[makouro]

I am a recovering addict and I think that plays a big part in the direction my relationship is going.

at the start of me cleaning up my act, I started to notice something I had not in a long time, and that was feelings.

I don't like feelings, and I'm struggling. I don't like feelings because... they make me feel like a bad person.

since I have quit heroin, I have noticed a change in me which seems for the worst... just about everything my girlfriend says or does, I lash out and snap about it, if it deserves a cocky remark, I go way overboard and if its a simple question thats "no harm done" I'm still an arrogant jerk. I wish it would stop, I love her to death but my actions definitely do not show that... I'm not sure what to do and I need help.

besides my relationship with her, my relationship with others and myself is just the same. life overall is rocky as ever. I have had substantial clean time in the past and in previous endeavors to control my addiction and work on myself, I have never had this problem. .. I need some advice, I'm not sure if I have enough info here or not, any questions or comment is greatly appreciated.

[gimmeice]

Are you currently in therapy? I believe that there are certain kinds of therapy that work on this kind of behavior.

[reddevil]

I think you should discuss this with her, so that she knows what is going on. I agree with gimmeice as well, therapy might be a good idea.

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by makouro

I don't like feelings, and I'm struggling. I don't like feelings because... they make me feel like a bad person.

Shame is intolerant of loving feelings. Its mission is self disgust and works methodically and patiently towards that end..

It is hard to love another when you don't love yourself..we feel unworthy.

makouro...your addiction is a disease,,,your actions while under its control were not you. Though you are accountable for those actions,,they do not define you.

You are putting down the drug...and if you keep it down then you are a miracle,,deserving of all the love that you give...

With care,

Lenny

[lifeblows]

Some of what you described was reminiscent of withdrawal for me, but from the so-called good drugs. I'm referring to the anti-depressant I was on. Personally I think the prescribed s**T is probably worse for you than the illicit stuff, or at least just as bad, but that's another day's story.
Based on my experience with the horrible withdrawal from the legal stuff, I can only imagine what you guys go through coming off the hard stuff.

I went through all kinds of horrible symptoms and it also made me angrier & raging as hell. It's as if all that stifled anger the drugs suppressed came out when I got off them. It was horrible and unfortunately a lot of this got directed at my boyfriend. Fortunately it subsided somewhat after a few weeks but the withdrawal upped my anger to a whole new level. Not like I didn't have enough of it to begin with.

I'm not a big fan of therapy anymore, at least not for myself or individual therapy, but couples therapy helped us a lot. It helped us learn how to handle me better, taught my boyfriend that some of the things he was saying or do when I was already upset were probably not the most useful with a psycho girlfriend, and allowed him to better understand why I do a lot of what I do even if I don't want to or mean to. It helped him learn that a lot of the stuff I'm doing is not on purpose but based on my past and not having anyone do anything nice for me before. Our couples therapist is an LCSW and he's been a lot more help than some of the psychologists I've been to for individual stuff. If you want to save your relationship and really love your girlfriend, I'd recommend it (just make sure this therapist is a good fit for both of you and that you both feel comfortable with him/her). Also wanted to say kudos for you for trying to get clean again, I know that can't be easy.

[chiz]

You are recovering as you have said. I think its part of the recovery. Only that your relationship with your girlfriend and other people is at stake. Its good that you are aware of it. Let this awareness help you motivate yourself in the recovery process. Also, like what "reddevil" said, discuss this with your girlfriend so that she'll understand and might be able to help you. I don't know if that really helps but I hope things will get better real soon. Good luck.