[SweetCrusader]

Sorry it's kinda long, but I could use some advice...

So, one of the best friends I have ever had... We were completely inseparable and totally understood eachother and could really open up to eachother. We loved eachother's weird humor and we had SOOO many good times. But we had some confusion and miscommunication and then our friendship ended in a really nasty, painful way. It was both of our fault, but probably more hers (and she would agree on that I think). She said some horrrible things to me- typed out a 7 page letter about all of my faults. It hurt a lot. Because I was hurt so much, and because I'm so good at shoving people away, I have never missed her a single day.

Several years later, the death of our mutual friend Jon has kinda brought us together recently. I have been very guarded with her, but she has apologized and said she's grown up a lot since then and realizes how juvenile our falling out was. She said she really misses me, and has never found a better friend since.

Last night, in my panic, I called her. I only have one other friend in this town, and I couldn't find someone. I just needed somebody. She brought me a funny card, a heatable little bag thingy for comfort, and some icecream. And then, I remembered all the wonderful things we used to do for eachother. And I enjoyed her company.

And for the first time ever, I really missed her.

I am a person with a LOT of walls, and I have a hard time trusting the first time around. The second time around, it's incredibly hard. I can't decide what to do with this friend.

If you were me, what would you do?

[kimmydawn]

Angela,

this very thing happened to me with a very good friend that i had when i was younger. she was my very bestest friend

we came back together years later, with all of the changes in our lives, etc. we did fine for a few months. we caught up on everything, laughed about old times, etc. it was almost like a whirlwind romance. however, i never trusted her completely and remained very guarded. after a few months, i'd decided that our new friendship did mean as much to me...due to the distrust and the fact that i lived in preparation for her next "wrong". another reason is, she was highly unpredictable! i couldn't stand the stress of her reckless life and ended the relationship.

i think had she matured we could've maintained the relationship. i hope that you can with your friend. her life will tell if she's truly grown, ya know? look for the answers to your questions in her "now" life. that's what i would do. good luck! we all need good friends.

be safe,

kimmydawn

[SweetCrusader]

Thanks, you two. I REALLY appreciate the advice. You both gave me stuff to think about. I could still use some more advice, though, if anyone else has a perspective on it. I'm still unsure of what to do.

[Myzen]

Hi SweetCrusader,

I agree with the other posts here, but would like to add something.

You mentioned about having a lot of 'walls' and I think most of us here can identify with that. Sensitivity to rejection is a big part of any depressive illness, and rejection hurts us really badly.

Over the years I have tried to lose the idea of a 'best' friend, for just this reason. If I am going out into the world with an open mind, friendly with everyone I meet, then I feel strong, but if I am looking for emotional support from just one person then I feel needy and weak. That's why this board is so good for me.

So I would say, be friendly but don't look for the pot of gold in the friendship, as you may get hurt. The pot of gold is carried inside ourselves, it always is.

Cheers, Myzen

[SweetCrusader]

Hi Myzen,

That is excellent advice!!! Thanks so much!!! My therapist and I talked about this in my session on Saturday, and she said she felt like this friendship before was idealized, that my friend and I lived in a "shared illusion" where we expected perfect support from eachother- and that a relationship like that is doomed to failure. I know that's true. And what you've said here, just reiterates the point my T made. Thanks for that.

Angela

[chloepie]

well, let's look at this 2 different ways...

First, you could just keep your walls up and push her away, never knowing what could be...

or you could give her a chance, still keeping your guard up for a while, and give her a chance to show you that she has changed.

I think we have all made mistakes in our lives, and we all deserve second chances.

I like what you and your therapist brought up with the "illusion" of perfect friendship. Perhaps not expecting so much from someone and yourself will help your friendship be more realistic and still beneficial.

I'm proud of you for calling her - what a big step!! I think that speaks so much about how you really feel about her. I think it's natural for you to put walls up, but you called her when you needed someone, and I think that demonstrates how much you'd like to have her in your life.

I hope things work out - having a good friend is a fantastic gift...and this is someone who apologized for what she did - so she sees the wrong in it. If she did not see what she did wrong, then I would say to beware, but I believe she's truly sorry, and she demonstrated that by being there for you when you called her.

I believe, my dear, that could be the start of a beautiful friendship...*hahah*

[Wants2Fly]

Hello SweetCrusader --

I agree with everything everyone else has said. To enjoy what the relationship has to offer AND to protect your heart, be a bit guarded.

To grow into a less idealized picture of the relationship and each other.