[pachyderm]

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2008/tru...relationships/

"A willingness to be vulnerable is a significant feature of lasting relationships — ones in which partners are allies, not foes."

[Doh2007]

Sounds good doesn't it? There's good stuff there. Thanks for sharing.

[chaotic13]

This was an interesting article. I also follow the link to the Attachment theory source. My question is: If you don't like your attachment style, can you change it? I did the 30-question attachment style quiz and didn't like the result.

[sunrise]

McKell, I've read some on the 4 attachment styles in adults (John Bowlby):
--secure attachment
--anxious-preoccupied attachment
--dismissive-avoidant attachment
--fearful-avoidant attachment.

I recognized immediately that my attachment style was fearful-avoidant and my husband's was dismissive-avoidant. What a recipe for disaster! No wonder we're splitting up. The 4 attachment styles are described in this wiki article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachm...achment_Styles

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
If you don't like your attachment style, can you change it?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I believe maybe yes, you can (said hopefully). I recognize that I have somehow managed to form a secure attachment to my therapist, probably largely through his expert efforts and maybe partly because of my desire to grow and be healthy. This just feels so great to me, like ahhhh, at last, this is how a relationship is supposed to work! So now, because of our relationship, I know I can attach differently and more healthily, and this gives me hope for the future, that maybe now I can do it with friends, family, future romantic partners, etc. I really believe however, that my H could never be anything but the dismissive-avoidant style, perhaps in large part because he has no desire to grow or improve.

[chaotic13]

My H and I are not a good combination either. I just wonder if there is a difference between what WE think we are and what OTHERS think we are. I curious if this is something you can self identify.

[Perna]

I don't know if we can change our attachment style as it is rooted in our infant behavior which has some of our personality we were born with, in there too. But we can change our behavior and I try to do that when I'm feeling anxious or detached and don't like the behavior I'm exhibiting.

Here's a good article on how it all fits, child to adult:

http://www.psych.uiuc.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mckell13 said:
I curious if this is something you can self identify.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It probably depends on the person. For me, the description of my type was just so "right" that there was no mistake. Ditto for my H's.

Perna, I'm going to remain positive in my belief that the therapist can provide a corrective attachment experience and so help one learn a new way of attaching securing and healthily. I think I am attaching better with him so maybe there is hope that we can change!