[aveluz909]

I have been with my broyfriend for about 11 yrs. We both have never really dated before. We met in college when I was 19 and he was 21. He was always an honest guy and easy to get along with. Everyone thinks that he is the nicest person in the world. He did not drink, smoke, or party out with friends. I am in love with him.
Things changed when we moved to a new town. We moved because he wanted to study and I supported him. He is now in his early thirties and is going to a college where the majority are in their early twenties. Since we moved he has been different. I noticed he is flirty with girls and even got a myspace page where he flirts and writes to girls things he never said to me. He acts like when a guy is trying to get a girl. He is flirty and has nice things to say to these "online friends" as well as the frieds from his class. He has never been romantic with me or has never mentioned some of those complements to me. I confronted him and told him that he was not being himself because in all this time I did not know he was capable of complementing women like that. He has never really had that kind of attention with me.
I recently found out that he has an add (men seeking women) looking to meet women. I also saw an e-mail he sent a woman who had an add. He sent his picture and information on what he likes to do to a couple e-mail responses. He does not know I know this. I do not know what to do. I love him. We have been together for so long and I truly love him. Finding out that he wants to date or meet other women hurts me. I have always been sincere and have requested the same from him. I've told him that if he does not want to be with me that he should just let me know and we can move on with ourlives since we are only on our thirties. He thinks that I will suffer if we separate but I told him that I will get over it. I want him to be sincere with me. I do not want to be the one to tell him to move on. He does not know I found out about this internet add or that I can read his e-mails. I suspected somthing was not right because I had a dream and then the way he is acting lately. So I went to his computer to see what I could find. Well, I found that add and his e-mails.

I do not kow how to confront him. I can't tell him that I was searching his personal space.

[Lenny]

If you wish any future with him,,you will have to be honest with him..

You were wrong to search his private space,,but this act has given you the information you need to confront the issues..

Tell him what you have found,,sincerely appologise for the infringement of his privacy,,ask him what his plans are,,,his honest plans,,,and try to make some mature decisions..

Maybe some time apart to decide what you both want...

It would be a mistake avelu to deny what is happening...I know it hurts

With care,

Lenny

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by aveluz909

I have been with my broyfriend for about 11 yrs. We both have never really dated before. We met in college when I was 19 and he was 21. He was always an honest guy and easy to get along with. Everyone thinks that he is the nicest person in the world. He did not drink, smoke, or party out with friends. I am in love with him.
Things changed when we moved to a new town. We moved because he wanted to study and I supported him. He is now in his early thirties and is going to a college where the majority are in their early twenties. Since we moved he has been different. I noticed he is flirty with girls and even got a myspace page where he flirts and writes to girls things he never said to me. He acts like when a guy is trying to get a girl. He is flirty and has nice things to say to these "online friends" as well as the frieds from his class. He has never been romantic with me or has never mentioned some of those complements to me. I confronted him and told him that he was not being himself because in all this time I did not know he was capable of complementing women like that. He has never really had that kind of attention with me.
I recently found out that he has an add (men seeking women) looking to meet women. I also saw an e-mail he sent a woman who had an add. He sent his picture and information on what he likes to do to a couple e-mail responses. He does not know I know this. I do not know what to do. I love him. We have been together for so long and I truly love him. Finding out that he wants to date or meet other women hurts me. I have always been sincere and have requested the same from him. I've told him that if he does not want to be with me that he should just let me know and we can move on with ourlives since we are only on our thirties. He thinks that I will suffer if we separate but I told him that I will get over it. I want him to be sincere with me. I do not want to be the one to tell him to move on. He does not know I found out about this internet add or that I can read his e-mails. I suspected somthing was not right because I had a dream and then the way he is acting lately. So I went to his computer to see what I could find. Well, I found that add and his e-mails.

I do not kow how to confront him. I can't tell him that I was searching his personal space.

Personally, I think that everything happens for a reason. You felt that there was a problem so you went searching for the answer, and you found it. I think at the least you need to confront him because this behavior is obviously not good for YOUR relationship if you intend on having one with him. It sounds like, for whatever reason, he is trying to move on without even telling you...

TJ

[CedarS]

He is not treating you very well.

You could tell him that you want to improve your relationship with him by asking for what you want. You could tell him that you would like a romantic caring monogamous relationship. Ask him what he wants, with you.

You might end up being the one to change the relationship, you even might leave him. If you decide to do so, to be the one to make the first active change - you could take this as a sign of your strength and belief in yourself. You deserve a good relationship.

Right now it sounds like he is trying to get the "best" of both worlds. That is not fair to you unless it is something you both actually agreed upon.

If you two have an agreement to be faithful, but he is flirting and stepping outside the relationship, then it is important for you to be safe. He's hiding things from you and eventually that could mean that he has an affair. Which could put you at risk.

You ask how to trust him. I personally believe that a person needs to be trustworthy first before we trust them.

[digdug]

Never mind the e-mail you saw...you should have had a serious talk with him after his myspace behaviour.

When someone's not being honest with you about their feelings, you have to make them honest. Tell them how you feel and get them to do the same. People do this sorts of things your boyfriend is doing because they don't want to face how they really feel, whatever that it.

Don't be too pessimistic just yet. You've been going out for a long time and he might not have his head on straight. If it comes down to being with you or not being with you (and ending all his on-line shenanigans), he very well might make the choice you want him to. Although after you hear his true feelings you might choose a different path yourself.

The point is to talk. 11yrs is a long time, but put that out of your mind for the moment.