[misfashionista]

I have been with my boyfriend for a 1 year and a half. He told me he went through my cell phone and was demanding I tell him about one of my platonic guy friends from high school that called me. I told him hes just a friend I keep in touch with from high school and he wouldnt believe me and said he cant trust me. Before that he has also gone through my Myspace messages and got mad when a guy I used to date(me and this guy never had sex, went out on date once, remained friends) was flirting with me(I accepted all his compliments and winked back), the guy and I are friends and he respects that im in a relationship, we were both busy and tried to catch up over a cup of coffee one day(we never had a chance to do that by the way), so my boyfriend swears I was gonna run off and start a sexual relationship with him. I have also caught him going through my cell phone at other times, and when I'm sending E-mails or Text Messages he gets paranoid. If I dont answer my phone, he asks if I was talking to someone else or ignoring him. Even before he looked at my Myspace emails he was sneaking to look in my cell phone. I have never cheated on him, never even thought of it. He is 23, I know he was hurt by his first love way back in high school. Can a man like this change or should I just leave him?
Please help me, I love him and I dont know what to do.

[iamtwilight]

i don't know about guys but i'm an insecure girlfriend and i'm just like your bf - i get terribly anxious if my partner is on the computer or on the phone, but i never say anything. i don't go through my his e-mails / texts or anything... i feel that is disrespectful. and it is. you don't have to share everything with your partner, and you have the right to keep your messages private.

based from my experience... you can tell him a hundred times that he's your world, you would never leave him and you love him and you would give anything to be with him. words are not enough. i know i'm never assured after my partner says those things to me (well not exactly those but anyway). okay - maybe i am for a few days, or a few hours heh, and then the insecurity and anxiety comes rushing back again.

this sounds really cliche, but its true.. there's something that can be helpful for your boyfriend to overcome this insecurity and it's called psychotherapy. i know i need it myself and am looking forward to start it. and you might want to see a professional to talk about things if they get a bit too rough - i know they can get rough with people like me.

there's a reason for insecurity and as long as the person doesn't know why they are insecure or don't have coping mechanisms, this carousel is never going to stop. that's what psychotherapy is for - to help the person unravel their personal knots, to help them understand themselves and overcome their weakness. (again, i have never been in therapy myself, just seeing a psych nurse, so this may just be the haziest layman's idea)

i'm sorry i don't know what to say to help you really... if you are ready to put effort into your relationship.. (and believe me - a lot of it is going to be needed) and in return, he needs to be willing to co-operate - if he is aware of the issue and is willing to change it, work on it. a relationship doesn't work if only the other one is doing the work.

best of luck to you both, these issues can be overcome and overcoming them will prove to be useful in the future, come what may.


twilight

[Shangrala]

Hmmm....My mom used to tell me..."Those who point their finger to blame are the ones who hide in shame".

Over the years of living life and having my share of various encounters, I have come to discover that the statement is true.

For starters, NO ONE should disrespect another. Violating your privacy as he does only proves that he has no concern for your feelings and that he has no respect for YOU. Shame on him!
And the fact that he is accusing you of not being honest or devoted (when he has absolutely no reason to feel that way) is a good indication that he very well may be acting out of guilt.

Has he ever asked you to stop being friends with anyone (male or female friends)?? Does he seem to always have reasons why he thinks a specific friend of yours is harmful or threatening to the relationship you have with him?
If you know that any of your friendships pose no threat to your relationship and he insists that they do (asks that you forfeit it for the sake of the relationship's security) that should indicate that something is not quite right. Be certain to ask him to justify his reasons for his suspicions. His reasons should not be centered around himself, (which more than likely just may be). Never sacrafice your friends for the sake of his insecurities. The only thing that will do is eliminate one more person that he feels paranoid about and reinforce him to act the same way with the next friend...then the next...and even the next. Before you realize it, you have no more friends of your own.

Does he have female friendships that he maintains? If so, does he feel he needs to hide them from you, or does he express them openly with you?
Have you paid note to his activity online? Who he talks with....how he behaves when you are nearby. (Do you have HIS passwords to his accounts?) When he receives activity on his phone (texts or calls), does he remain in the same room with you, or does he wander off for privacy? Does he ever leave his cell unguarded?

There are many signals which may indicate what is going on with him that you are completely unaware of. Because you are trusting, you have no reason to suspect deceipt (not saying that he IS deceiving you...just a suggestion).

Also~change your passwords to your online accounts to prevent him access. If he questions why he can no longer access YOUR accounts, tell him that your tired of being treated like you are doing something wrong.
(But more than likely, the act of you changing your passwords to prevent him access will only lead to him accusing you of having something to hide...such unnecessary nonsense...how exhausting!).

And please know that I can very well be wrong about him, (and I hope I am as I know you love him and this is very difficult for you). But from the information which you offered, it seems to me that he is a possessive person striving for control.
Never sacrafice your identity for the sake of another!

I'm hoping for the best for you. Take care.