Date him or not?

I'm seriously confused! I know relationships happen when you least expect them, but, well, I really didn't see this one coming and it has totally floored me. Turns out a guy loosely connected to my work has liked me for a few months, and just recently he decided to make his move. Truth be told I hadn't even considered him as relationship material, so I didn't even KNOW what I thought of him. So far I have just gone along with it, so we've had two dates and now he's away for a few weeks so I have time to think about it. I'm finding it hard to decide if I want to see him seriously though.

On the one hand its nice to have a guy FINALLY interested in me (I am NEVER asked out by guys, never even noticed by them) and I have been enjoying the attention, and the second date we had was good fun, but then again he is a lot older, not really handsome, and has kids (from a previous relationship). I can forgive the kids and forget about the age gap, though neither is ideal but I'm really struggling with the looks aspect.

Last time (only other serious relationship) I dated a guy who I didn't think was handsome, but whom I was attracted to anyway, though I felt like I wasn't attracted ENOUGH to him, and it caused some problems. We split up for lots of reasons, not just that though. I guess I always thought I had "done my time" with unattractive guys, and I sort of expected the next one would be better looking, but in fact he's WORSE looking, and that worries me. I guess I feel like there's something wrong with me becuase I can't seem to attract anyone good looking.

I feel guilty being so superficial, as I don't normally place much store on looks, I think a good character is important,and I'm sure even the hottest guys grow boring fat or old after a while. I guess i'm just concerned what it says about me, and worried that it will cause problems if I don't find him physically handsome. Then again a part of me says that I should not be so fussy, as it has been ages since anyone showed any interest in me, so I should just be glad to have someone at all. I've been single for much of my adult life and my family and friends always ask when I am going to get someone and joke that there's something wrong with me, or appear suspicious when I say I'm still single. It seems mad to turn someone down in the face of that!!

Soooo.... My question is this: what should I do? is there something wrong with me that I keep attracting un-hot guys (and only them)

sorry sorry this is a very long post.... just to reflect how confused i am!
thanks for reading/ giving me your advice!

Hey misse!

Welcome to PC! What you talk about is not so uncommon for women to go through I don't think. We all have our own likes/dislikes when it comes to the opposite sex. Certain physical qualities are complete turn ons and others are complete turn offs.

It sounds to me, and please tell me if I'm off base here, that the age difference and the fact that he has children seem to weigh alot on you aside from the fact that he is not what you consider to be physically appealing.

I think what it really comes down to is that there was no real spark between the two of you (on your part anyway). But, there is no harm in being honest with him to the point where you let him know that you enjoy spending time with him, but at this time you are not romantically interested. This gives him an out if he feels differently, before it gets too far and he has more invested than you do It can also give you time to learn more about him if he is so inclined to continue to date you. Many times from getting to know a person better, we find we are more attracted than we originally thought

Don't know if any of that makes sense or not....LOL. Wishing you well!


sabby

I think hot/un-hot is in the eye of the beholder and not a "set" thing. I might find the guy pleasant looking.

So, I'd say, yes, there is a bit of superficial about what you want; my husband is fat and bald and was when I married him and actuallly grew his eyebrows closer together for awhile because I love unibrows! but it is what you want and you are allowed to what whatever you want!

But it also might be a mechanism to keep guys at a distance so you don't have to deal with the difficulties of a relationship on a serious level? You might want to look at that if you have a therapist or counselor to discuss that with.

Hi Misse -- I would not presume to advise you, but I will share some experiences.

First, getting seriously involved with anyone you have to see at work is risky. Even if it's only the FedEx guy who stops for the daily pick-up, should the relationship end, it means I have to take my break time to be away from my desk when he arrives. And if he's late or early one day, I have to deal with the stomach-lurching emotions of the meeting.

Second, I agree that the spark might be found.

Third, my example: I wanted a relationship after many years alone. I dated a man, and we had a good intellectual energy. But there was no spark for me. We were together 15 years. The sex, was at best, mediocre and a duty I performed for the love and laughter of the relationship. He left me abruptly for another woman. By that time, I was post-menopausal and had given up my peak years of sexuality.

Was the trade worth it? I'm still thinking that one over.

I know whatever you decide will be the best decision for you, because you are taking the time to be introspective and consider all dimensions of the situation. Good luck.

Hi Misse,
If the spark with this man is not there, then it's not there, you can't force it. One day you'll meet someone great and you'll find him very attractive. Keep your head and self esteem up. Guys like a girl with self confidence.

If the chemistry isnt there...it isnt there. end of story. dont feel bad about that

thanks for all your advice- interesting to hear what others think and some quite perceptive comments! I will think it over some more and talk to him when he's back in town.