for what her dog did. I have seen her only twice since them, and both times I tried to be as civil as possible out of respect for my husband - but I also tried to avoid contact with her as much as possible.

Last month, the trial for my mother in laws dog was brought to court - the prosecutor decided to simply ask for a muzzle order for the dog instead. I was devestated. When I turned to my husband for emotional support for this, he just shut me out. Again that weekend I went to my moms - and in a phone call he told me he had been for dinner at his mothers - with the dog there, a day after the hard news for me. I told him I was upset that he would go there and see the dog, not even asking her to at least put it outside. He hung up on me.

I have been trying for the last week or so to get him to understand how badly I have been hurt by his mother and but his lack of support (I feel that he should have stood up to her and made her do what is right - and he feels he cannot persecute her for making one bad decision because he has seen her do so much good for others). I feel extremely slighted by this - like he would much rather me suffer - even though my son and I are the victims here - than tell her mother something she will not like: to apologize to us and get rid of the biting dog (which he has now admitted to me has behavioural problems).

At this point - I feel like I cannot try to make him understand anymore - he truly believes that he has been supportive enough of me because he asked once or twice what was going on with the courts and has told me that I need to just get over this and if I cant I need professional help.

I feel sick about the way he is acting, and I feel like I want to leave him. Am I overreacting? Sorry for the LONG post...

[curley]

This is a very strange situation. One question I have is were you sitting right there when your son was bit. Do you know for a fact that your son did not provoke, scare or hurt the dog in anyway. Asking that question has no reflection on my feelings regarding the mother in law. It sounds as though your son was bitten severely so it is difficult to understand why there was no sympathy shown toward your son. Even if there was no apology, why were you the only one concerned about your son. Personally I would not have put the dog down either. That is one reason for my question above. Obviously no one else has reported bites because the judge only called for a muzzle! I am sorry, but I do not understand why you are upset if your husband is at his moms and around the dog? Why should'nt he be around the dog? And even if he agreed with you about his mom, do you expect him to stay away from his mom? And now you are asking that he remove his dog from your home? When an animal is in the home and has always received love and then is ignored because of a new baby they often are jealous. I do not think I would want my dog gone because of an incident with another animal. I am not saying they should lay together, but asking your husband to get rid of his pet is not something I could do. Seriously I am not trying to be mean but are you going to stay away from all dogs because of a bad experience. I would also hate for your son to be paranoid of dogs. Caution of dogs yes but encouraging fear is not a good thing.
Yes I think the mom should show concern even if she did not apologize. But I think it is strange that she did not.apologize. I do not think I would refuse to visit. I think I may ask if they would please keep the dog outside because you are afraid. That should be understandable! Pursuing the legal thing does not seem like a good idea when family is involved because of the hard feelings caused by it. I really hope you do not think I am not feeling your side. And maybe that is why no one else has replied to your post. I do not want you to think I am not sympathetic because I am. But again, this is family and your husbands mother. All men love their moms and I do not think that means he does not love you too! Can you really expect him take sides, even if he agreed with you. That is a difficult place to put him into. I hope this makes sense. And gee this was a long post too! Good luck to you and I am sorry you will probably have to be the one to forget no matter who is right or wrong.

[sunrise]

HurtAndConfused, this is a very tough situation.

I think you should stop going to your husband for support on this issue. He has made it clear he does not see your point of view and is not supportive. So it is no surprise that when you ask him the next time, he is still not supportive. You knew how he felt about the dog and his mother but yet after the trial you again expected support, as if he would do an about face. You are beating your head against a wall everytime you go to him for support and setting yourself up for yet more pain. He is not going to support you on this issue! But still, you do need some support. Can you turn to others for support, such as close friends or a trusted sibling? You need someone to hear you out and validate your concern. A non-judgmental listener can be helpful and healing.

I agree that professional help (a few sessions with a therapist) could be useful to you. You are indeed stuck on this issue and it is so painful. If you choose a family therapist, there is the option later to bring your husband in with you, which could also be helpful. It sounds like there are some divided loyalty issues here. A therapist can help disentangle this mess. I think a big step is getting beyond who's right and who's wrong.

In the meantime, you are doing the right thing to not compromise on safety. You can't force your mother-in-law to get rid of the dog, but stick to your guns about not letting your son and baby go to her house as long as the dog is there. You do not want any more injuries. And I also think it is understandable you don't want your husband's dog in your home with your new baby--what happened with the bite has made you very skittish about having dogs around your children. However, I can see this would lead to resentment from your husband--his dog, which perhaps is very gentle and has never bitten a soul in its life, is being penalized because of your fear. It's a tough call. Could you allow your husband's dog but with some boundaries? Perhaps the dog would be allowed inside the home only when the baby is not there and would stay outside when baby was at home? I would also ask you to look deep inside yourself and see if your forbidding your husband's non-biter dog in your house is because of safety fears or because you are mad at your husband for his lack of support regarding his mom's dog.

Good luck.

Even if the attack happened because your son was annoying the dog I feel the dog should be put down ! It has bitten a child for pitys sake and could do so again.....

Your husband should be siding with you over the dog issue I believe and not with his mother who should feel devastated that her dog has hurt a child, she is not worth the time of day as far as I am concerned.

As for him siding with her I feel this is somthing that will happen more and more over the years and yes I can understand you wanting to have his dog removed but you have to give a little somwhere and maybe trying to get to know the dog a little will show him that you are understanding to his needs and maybe he should try the same.

[selfy]

how can your husband see the marks mae from what sounded quite a severe dog bite on his own child annd yet still support his mom. thats like saying, i dont care than my sons been wounded. my mom likes the dog. screw the damn dog! you hear all the time about small children who have been mauled to death by them! id be mightily pissed and i can understand why u are so frustrated. i gotta say i woulda been ruder. i admire you for being civil to his mother.
hope your son is ok now
*hugs*

[CJR520]

I am Grandma of of soon to be seven and Great Grandma of one at 58 years old. We have always had dogs, and still have two. If either of my dogs ever attacks and bites one of those kids, me, my husband, or anyone else on the planet, they will be put to sleep. Doesn't this woman realize the fear that child now has of this dog. To choose a dog over a grandchild, or any child is sick, to say the least. I love my dogs, but I love my babies so much more. We have had ten different dogs of different breeds throughout the years, and not one ever offered to bite. Sorry, everyone else, the kids come first in my eyes!!

[HurtAndConfused]

Thank you everyone for your replies....

As for the dog bite, I was there when it happened - I know he didnt do anything to the dog.

As for my husbands dog - I do feel bad that I can't have her in the home, altough she hasnt bit, there is reason for concern with her. She is extremely exictable and thinks children are toys. It was a struggle for me to keep her off my son - although she was playing with him - I never liked to have dogs jumping on my children. Even before the bite, I was afraid to leave my son alone with my husband and the dog because he pretty much just lets the dog do whatever it wants - including jumping on the children.... my son has received many scratches all of his body from her, and didn't like her jumping on him. Everytime she jumped on him, he would tell her to stop and cry. And whatever she wants also includes sleeping in our bed (which I told him I did not like - especially when I was pregnant and she would squeeze up between us and live in the middle), chewing up whatever she feels like in the house, and peeing and pooping all over our house, including my sons room. who had to clean up all this mess? me. He would just leave it there. On top of this, he never fed the dog either.... I was the only one making sure she had food and water in her bowl. I asked him to take her for professional training, for the lack of discipline and he just ignored me. I truly feel that there are behaviour issue with his dog that he refuses to address - simple tells me don't worry she wont bite.

I am not trying to punish him for his lack of support - with all these issues with her and with him refusing to moderate her behaviour around children, and refusal to get her trained properly I have a real fear that one of my chidren will end up getting hurt by her......

[KathyM]

It sounds like you're asking your husband to choose between you and his mother - and kick out his dog. In the long run, that never works out. He cares about all three of you, and you'll never be able to fill the shoes of his mother or dog.

I don't see the harm in having his mother's dog muzzled when you visit her. As for your husband's dog, maybe you can take the dog to obedience training yourself. You and the dog might gain a deeper appreciation for each other. You already have something in common - you BOTH like sleeping with your husband, lol.

I may be a little biased. I happen to be a dog person married to another dog person. I have a 140-lb dog that also likes to sleep with us, and we enjoy having her in bed with us. She's my dog, but she serves a GREAT purpose to my husband. She greets him every day with unconditional love, never complains about her day, and she always listens to what he has to say. He has a very stressful job and life - he needs that perk to keep him going. I try my best to provide him with the same, but my dog has me beat by a long shot, lol.

Well I happen to be a child person and feel that if a dog bites a child it should be put down even more so when the wound is over forty stitches ! What are your thoughts on how much damage a dog should do before it is put down ?

I too have a large dog a husky and if she bites she will be put down so far we have been fine with her and the children but I never trust a dog with a child ever.

[selfy]

im sory but. its the dog or the child. if i had kids i ould personally kill anything that tried to hurt them. and i am not kidding. 40 stitches is ALOT. my mother had less when she had her hystorectomy! and thats major surgery! im sorry but if something hurts a child to that extent, it is dangerous and should be dealt with. i mean. the poor kid must be scared dont you think? hairy animal launches vicious attack for no reason? i mean cmon people theyre not humans they cant say they will never do it again. for all you know, he could kill the next kid he attacks.and that is NOT acceptable. NEVER! not if there was warnig signs like that. your hubby has chosen sdog over son. not mother over you. his mom has some serious work to do if she doesnt put the dog down. cmon. he could have killed the kid. it happens. thats rediculous. thats like saying its ok for someone to hit someone without reprimand.

[AAAAA]

HurtandConfused,

Welcome to PC! This thread hits home. My daughter, now 18, was severely mauled by a dog in my in-laws yard when she was six years old. She had well over a hundred stitches to her face and head. The dog actually gouged her skull. The dog did not belong to my in-laws. My husband, father in law, brother in law and their next door neighbor were all first responders and worked for fire and rescue, but her injuries were so severe that they actually waited for the professional ambulance to come from a town 30 miles over to transport her to the first hospital to stabilize her then off to the second for surgery. As I said none of this was their fault but they were all right there for this tragic experience.

Fast forward 3 years later; Christmas dinner. My sister-in-law had brought her very old, blind decrepit black lab home for the holidays. My brother in law was over with his four small children. The youngest, 3, walked by the dog laying in the corner in the living room and the dog caught him right in the corner of the eye and ripped his face half way down to his chin. The kids and I walked into the house right after the dog bit my nephew. It may have been our arrival that prompted the attack as the older kids were excited by our arrival with a fresh load of presents. My husband had not arrived.

My first question of course was “what are you going to do with the dog?” I got a list of excuses a mile long, the dog is old and actually belongs to her roommate etc. It was a difficult conversation because I happen to adore this sister in law. I warned her that when my husband shows up, there isn’t an excuse in the world that will prevent him from bringing the dog out in the back woods and putting him down. Her roommate was quite disgusted and left (they live in lower Michigan, so the trip home was about 8 hours). Sure enough, my husband comes a few hours later, sees the baby with stitches in his face. He walked over to the gun cabinet and grabbed a gun and shells and asked where the hell the dog was.

Here’s the rub, hubby’s parents were sticking up for the dog, it was old, maybe the baby stepped on his paw or some such nonsense. I just couldn’t believe it! Our lawyer wanted us to sue their insurance company when our daughter was attacked because she was attacked on their property and the woman that actually owned the dog had no property in her name. And here was another animal attack on their property!

I may be unpopular now, but it is and has been my belief children need to learn how to handle pets, but I don’t care WHAT the child does, an animal should not bite. Period! Growing up we had every breed of dog imaginable and married we’ve had Rotts, mutts, Boston’s, yorkies, poodles and none of them have ever even snapped. Had they, we would have put them down.

On a different note, I don’t know how long you and you’re husband have been together. But my husband and I had these arguments for the first several years that we were married. It actually took his parents blowing off our kids for a number of years before he opened his eyes. I certainly don’t think you’re over reacting, but then again, I was where you are now.

I would lay it out in no uncertain terms. I would recommend marriage counseling. Both of you can lay it all out on the line and a third party can sort it out. Good luck and I hope that your child is healing well. My daughter still has pain in the winter where they sewed her ear back together. I’m sorry for the long post as well.

[Doh2007]

You're in a losing situation. Get into marriage counseling if you can.

[CJR520]

Dogs are taught to act the way they do by their owners. They are pack animals, and need a leader to tell them kindly what is wrong and what is right. If dogs can be taught to be guide animals, answer phones and doors, etc. they can be taught how to behave. A dog that is pooping and peeing all over the house, and taking over the bed is the leader of the pack; the boss of his domain! My sister and her husband had an Alaskan Malamute that he had before they married. When people came to their apartment on the army post to do work to the outside of the building, this dog would jump on the windows and doors to try to get to those people who were on "his" territory. When their first baby came, they realized they could not let the dog in the same room with the baby. He was jealous and would of killed the child. The dog was given to a construction worker who had become attacked to him before and did fine because that fellow was the leader. I believe that some dogs are much more strong minded, and bred to do certain things, and you have to know how to deal with them. I would never allow these dogs in my home, and when you visit, the rule would be a muzzle on the dog, and the dog penned up in a separate room or garage, period, or they don't see the child. If they chose the dog, it is their loss.

[AAAAA]

I definately believe that the actions of a dog are the responsibility of the owners. No matter how much we love our pets, aggression cannot be tolerated. I watch the dog whisperer sometimes, I really agree with the way he does things. If the pack leader steps on another member of the pack, he/she does not appologize nor does the other animal think to respond aggressively.

But we've gone a bit off topic, I'm very curious as to how the sitation is going.

[seeker1950]

Hi, Hurt and confused, and welcome to PC. WOW, what a subject and controversial thread. It has elicited responses and opinions all over the scale, hasn't it!
I have to say, honestly, that I don't feel real positive about your relationship with this man. This is because I was married for 20 years to a man who always put his mother before me. He was oblivious to the way she and his family treated me. As a young wife, I SO wanted to be welcomed as part of his family, but I never was, and so finally a light bulb came on, about two thirds way thru the marriage, and I realized, HEY, I don't have to go there and be around them! So, I ask you, is it crucial to your relationship with this man that you maintain contact with the mother?

I have other questions. No one here has asked, what kind of dogs these are? ....the one that bit your son, as well as the one you are living with? I'm interested to know, because certain breeds elicit more fear and apprehension than others. I know this as a longterm dog owner, dog rescuer.

As for the dog biting your son, this is terrible! I'm a grandmother of 5 year old twins. They were afraid of a dog I had adopted and took to visit them. She was just a big goofy pup...golden retriever, but they were really afraid of her because of her desire to play and jump on them, so I had to restrain her while they were in her presence. I really empathized with the twins' fear of the dog. I did find a wonderful home for her shortly thereafter. Any conscientious parent or grandparent, in my own opinion (though others here disagree, obviously), should put the welfare of children above any dog. If I had a dog that bit either of my grandsons, I would have it put down.

As for the dog you're living with, I don't think it's your responsibility to train the dog. It's HIS dog! Nor is it your responsibilty to take it to obedience classes! Your "husband" is ignoring your wishes not to sleep with the animal, and the dog is really behaving as the "alpha" animal in the household. The man with whom you are living is putting the animals and his mother before you...far before you and your feelings, I regret to say. It's not your job to clean up the poop!

Are you in such a situation that you cannot move elsewhere, taking better care of yourself and your children? Are you financially dependent on this man who has ignored your feelings? Are you still "in love" with him to the point that you can't make such a decision?

I say move to a safe and calm place and take care of yourself!

Love,
Patty