[Rose3]

As we agree to get together, I find myself trying to figure
out ways to interact with this person.
I appreciate this person (friendly over the years), yet just
a bit too often - she is sharp (unnecessarily) and sort of
negative about various things that I say.
(a brief example - I mentioned that I might like to work
in a particular field - and she snaps at me about that;
another example - when I had one summer job and told
her, she snapped at me and said "you don't want to do that"
(actually I was kind of enjoying the job).

How do I stop this snappishness?
It's like I want to say "please don't ruin my dinner with your
nasty bad mood - that's not what my presence is for"

Maybe it is for me to understand that there are probably other
reasons for her snappishness. But, I still don't like it - and I
don't snap at her (yet I have just as many life concerns as she
does).
So, the first question: how do I stop her snappishness?
Next question: what topics can I bring up to ask her about so that she stops targetting me?
How about 20 topics (considering that we have different educational backgrounds now). (actually I tried that one time - I wrote out a list of topics).

[vetswife]

Tell her what she is doing and that you don't like it. I have a hard time hiding any of my emotions, I say how I feel (with respect to the other person of course, I am not rude to them). Just have a heart to hear with her. She is your friend. Carefully plane out your thoughts and bring them up in conversation. If you stumble on your words like I do. Write her a letter, I love writing letters you can say everything you need to say without interruption, plus you don't forget what you wanted to say.

If that don't work, throw it back at her, most people don't like the taste of their own medicine. Or say to her; have you ever hear the phrase if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all.

You'll never clear this up unless you bring it to her attention, she probably doesn't know it bothers you.

I hope this wasn't to blunt. Good luck!

[Rose3]

it's okay - thanks for the ideas
I thought of what it would be like to deliver as you suggest "a taste of her own medicine" - but the reality is that - I'm just not like that (so - I don't know how to do it, and I don't want to become like that).

I'm not a rude person.
I've used that phrase myself "if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all" (I remember it from Bambi)

I need some quick short replies for when this happens (because
I know that I won't get many words out for stumbling over them).

The letter writing is a good idea - so I have access to email (same thing) - but what to courteously say? "Let's have a pleasant dinner."
"Let's not ***** all evening." "I'm not accustomed to being with someone who *****es all evening and I find that it ruins my dinner, and then I don't even want to go."
Any more ideas?
thanks again

[vetswife]

If I were you and somebody kept saying negative things to me. The next thing I said, before she could get a word out I'd say "do ya got a problem with that?" Or after she comment you could say "I see you took a happy pill today." I know this is really corny stuff. Like I said if it were me, I'd be dishing right back. "Treat others how you would like to be treated" right. So if someone's being nasty to me, I'll be nasty right back. You must be young, I can remember being like you. One day this middle aged guy said to me (I was 18 at the time), he said that one day I would get bitter and start biting back. Well wouldn't ya know I started biting back. I'll never forget that conversation. One day I just got tired of taking peoples crap. I think one day you'll get tired of it too and start standing up for yourself.

If you want to go with the e-mail just be like... Look (whats her face) somethings been bothering me. But first I want you to know that I consider you a good friend. But when you constantly complain about everything, it makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't enjoy our time together. Or something along those lines.

If she doesn't stop and you don't like being around her, then she's not your friend.

[Rose3]

Thanks again.
I can use "you have a problem with that?", and "you took a happy pill today?" or "why are you complaining?" "what are you complaining about?"
More, more, more - these are what I need.
Maybe her negativity has to be stopped in those moments when it occurs.
It seems almost like some of her negative remarks are nasty/snappish in order to elicit a certain kind of response from me - and I find this controlling and peculiar.

[Doh2007]

You could get a funny look on your face and say, "Gee, that was sharp. Did you have a bad day?"

[Rose3]

thanks - that's good too
And I could ask "did you get enough sleep last night?"
"are you not enjoying your dinner?"
"did something unpleasant happen today?
or
I could offer to just get up and leave (but I don't want to have to do that).

[KissFL110]

Has she always been this way? This reminds me of a coworker of mine. She'll talk to you, talks about herself only, and gets pissy or snappy when you try to get a word in edgewise. Then she has the nerve to wonder why I avoid her.

[vetswife]

Or you could be a little more sassy and say "what crawled up your **s", or you could use "butt" if you don't want to be a potty mouth. Have some fun with it. Funny looks are definitely a good idea to add to the comments.

[Rose3]

or I could say "I don't understand why you are snapping at me - would you like to explain?"

[ECHOES]

Her snapping is about her, so point it back to her.
"You sound like you have very definite thoughts about this. Do you want to say more."
"You sound angry. Are you okay?"
Include your own self-defense comments.
"Oh, I enjoy that job/field. But it sounds like you wouldn't" (meaning I am me and you are you!)
"Thank you for your thoughts. I wasn't actually looking for approval, just chatting! )

I have a friend who snaps too. She can snap one minute then say something entirely friendly the next. I am exploring it in therapy, seeing if my perceptions are right (is she really snapping or am I hearing it as snapping because I'm hearing criticism that might or might not be there), noticing my reactions (often a supressed rage---hello stroke!), etc.

Best of luck to you!

[Rose3]

Thank you.
Yes, I figured that it's about her - but it is unpleasant to be with someone when she's like this.
Maybe it's her health. Maybe she's just generally angry or something.
I notice that I used to look forward to getting together with her - I do remember, before she became like this.
Anyway, maybe things'll improve.
Hope so.