[Toy31]

<font color="blue"> </font> It is very frustrating to me when my husband says one thing and does another. I could understand if it were an every now and then thing. However, it has been progressively been becoming the rule and not the exception. Things like...saying I'm going to be home in about an hour and here it is 3 hours later and no call, no show. Then there are the times that he gives me money to help with the household expenses and for my own personal pleasure but, then comes back and "borrows" it until payday or whenever he makes a side hussle. My husband is an addict who is not currently seeking treatment. I am so frustrated I could spit. What in the world should I do?

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((Toy31))))))))))))))
I am not good at giving advise but have you tried talking to him about how his behavior is making you feel? I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.

Nice to meet you and welcome to PC.

[Toy31]

Yeah, I've talked to him about it ad nauseum. He will do better for a while but, then things seem to go back to the same old same old. I know that his addiction plays a big part of it but, I can't make him get help.

[Perna]

I'd make sure the money was not in a "borrow" backable state? Hide it or spend it right away, etc.

I'd try to make some consequences for the time thing; tell him "dinner will be ready at 6:30" or whatever and then if he isn't home, serve/eat it anyway. Have him miss a few things he might have liked to have been present at, all because he doesn't show when he says he will.

If you can think of consequences for his drug addiction in relation to you and (first) seeing that it's messing up his life that would be good too. If same old same old works, why would he change?

[StarPonysMama]

Been there. Done this.

My boyfriends favorite was to go out drinking (he's a recovering alcoholic) with this stinkly, lethargic, alcoholic old man and he would do the "not call, not come home" thing. Twice he took of in MY TRUCK!!!!!!!!

So, guess what. You no longer get to use my truck. I threw him out and back to his "mama's" house on December 4, 2007 and I have REFUSED to let him move back in.

He's pulled the outing thing once since then. My response to that was, "you better come up with a plan to do something about it, it better be good, and it better be quick."

He's now joined A.A.

So it's a step in the right direction. TIME will tell if it's for real or - if it's just an appeasement to me.

I also made him remove all of his race cars from the shop where the old man works. And have asked him to sever all contact except for his parts needs for the shop (my boyfriend owns an auto parts business). Thus far it has worked well.

Start taking what you can away. When he asks to borrow the money back, I'd say, "well when you didn't come home the other night, I got online and dontaed it to X organization, or, I decided to go shopping, or SOMETHING. Tell him you spent it.

Cook enough for yourself. Not him. Say well, I never know when you say you're gonna be home - you sometimes don't show up and I don't want food going to waste.

I'd say withdrawl little things. Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing nice things for him. When he goes out - don't call more than once. (I learned that). Sometimes I found the withdrawl of affection helps to but that's just a personal experience.

I think the important part is to just go on and do what you do - and act like it doesn't even bother you. It's kind of like a dog relentlessly barking - they want to get your attention. Some of the best dog trainers to say if you don't pay them attention - eventually they realize they're getting nowhere and they stop on their own.

Go on with YOUR life. Start going to bingo, or to the mall, or do your own outings. Turn the tables. I've done that to. I have been known to be making a short trip to town and staying at the mall all day.

***GOOD LUCK****

[MattWag]

Well I m not the best example of a good man...but I can give you some advice from a guys perspective.....get mean....it sounds like he does what he wants without any consequences....and thats not fair....start laying down the law...as men we should not live with out limits....set some limits and some expectations and see how he responds...a good man will understand and want things to work out...a bad one will try to argue that he needs to be free to do what he wants... choose the good one

[Toy31]

Thank you so much for your insights. Things are peaceful for now. I am living and learning; growing stronger and wiser everyday.

[Toy31]

Thank you so much for the male perspective. TTYL

[Toy31]

Well, things are a lot better these days. He actually went 3 whole weeks without using. He has "fell off the horse " twice since that 3 week milestone but, he has recommitted to abstaining. I have had to reaffirm to myself that my trust is not in my husband, any drug/alcohol treatment program, or in anyone except God Himself. I have placed my complete trust in Him to rehabilitate my husband.