Abandonment Issues

Aren't they lovely?

Let me explain.

I think I got so used to dealing with people leaving me, that I grew to expect it at every turn. Now, everytime my boyfriend says he needs to talk to me or doesn't call or something like that, my internal thoughts go straight to "He hates me" "hes breaking up with me" "he doesnt want to be with me" and I end up winding myself up only to find out that it was NOT the case and everything is fine.

Its getting really, really old. I can and do give him space and I don't react badly towards him, I am able to control myself and not allow myself to be clingy or whiney or the such, but the darned thoughts are really a pain in the you know what.

How to get rid of these darn thoughts? Or at least relax and assume the best until i know for sure its not good news?

((((((((((((( Bowzz )))))))))))))))

Those kinds of feelings are so strong and hard to get rid of for sure. Do these feelings come from a low self esteem or were they born of people actually leaving you throughout your life?

Regardless of what brings those feelings on for you, I wonder if some self esteem boosting might help you? I know for myself, when I worked on my low self esteem, it helped in a multitude of things...from lessening my depression, to having more faith in myself, feeling better about where I was in my life and finding the strength to make my life what I wanted to make of it without expecting others to help me with it.

Even if you "get used" to people leaving and expecting it at every turn, instead of preparing yourself for it, you've pretty much set yourself up for the negative side of relationships....does that make sense? I mean, it's one thing to realize that changes happen, people come and go through our lives, but to actually expect it to happen all the time can be pretty hard to live with as a constant feeling/thought. What it does is to set the tone in your mind that things won't last so you end up not really enjoying the here and now. It's almost like you are setting yourself or your relationship up to fail before it has a chance to succeed for whatever length of time it goes on for.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that by trying to change the way we perceive happenings in our lives, we can lessen the anxiety and possibly even the chance that something will happen. I know it's not an easy thing to do, but it's not impossible

Don't know if what I said makes much sense or is helpful at all. Just know that I care and hope things work out for you my friend!


sabby

(((_sabby)))

Thanks for the hugs.

I would say a bit from column A, a bit from column B. My history goes a little something like this:

Born, taken away from mother immediatly.
Lived with bio grandmother till six months.
Taken away from bio grandmother and put into foster care
Adopted at fifteen months(into an abusive family)
Taken away from father at 12
lived with mother till age 14
taken away from mother
bounced around in foster care/group homes till age 17
Moved out and ran away at age 17, lived in a group home of my choice till 18 1/2.
Stormy relationships with some abusive partners for quie a while, left alot for less than savory reasons(cheated on, ect, left by partners in general)

So you can see, I have had a lot of it in my life.

I think your right about the self esteem thing. I could certainly do with more I think.I think it doesn't help that I am somewhat dependant on people now with the fibro, my back and not having a whole lot of friends where I am right now. Its a very small town and Ive been gone ten years so most of my friends have moved on to other places.

That makes sense to me, thats kind of why im trying to attack it now, because it sucks to constantly wonder when the ball is going to turn or whatnot. And i too beleive that we set ourselves up for failure.

It probably doesn't help that I have BPD as well, which the number one sign is abandonment issues. My last pdoc was less than encouraging when she said I'd probably always struggle somewhat with the BPD, but i could learn to cope better. Of course, I sabotaged after that and never came back to her because she got too close!

So at the same time I have abandonment issues, you know im sort of not doing anything to really create close relationships either. I mean its sort of like you say like i find something that will indicate its over before it even has time to grow ("oh, that must mean hes leaving me. I better get prepared") or whatnot.

I dont know if any of that made sense.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bows}}}}}}}}}}}}} Maybe you should tell him that you feel this way. My wife gets the feeling that I will leeve her. So every time I can I tell her not to worry I'm not going any where. It makes her feel alot better. Good luck!

(((stonehard)))

You are a really good partner to reassure her as such.

I'm a little afraid of looking clingy if i bring it up, or sooky. Im not even sure how i would bring it up if I did. Any ideas?

Mandy, I dont have much to say , except I'm right there with ya. Its happened to me alot lately. And a very real struggle to get thru. I wish you the best hon. Thinking of you

((( Rainbowzz )))

I've been with my girlfriend for a fair amount of time now, and if it's any consolation, I feel like that a lot. For me, it comes with not really seeing what someone else could see in me as well as not being very used to having someone stay with me for a long length of time.

Thankfully with she she reassures me which helps, but just wanted you to know you're not alone in those feelings. Take care.

*bump*

Just bumping for more responses Thank you all for the kind advice.