[tomato_cheeks]

I'm not exactly sure whether I'm meant to put this under Personality Place or Relationship & Communication, since this has both factors. I'm sorry if I put this on the wrong section.

Anyway... my OCD has taken its toll on my partner who I've been living with for less than a year now. Oh yes, the big problem for me here... I'm insecure, almost about ANYTHING! From stove, to dirt, to safety, to my files, or documents, and to my relationship. The frustrating thing is that he said that he understands my OCD, but I doubt it. I asked him if he could read some books on OCD so he could know a little more, but he refused, he just said "well, that's just you being you", and he said this many times... and in my head, I screamed "This isn't me being me!!!!!". He doesn't understand that I know that I'm not exactly the easiest person to live with, that I probably haven't been the best girlfriend, and that lots of the things I do drive him crazy (heck, it's driving me insane!), but what he doesn't know is that I cannot help it! On my good days I can fight not to do my OCD things, but to fight it takes a lot of energy that over a few days period would take its toll on me and finally crashes me down.

Little things that trigger my OCD could easily be avoided, what's so hard about closing the pantry doors back once he's finished? What's so hard about putting food back in the fridge once he's done? or close lids once he's done??? These are ordinary things that even ordinary people do, because it makes sense. But for me, seeing these happen, triggers a whole of different set of compulsions. Then maybe something a little bit more... like not putting anything but pots and pans on the elements (stove), a lot of time I see him putting plastic bags, or papers, or containers on top of it (even while it's turned off). In my mind, this scare the hell out of me, because those objects can be easily melt or burned and become a fire hazard IF the elements are on. And then before I go to sleep at night, my stove checking routine time would've doubled. I would've gone in and out of the kitchen just to make sure that there's nothing on top of the elements and I have to put my hand on the elements to make sure they're off, way more times than I normally do.

Back to the story... he has no idea, that everyday... I worry... I worry that he's sick of me and decided to leave me. And for those times he's being distant, I cry myself to sleep blaming myself and beg silently for him not to leave me. I promised to myself to be better, which I could do for a few days, but after that the OCD take over again. I love him very much, he had no idea how hard I fought for him. Our inter-racial relationship not only has culture clash and my OCD as the problems, but also lack of support from my side of the family. He saw decision towards my parents was only as some kind of rebellion or freeing myself from them act. Honestly, I've gone pass the rebellion stage of my life years ago. I'm in my mid 20's now, and if I haven't been able to stand up and decide for myself towards my parents, then I'd be VERY worried. What I did was fighting for something and someone I believed in, I wouldn't put up a fight like I did if it was for someone else. The non-OCD side of me want to do things differently so that I'm not putting as much pressure to him as I am now. But the OCD part of me is up to the point where I truly cannot live without him, literally... he has become a part of my routine.

Right now, I am freaking out!!!! He is going on holiday for a week, to take a break from work that has been hell for him and also to have some time away from daily life, including me. My non-OCD part understands more than anything of what he feels and would like to encourage him to have a good time. And in a way, jealous because I do need a holiday too. However my OCD part of me is freaking out that when he's away he decided to leave me, more than that, I'm freaking out because for a week, I'd be totally lost without him. No surprises, my worries won me over. I couldn't give him the support he needs to see and feel and I am ashamed of myself. Right now, I am in an emotional rollercoaster.

Thanks for reading guys... I really needed to get this out *hugs*

[CedarS]

Sounds rough, what you are going through! Are you in therapy yourself? And do you think eventually your man would be willing to do some therapy with you? Might help a lot, someone to help you feel heard and secure.

While he is gone, any ideas on how to help yourself relax? Are you on any meds?

Good luck with everything, best wishes to you.

[snowflakes]

(((((tomato_cheeks)))))

Hi there! YOu just have to trust your husband on this. When he said he understands you, he means it. Stop worrying and entertaining negative thoughts. Cause eventually it will really eat you up like what is happening to you. LEt me just remind you my friend that you have an OCD and not a paranoia. I can understand where your coming from and I know it is really hard on your part but let it be gone. Believe me, it will not help you with what your going through if you entertain negative thoughts in your mind. Never let those ideas in your mind consume you. Just keep trying and try to talk things over with your partner whenever you feel like your not feeling good about yourself or the things you have done. Godbless!!!

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Sorry you are feeling this way, I will keep you in my prayers.
Hugs-Angel

[tomato_cheeks]

Thank you for your messages. It makes me feel better

No I'm not on on-going treatment since I can't go on it without putting a really big strain on our financial, so on-going treatment would be something that comes in a few years time. However I am on meds for some of my symptoms, which only to be taken at certain conditions, and what I'm going through now isn't one of them. I looked for support group in my area but couldn't find any. My partner did say though, that if I am going to any support group or treatment then he'd come with.

I tried talking to him sometimes when I'm having a good day, but most times we'd end up in an argument, to him these odd things I do can be eliminated simply by having a strong will... I really do WISH it was that simple! Lately, I just didn't want to try talking to him anymore, because I don't think he even want to try to get to know it.

At the moment I asked one of my best friends to come and stay with me while he's away so I seriously don't go insane and maybe I'll go stay somewhere else where I can be out of my own habit and environment for a bit but not long enough to create a new routine. That's the best I can do for now.

[Sannah]

Hi Tomatocheeks, I recovered from anxiety and I realized that we are anxious because we never felt secure as children. We then get these habits which are attempts to feel secure "If my environment is perfect then everything will be alright". Of course you know that this just causes you to work your butt off trying to make things perfect and it doesn't bring real security. I got secure by building real security into my life. A part of that was focusing on the present and recognizing what was secure and good with my present life. The insecurities that overwhelm you are mostly from the past? I had to learn to let go of them - find security in the present and let go of the securities of the past which really don't exist anymore but in your mind.