[jamminpianogirl]

Hi,

I am currently involved in a serious relationship in which I have become extremely over-dependent. I am currently struggling through a fight with lyme disease, Bipolar II, PTSD, and social anxiety/generalized anxiety. Over the years I have become increasingly socially isolated but have maintained a close friendship with a boy from high school who I am now in a relationship with. That said, he is the one who I turn to when I am struggling, and there is no one else I can comfortably turn to - and I am going through an immense amount of struggle right now. Just having been diagnosed by a psychiatrist for my mental conditions, and being re-diagnosed for lyme disease, I am starting medications but there is little effect yet. My boyfriend has been expressing his distress at feeling trapped in a relationship where he is constantly having to take care of me and unable to get away/spend time with his other friends. He always invites me to come with him, but because of my social anxiety and bipolar I am usually too afraid or struggling with a mood swing and don't want to go. Anyways, we tried to create some more distance in our relationship so he could have more space, and I completely flipped out. I have suffered from suicidal thoughts and self-injury for some time now, but last week I felt more out of control than I ever have before. Spending so much time away from my boyfriend was so overwhelming painful to me that I began to worry that had things continued like that, I might have spontaneously attempted suicide in one of my intense mood swings where I was out of control. Without my boyfriend, I was unable to calm myself. It was terrifying.

He has agreed to support me more until the medication kicks in, and I'm doing alright... but I think last week I realized just how dependent I've become, and how terrifying, dangerous, and downright unhealthy it is to be in that situation. I know I need to wean myself away from this dependence. But how? If anybody has ever had experience with something like this and would like to tell me about it, or if anyone could just offer some advice, that would be great.

[TaintedGoth1]

The best way is to start doing things for yourself...don't try doing too much on your own because that will only overwhelm you. Just take little steps.

I used to be exactly the same way...and ended up having to be out of a relationship for a period of time...on my own. That's actually how I learned some of my independence. No, I'm not fully dependent, but I am somewhat dependent now.

Do you have a safety plan for when you are away from your boyfriend? That would probably be the best thing to develop first. Just basically things to keep you busy like cleaning, playing games online, writing, etc. That's actually how I started out. I started doing things on my own when I was upset. And the more I did these things, the more they worked for me.

Hang in there...you can conquer this!

[Doh2007]

A good therapist could help you with that. Sometimes we have abandonment issues from childhood that surface in relationships. Having other people for support really helps. Coming here to psychcentral helps.

[seeker1950]

You have received some good suggestions here from Tainted and Doh. I too tend to be overly dependent when in a relationship. When my last relationship ended, and the one which brought me here to PC, I rec'd very good advice and honest feedback from many members here.
I decided to go back to school for my M.A. degree, focusing on that instead of wallowing in my own pain and loneliness. It has been 4 years of working on this degree, and I'm about to finish. Don't interpret this to mean I was all of a sudden "well" when I chose to do this...I was not! but having something positive on which to focus was sure better than continuing to obsess on being alone.
I think your boyfriend has been very supportive, but I also see where he is coming from, and you can't expect him to hang around if he feels overly burdened. Sorry if it sounds harsh saying this, but it is better to develop your own identity as an exciting female who is attractive to your mate.
I agree that counseling would be a good idea.
Patty

[agony007]

i am sorry for everything that u are going through. it must be very difficult. i can relate to you with having to deal with physical and psychological ailments. i myself am in your boyfriends role right now. i ask my husband for a divorce and he is now severely depressed and has thoughts of suicide. he has always been dependent on me for his happiness. it is very difficult to be in this position because i do not want to hurt him, but i do want to preserve my sanity. i believe that i am not the cause of his anguish. i believe that he has some other deep rooted issues that have caused him to be dependent on me. i dont mean to imply that this is the case with u. however i will tell you that the more u smother u'r bf the more he is going to want to get away because it is very overwhelming. try to seek help with u'r T. talk to him/her about your feelings. try to do things for yourself. get use to being more independent. realize that your life is precious. that u r special just the way u are. that u do not need anyone else in your life because u can be comfortable in your own shoes and can stand on your own two feet. read the poem phenomenal woman by maya angelou, i really like it, it is very inspiring. good luck to you.