[Locust]

*May trigger: Abandonment, mention of body part (nothing perverse, but I am just being extra cautious here), being alone, death, etc.*

I don't know why I am posting this- yes, I do. I need to vent. But I'm not looking for any, "It will get better" replies, because you know what? It won't. It honestly won't.

I was always such a romantic as a kid. I knew people fought, I knew things weren't perfect, but I believed in love....real love. Now, I am so jaded and bitter. I honestly think people that aren't cynics about love are either blind to the truth, or they've seen it and are just living in intense denial. I don't want to BS myself. I never was great at that, anyway, I don't think. Of course, maybe I BS'd myself into believing that I'm bad at BS'ing myself- lol.

Anyway, my parents divorced, and my mother divorced multiple times. I saw other people do it after many years of marriage. But I still told myself I could have love. To tell the truth, due to emotional numbing issues, and negative self esteem both, I often worried I could never have love. But it was something I wanted so much, that I couldn't just tell myself it couldn't be. I had to believe it was possible for me despite my issues. Now, I don't think it is truly possible for ANYONE. I just don't believe love is real. I believe there is a thing we call love when we feel it, but that it in no way fits the definition we give to love. I think it's all about survival and procreation. I think it's a giant biological joke, and no one's laughing with us, the universe is laughing at us.

Yeah, most people get hurt and go on. Well, I'm going on. But I'm not going to BS myself like everyone else does. Love is BS. I don't want to believe that, but I will not lie to myself about it, either. And even if love isn't BS, I am not loveable. Men do not love me. They never have, never will. Well, my grandpa did, but that's a diff. kind of love. He did love me, though, but he died when I was young. Both my grandpas did. All my uncles and I grew apart as I aged- well, the ones that lived grew away from me, anyway. A couple of them died, instead. Then, dad just abandoned me. I don't think he ever loved me. It's difficult for me to believe that, but it's the only explanation I can come up with, honestly. He never loved me. He's a fantastic actor, apaprently. Congratulations, dad, you deserve a freaking award for best actor. Then there was one man I believed loved me, but he left, as well. I still think he loved me- what people call love anyway- and I him, but he left, and we will never be together that way again, I don't think.

Now, it seems like all my relationships are built to die. I am made to die alone. I swear I think I am honestly meant to die alone. I honestly believe that, and nothing anyone can say will make me feel differently. In fact, if you think otherwise, you're most likely just sadly mistaken. I wish you weren't. I hope you're not. But I think you are. I'm going to die alone or living a lie. Pick one.

I have about 3 best friends and another person whom I'd like to consider a best friend, but I don't think they feel that way. I also have a couple more casual friends. Of my 3 best friends, one recently married and has a step-child. One is engaged and soon to be wed. The other is in a bad situation, like myself. Just nothing works out for her, I guess. But she has decided that if she doesn't get married, she will have a kid one way or another. The one I'd like to consider a good friend is also married and a parent. Out of the casual ones, one is like me. Not as hurt, but every bit the cynic. Says she will die alone just like me. The other is engaged, soon to be wed. The other has been hurt a lot, but I really think he's gonna get married and be a father some day, and he still has hope for that. I know the married ones and ones in relationships don't have it perfect. But I think they'd honestly prefer their lives to mine. I think they're glad they're married and have kids, or at the very least, glad they have kids.

In less than a year one of my best friends, a cousin of mine (not mentioned above), and another friend of mine are all getting married. One of my best friends got married earlier this year. Two of my cousins had children earlier this year, as well, and two are pregnant. I also heard that one of my sisters I no longer see is pregnant or a mother. Not sure which. It sucks to see all of this lately, knowing I am dieing alone. I don't wish them ill. I am happy my married friend is happy. I hope everything works out for all of them. I just wish I wasn't so alone. It just reminds me of what I will never have. My cousin has asked me to be in the wedding. I am touched she asked, and at the moment, I am stable enough over this issue to do it.

I am upset right now, though. I mean, I am going to die alone. I am dieing alone. I really, really am. I will never be loved. I want to know why? What is so wrong with me? I don't believ ein love, anyway, but apparently no one can even feel this BS emotion for me! If I don't die young, I may very well be on my death bed with no one around me, but nurses. And I hate being around nurses and doctors, anyway- well, not nearly as much as I used to, but I sure don't like them. No offence- it isn't the people. Just have a fear of medical settings.

I had wanted so much for things to not be this way. It is the only way that they can be. I know I could have a child, but it wouldn't be right for me. I don't judge people for having kids, and the human race wouldn't go on if no one did. Yet, it seems to me this world is overpopulated, anyway. Why should I add to that problem? Also, my children may have wonderful lives, but the truth is, I can promise them suffering and death, but not joy. I can't protect them from everything. Why bring something into this world to suffer and die, never knowing if it will be happy or miserable, have a good life or a terrible one?

Also, there are so many kids who are already here who have no one to love them. It makes more sense to me, to just love one of them and give them a home. But I can't adopt kids. My life is mess and it's my fault. I'm an idiot. Even if I could adopt, I'd like the kids to have a daddy, like I don't, but they wouldn't have a daddy because I'm never gonna be married. In fact, they wouldn't have grandpas, either....or uncles. They wouldn't have a dad, so he couldn't contribute a paternal grandpa or paternal uncles. I don't have any brothers, so they'd have no uncles at all. I don't have a daddy, so they wouldn't have a grandpa, at all. My grandparents are dead, also, so they wouldn't have great grandpas. They wouldn't have a dad, a grandfather, a great grandfather, or uncles. I think kids should have some older male family member in their lives to love them, so they don't go through their lives not knowing that some men are good men, and so that they can know they are loveable- loveable to men and women both.

Plus, what if my temper came back? I really don't think I'd ever physically abuse a child. I don't even have a tendency to strike adults unless attacked physically first. Yet, I may be hateful with them verbally. I don't want to be a grouchy mother. And it would be so difficult to give them the attention they needed when I would have to work and there would be no daddy at home with them while I was gone. I think it is fine for both parents to work, but I just fear I'd have to work a lot since it'd be a one person salary raising them, and I'd have no time for them. Also, for the first little bit of their life, I want to be home so I can breastfeed. No, I can't have kids. And anyway, if I had biokids, I might give them crappy genes. I also would be considered a high risk pregnancy. And any ways, what if I adopted a kid, and still felt depressed all the time? I think it would be difficult to do for them like I'd need to. I know depressed people can be great parents, too, but I just worry it would make my raising them alone even more difficult. Plus, then I'd be trapped into living and trying to go on.

Oh, I wish I wasn't meant to live and die alone. Everyone keeps telling me things will change, and I never know what the future holds. They're right. I don't know the future, but I know this much. I am dieing alone, or I will die living a BS lie, being with someone just to be with them. It's one or the other, and I think I'd prefer to die alone than die living a BS lie. Oh, how I wish I had another option. People really don't get it. They don't believe it. They're used to most people having kids, getting married. They can't believe I will die alone. I know better.

[silentandscared]

((((((((((((locust)))))))))))))))

because we carexxx

[eskielover]

You know something really crazy.....it is wonderful to live alone & not have someone always fighting with you or trusting them to tell you information you need only to find it completely wrong.

I believe in love, but it's a different kind of love....it is not a love that comes from other people as they are incapable of true love.

I have my 6 american eskimo doggies, my horses, my friends that are more true friends than the husband I am married to & separated from, & most importantly, my religion.

When I look at my MOthers death a few years ago & wonder where she would have been if I hadn't been there at the time to try & protect her (she went through horrible abuse from the home care person). But then I look at my 90 year old friend who has never been married & has her 10 acre farm with horses, emus & llamas. In her younger days, she actually fenced her farm herself, ran her water system to her barn......when I look at her, I know that I can do it alone & that I will be ok alone & the true fact is that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING ALONE. It is a blessing.

Debbie

[curley]

I have always been a romantic too. I understand where you are coming from. It seems I have rather bad luck in love too. My loves have always been good with words, but as the saying goes, "actions speak louder then words"
I think love is what most people want. But finding the person to give it to us is the difficult part. I am sorry you have the feelings you have. Obviously I can not say you are wrong for them or that your belief is not real. I just hope it is not. I still hope one day someone will love me like I should be loved. Not just for a day or because I can do something for or give something to them.
I guess I still am a romantic, and believe in the white picket fence, a dog in the yard and all that stuff. Good luck to you. If you decide you want it, I hope you find real or true love.

[SeptemberMorn]

I'm a cynic, too, Locust. I've experienced most of the things you've mentioned and then some. I still believe in love. I believe it's an action and not so much a feeling. Guess I'm a romantic at heart, but I've given up trying to find it for myself. For me, it wasn't meant to be; not what I understand that love is. Oh... well...

[ScaredSad]

I'm not a romantic and I've never been a romantic so I admire your sense of being able to hold on the ideal of love as a child. I didn't see romance in my house. I saw Mom chasing Dad with an axe, a hammer, and various other sharp things during her off time from abusing me. I've never sat and dreamed of a fairy tale ending so I'm not really struggling with any disillusionment in my own life.

What I do struggle with is, in some ways, similar to your situation. I see all of the ways I'm still unable to thrive and I know that getting into a relationship right now would be a huge mistake because I'm not "fixed." On the flip side, I know I need support and a relationship could provide that and while I have no thoughts that it would "fix" me... it might offer me a reason to fix myself during the darkest days.

I don't have anything to offer except minor commiseration. I can't even offer you full empathy because I'm ok with being alone. I like being alone a lot. It's so much more peaceful than the way I spent the first 2/3 of my life that I enjoy the silence and the freedom. I enjoy only being responsible to myself at night... and my cats.

I have had relationships with men; 2 of which were long term and led to engagements but I ended one after 3 years and one after 2 years. I have no regrets. It was absolutely the right decision at the time as I was in my early 20's for one and mid 20's for both and am now almost 30 and just now feel responsible enough to take on lifelong comittment. So, I have been loved.... not just by those guys, by some really good people who were friends before I walked away. Love scares the pee out of me.... being loved scares the pee out of me. There's this pain that is the counter of love... and I feel like I'm so fragile that one more ounce of pain will shatter me into a billion pieces.

I'm rambling, sorry, I'm exhausted and I have to be up at 5 in the morning and I'm already stressed about the week ahead... sorry to take it out on your post.

Stay strong if you can... thanks for sharing.