[mishyb1979]

why is it all they think about is sex, not them all but some, with my tabs and the way i feel (depressed self harm dealing with child abuse issues at the mo) i just cant be bothered, hate being touched. In bed at night hubbys hands start to wonder i tell him to stop and he just turns over in a dam mood why do they do that i really hate it. Its his support i need, i get its me not him. Whats wrong with just a cuddle now and then ?

[Brian37]

read this book:

"His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

chapter 4

the first thing he cant do without - Sexual Fulfillment

[TaintedGoth1]

Personally I think men CAN live without it...they're just selfish and only think about themselves.

I think you've gotta talk to him and tell him you need him to back off with the sex stuff for now...tell him it upsets you too much right now. Just tell him how you feel.

[Dancer_in_the_light]

It's kind of funny, because my sex drive is higher than my husband's. I hardly ever get any. *pout*

Sex is important for a relationship's health, and so is basic touch. It creates a connection between two people. Sit down and have a talk with him. Explain that you need to be touched with out sexual intent sometimes.

[Rhapsody]

Honestly...... I just think it is part of who they are "males" and the "hormone" called testosterone....... it gives them more hair on their bodies, bigger muscles, an anger force and a strong sex drive that seems to go none stop, well at least for a good twenty years - then their sex drive weans off and ours pick up... as our estrogen level is lowered and we are given a different hormone that now controls us..... testosterone.

Now while I gave you the physical reason to why men seem to always like sex and at times more than their female counter part I can still sympathize with how you feel when your husband touches you at times..... as I too was sexually abused as a child for ten years and I was once were you are now in your feelings of being touched.

[AAAAA]

I agree that it's in the genetics. I don't mean that to be offensive in any way. My husband is not selfish in the least, but his hands wander in his sleep, he's not even aware of it. He sees it as great sign of affection and compliment that he "still can't keep his hands off me after all these years." There have been times, when I've had sleep issues that he has woke me up without knowing it and I've been annoyed, but then perhaps he doesn't enjoy my ice cold feet between his legs in the winter either.

[trippinmickey]

Sex is a guys way of cuddling if it was meaning less he would go out and have sex with anyone .Sex is his way of saying he loves you.Its a guy thing may not feel like love to you or is what you need at the time but thats way we are made.Gives woman a lot of power over us. If you use it right work his needs into yours .My self I love to cuddle which is now meaning less to my wife but i get depress alot like so it make me feel safe but much of anything ruins it.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
trippinmickey said:
Sex is his way of saying he loves you.

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Now - if I "a female" had said that - I would have gotten a look a disbelief......... therefore, I am glad you "a male" said it......
I have been trying to explain this concept of men to other females for years now (since I learned about it).

[mishyb1979]

he tells me he loves me everyday, does anything for me, best man alive just them hands i recon im gonna have to chop them off haha.

[trippinmickey]

You need to sit him down and talk to him Im sure you can meet each other half way. Been with my wife along time and there are down times but as long as I know down the road they will be picking up again I can hold off .We all have times when its just the right time even men LOL even though its very rare.

[gordian_knot]

Mishy, there's nothing wrong with a cuddle now and then... but in a marriage there's definitely something wrong with thinking that it's fair for one person to decide to take sex out of the relationship. For some people sexual intimacy is an essential part of a relationship, which is no less valid than things you think are essential.

You said that you need support from him, and it sounds like that's something you consider to be essential in your marriage. Would you be hurt if he decided one day that he didn't want to give you that support anymore? Of course you would. You'd be confused and upset and angry. You'd want to understand what's going on.

That could be how he's feeling right now. I would be if I were in his place. Have you talked together so each of you understands how the other feels? Have you told him exactly why you don't like to be touched and how it makes you feel? Has he told you how he feels when you reject his advances? And are the both of you in agreement about what to do next - is sex off the table permanently? Temporarily? Do you have plan on how to fix it?

[Razzleberry]

Does he understand WHY you don't want it now?

Explain that to him. If he realizes that it's because of your medication and the issues that you are going thru - temporarily - then maybe he'll back off a bit.

If you're just rejecting him without any reason why...that can be very hard to deal with.

(I'm a woman but my husband has a very low libido...)

[gordian_knot]

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TaintedGoth1 said:
Personally I think men CAN live without it...they're just selfish and only think about themselves.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yes, of course men can live without sex, TaintedGoth, just as you can live without ever again wearing the color black. But you choose not to because it's an important part of who you are and what you want in your life. And if you were in a relationship where your partner needed you to give it up, you'd be confused and upset too.

Don't be so belittling and dismissive of what this man is struggling with. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's wrong.

[Lenny]

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gordian_knot said:
Don't be so belittling and dismissive of what this man is struggling with. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it's wrong.

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You sound bright and organized gordian...but who's to know...

This statement sounds similar to the point you were attempting to make..belittling and dismissive...

But typed words are often misunderstood...and I may very well be wrong in this assumption...and I truly admit,,,that is all it can be...

Lenny

[gordian_knot]

That wasn't my intent. I only wanted to illustrate that sexual intimacy is vitally important to some people, and especially so with many men. To say that men should be able to easily toss sex aside or be labelled as selfish if they don't shows a lack of respect and empathy. I would say exactly the same thing to any man who might write:

"Personally I think women CAN live without ever talking to men about their feelings...they're just selfish and only think about themselves."

I think that anyone choosing to be in a relationship enters into an unspoken agreement with their partner to respect their needs and to communicate and compromise when their needs conflict. In other words, Mishy’s husband wants to have sex and Mishy isn’t able to, so they both have a responsibility to talk to each other about it, understand that the other person’s desires aren’t wrong just because they’re opposite, and work out a plan for the future that they both agree with.

[Lenny]

I enjoyed and was benefitted by your explanation gordian..it makes perfect sense...and belittled no one..

I also agree that communication is the essence to problem solving between all interested parties..

Thank you.

Lenny

[mishyb1979]

we do talk and ive explaned to him how im felling and he says its like im regecting him which im so not, its just the way im feelng, so the agreement is if i dont want to there is the internet lol. just aslone as he aint out there give it to who ever and if that did happen it would be more than his hands id be chopping off haha.

My hubby is one of the people who really cant live without it to him its a sign of love of him being wanted and needed.

[Doh2007]

Someone said that women feel love then have sex and men have sex then feel love.

[50guy]

I wonder if it was the other way around and he never touched you how you would feel? I have found for me I don't desire sex as much as I used to. I'm lacking touch. My DW has never been affectionate in our 35 years of marriage.
Usually I initiate and she responds. In the past 2 years I have not initiated more than a dozen times and she has maybe twice. We are not as sexual as we once were.It bothers me but, I am tired of being the one that makes the first move.

Otherwise, things are good.

Also, I don't think anyone is responsible for what they do in their sleep.

[gordian_knot]

I think it's more complicated than that, Doh2007, at least for some men, and definitely for me. I don't think the act of sex necessarily leads to feelings of love, but the intimacy, absolute trust and physical closeness that comes with sex deepens and strengthens tentative or established feelings of love.

When the woman I love chooses to be exposed and vulnerable to me, and presses her body against mine, and I can feel her breath on my neck and her heart fluttering against my chest... to know that she trusts me and needs me in such an intimate way makes my love for her grow even stronger.

It's not simply the orgasm. It really isn't.

[youOme]

Men have a stronger sexual drive, it's natural.

You can't necessarily blame your husband for finding you attractive and wanting to be intimate with you. He may not understand what you're feeling, even if you did explain to him. Men and women handle things much differently when it involves emotion. Sometimes I think my husband must be cold since he doesn't poor as much emotion into something as I do, but I think his reaction is similar as other men.

What I think could be done is maybe let him know you're going through some stuff right now and you'll let him know when you're ready to intimate again, tell him you need time to deal with some stuff. Maybe he'll understand.