[inkblot]

My blind date yesterday went well, I think. He seems to be a nice guy, very intelligent, and does appear to be a doctor. I would be okay with seeing him again to learn more about him/each other, BUT! he has a libido bigger than Asia! (BTW, he's Chinese) Now what?

He also wants our next visit to be today at my place--Well, you all know that I have no place but my car. I didn't know how to tell him.

I am very uneasy with things he says about being sexual. It's like he wants a relationship, but the primary objective is sex. I saw a lot of red flags yesterday.

I understand that there is a mild language problem, too. He speaks very good English, but there are times when translation is a slightly off, but understandable and easily deciferable.

He did kiss me (several times!) though I didn't really return the favor. I have to admit though, he wasn't bad. He also gave a very nice mini knee massage when briefly discussing my surgery. My history and I guess PTSD let me put up with his kissing and sexual talk. He asked me if I'd thought about it much, and I told him honestly that "No, it's not important to me/don't care about it/think about it much". I can be okay with hand holding just meeting someone, but not this other stuff. I don't know what to do about him now. Ideas? Dump him or keep him?

Gosh Inky...For me, trying tell a woman when/if she should have a physical relationship with a guy is really difficult, since there are so many issues involved. I can't put my "stuff" in your head as far as my decision making goes, ya know? Say I may use my spiritualty, and/or my personal ethics, - mine may be different from yours. So how can I help guide you in something so personal?

One thing I know FOR SURE is this - if you are not absolutely aching with excitement, and anticipation of the moment you two can be together....then it seems like it's it not the right man or not the right time.

Perhaps talking to him and saying, "it's just too soon for me to be comfortable". If he heads for the hills, fine. Heck, even Howard Stern goes by the Three Date Rule! (if no nookie by the 3rd date, he's gone....ya, great loss there! )

If the sole purpose of this guy's dating life is to get nookie, your heart won't be properly care for, hon. Please protect it, OK?

Emmy

[lenjan]

Sounds like a dump-ee to me ... as in, you should dump him at the next possible opportunity. It doesn't sound like he has your best interests at heart.

Candy

[Wants2Fly]

After all the not my place to say, how can I tell from a brief post, yadda, yadda -- here's my two impressions:

1. If there's "red flags" up, follow your intuitions. I agree with the "too soon for me" advice.

2. I've encountered a number of foreign men. The first time was in college; an exchange student from a very insular culture was trying to convince me I'd make a great model. Even naive little me knew this was line. When he left, two older coeds -- complete strangers to me -- came over and said: Men from this culture believe American women are *****s. There have been a number of rapes on campus involving this ethnic group. Be careful! As I was from a small town in Big Bad Manhattan as a frosh, I was very grateful

Another time, a legitimate civic group asked for young women to serve as hostesses for some international junior sailors -- yachtsmen, if I recall correctly -- and pretty soon the guy was all over me and insulted when I didn't put out -- because he'd always heard US girls were easy.

There's other instances -- can't go on.

What I've learned from encounters is that the impression that U.S. women are loose is NOT limited to one particular ethnic group, and the more completely different the culture is from ours -- in particular, the more sexually repressed -- the more likely the man is to make unseemly sexual advances. Unseemly to me, that is. To put it bluntly, they want sex from me, they are not interested in a long-term intimate relationship.

The man I spent the last 15 years with was previously married to a Taiwanese woman and lived there. The guys feel pretty free to go out and get a haircut and oral sex -- there are actually places that offer both, like American "massage parlors" -- but they do not desire licentious behavior in the women they marry.

As the coeds said to me so many years ago: Be careful.

[inkblot]

Thanks for the input. One other thing I can mention is that my Yahoo email address that he used has, um, multiple meanings. It's a medical abbreviation that interpreted means "take me as needed". At the time I registered, every name I tried came up taken--I was getting very frustrated--so I started to use almost anything, and try different combinations of what I had already tried. Finally I ended up with this particular one. I'm not much for how 99.9% of people would interpret the meaning, but was hoping that it could be explained that I meant it similarly but not sexually. I know, I need to come up with a new email name.

[Wants2Fly]

I just want to add that I apologize in advance if anyone is offended by a post that can be read as cultural stereotyping and/or bias. I've certainly met my share of US guys who are sexual users and commitment phobes. My point was that there can be a cultural element in such situations, albeit that it was clumsily made.

I think the other point is that every person we date absolutely must respect our boundaries -- sexual and otherwise -- no matter what their race, religion, ethnicity, or country of national origin. Period.

As for the email address, if he is a doctor, or even in a medical profession, and deciphered it as you are questioning, could be in entered into it.

It can be tough to balance our needs for connection and our personal needs. But you have to take care of yourself. Good luck with this.

[SweetCrusader]

Take care of you, Inky. If your gut says this is no good, believe your gut. If he was disrespectful on the very first date, imagine what he'll be like when he's not presenting that first date "good side"

Angela

[LMo]

Thumbs down on this guy. You can do much better.

[Rapunzel]

Inky,

Follow your instincts. It's time to listen to the part of you that knows what you need and what you don't, and where your boundaries are. It's so easy to put someone else's wants above your own, but you deserve better than that. Recognize what you want (or don't), and set limits, and don't stay around someone who does't respect your limits.

[SeptemberMorn]

Ditto to what LMo said! eeewwwwwww

Hey! If it's the sex that is all important to him, let him pay for it! ... Somewhere else!

[shakes]

Inkblot,
A woman's intiution is a powerful thing. So listen to it!! I get a bad feeling just reading about this. Dump him!

Jessica

[ToddAADD]

There is a positive side to this, this guy is being honest about what he wants, better to find out now than after you get feelings for him.

[Wants2Fly]

True, true, Todd. It's great to have an optimist in the crowd!!!!