[kayannarose]

I am trying to see things from my hubby's point of view. He says that I'm the problem. He says that I'm afraid to let anyone near me, especially him. And that I'm afraid of being loved. Well, I just see his "love" as false, a little too late.

Yesterday, he announced he's decided to take me to the beach for a weekend getaway next week. His mother, who has some very real depression and emotional issues, and is addicted to prescription drugs, is staying with us. The woman is already crying because I have to go to work everyday, and my husband works nights, and so she is alone. My husband's brother and sis-in-law live two doors down from us, but stay very much away from us since we started having troubles (they are mad at me), and will not let "Nana" in the house because she spills things and is so emotinally needy.

Okay, so my husband decideds he wants to leave my two kids, ages 12 and 3, with this woman for a weekend, and that if there is a problem, his brother and his wife will help out without being asked.

He got mad at me when I said I didn't want to go!! I don't want a thing from these people! I dispise all of them and, since Nana came to visit, have been daydreaming about being the guy on "Castaway." I blame her and all her baggage for the reason my husband is like he is, and and the bro and his wife are, well, rude and obnoxious on a good day! If I had a friend or a nearby family memeber who could watch the kids, I'd be all for this trip! But, I can foresee so many problems with leaving the kids and Nana while we go away overnight!

So, opinons? Am I wrong? Am I being mean? Hubby says I just don't want to try anymore. I love the ocean, I'd go to the beach with Saddam Hussain, much less have a romantic weekend with my husband. But, I just think there would be too much stress and fallout from leaving the kids.

Thanks, you'all for listening. I'm so glad I found this forum. Until Nana goes home the end of May, we can't go to counselling. (If you go out of the house, she has to go, too! Unless it's work, and then she cries cause you're leaving her)

Love and Blessings
Kayanna

[jennie]

i think it would be good for you to go, if you could get a sitter to be there for Nana and the kids.

why do you see your hubby's love as false?

[Frances]

Hi Kayannarose,
from what I'm reading your man has failed to use a process of consultation "announced he's decided to take me". The weekend away or any other activity involving more than himself, need not be the source of disagreement if he offers it for discussion. You are then free to put your thoughts as concerns to be dealt with rather than him seeing you as the wet blanket who declined a romantic weekend. Approach can be everything. In your response it is important too, perhaps you can express to him you would love to go if he can find suitable babysitting for the children and his mother. If you are the primary carer then you are used to estimating a situation and drawing the line in the sand. My 14yrold comes to me with ridiculous requests, I am saying no and she says I knew you wouldn't let me. So why ask? What I am saying is some people refuse to act responsibly because they can use someone else and then complain about that. "See, you always say no to everything". Damned before you start!!! Hubby doesn't seem to have thought out the pros and cons first ...that's your problem Mum!!

Getting away may well be good for both of you so perhaps you could suggest you will arrange for the kids to have sleepovers and HE can negotiate with your inlaws to take Nana for next or any weekend, that will work out for them.

Hubby wont just start being responsible, he will need coaching to gain such skills. After separating my husband called to say he was dropping the kids back because they were not being well behaved. I took them, got my niece to babysit and went round to him for a chat. I drew to his attention that while he has the kids he is responsible for their discipline and he should not make me his fall back as he had in the marriage ...ask Mum etc. His skills have come a long way in the past few years coz he's had to and I am better at not letting him defer to me. I think Penna said people do this to us coz we let them. That is so true. I am responsible for my own circumstance, I let people treat me in ways that I find unacceptable and it is up to me to change it by not being a bunny.

You may find as you grow in personal strength and refuse to be railroaded some people will respond and others won't. A girlfriend had similar issues and her husband got on the train before it left, my husband did not. I rang the bell and rang the bell some more. In the end I had to make a decision about what I wanted and a fourth child was not it. My husband interprets conflict as hostility and avoided it. I am meant to play "happy families". Very difficult to progress.

Kayannarose, for you it comes down to what you want. My girlfriend and I both wanted our marriages to work and we employed similar approaches in trying to communicate with our men, it worked for her and it didn't for me. Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done, my decision affected all of us hugely and I agonised over it and still feel guilty but that is because I feel RESPONSIBLE. And that is how I let him be irresponsible. ROFL. Laugh or cry!!!

You loved him enough to marry him, give it your best shot. Keep in check your own attitude because we develop indifference to protect our own feelings and that puts more distance and doubt such as your interpretation of his love. Ask your therapist for strategies and use them. It's a slow and considerable process either way, after all it got there slowly in the first place, didn't it? Much like putting on weight slowly but wanting a diet to move it all in a month!!! Please yes!!!!

Regards Frances.
Not eating right, sleeping ok and haven't been swimming.

[kayannarose]

We are looking now at renting two hotel rooms, if we can afford it. Since this is the off season, we are hopefull it won't be too expensive.

Hubby has not been affectionate to me unless he wanted something (clean socks, a special dinner, my approval for something, or marital relations) since soon after we were married 10 1/2 years ago. I have been unhappy in the relationship for about 2 years now, and he will make temporary, sugar-coated changes, then go right back to his old, manipulative ways. In February, I told him that I wanted to leave. Since then, he has been too perfect. He follows me to the bathroom, is constantly hugging or kissing me, sending me e-mails at work, ect. If he could ride around in my pocket all day, he'd hapilly would! As soon as he feels secure about me staying, all this will stop. So, i don't put much faith into it. I still daydream about living alone, in my own little house, just me and the kids. And he says that is not normal, and that I am the one with a mental problem!!

[jennie]

have you ever read the book <u>MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS</u>? what you wrote reminds me of that book.

[Frances]

and when you think a little politically incorrect humour is ok try Men are from Detroit Women are from Paris.
p61 women in a bar chatting amongst themselves:
1st woman "I tell him 'I'm not your maid you know' "
2nd woman "How about 'Can I throw these out?' "
Title at bottom of page Women Trading Pick Up Lines

Sorry guys, I usually prefer victimless humour but the edges get blurred here as to who is being victimized!! To put the facts in for balance and parity did you know : more men are abused by women than the other way around and it starts in school. Try Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say for an interesting read. The front section has many useful tips and the back has some very disturbing numbers. Teach your children love by living it in front of them.