Confused, betrayed and Hurt

Hi Everyone,

I am new here and was directed to this forum. I have been married for 18yrs. I found out in June that my husband has had a "friendship" with a co-worker. He swears there was no sex, but I simply cannot believe that. He says he wants to work things out and he truly loves me. Here is my dilemma... Trust never came easy to me. It was not until the last 3 years did I truly believe he would not cheat on me. Not only did I question his relationship with this person but he gave me the old line..."we are just friends". Well since all of this came out, I have realized he has developed (recently) a HUGE drinking problem. Like he is hiding bottles of rum in his car, boat, garage, you name he has hidden it there. I have found viagra in his car. I never knew he had viagra. He lied about where he got it then tells me it was for us. He told me he will not be rude to this person but will not contact her unless it is for business. She has been transferred to a location away from his but closer to our house! I am trying to work on the trust. I find myself snooping and spying all the time. I am seeing a counselor. He was seeing a counselor but has since stopped. We bought a marriage program to do at home...it has been 2 months and we have sat together to work on it 1 time. I have read 3/4 of the book and decided I am not doing this alone. We have had some times where we were able to reconnect but if I try to talk about how I am feeling, he gets an attitude. I am sooo confused. Any advice???

I hate to play Devil's Advocate, but he should try to prove to you that it isnt what it seems to be. I tried to have my wife do the same, but since she hid ALOT of things from her "guy friends" and in fact they were more than friends, I knew.

I forget who told me this but it has proven right over and over again- "A person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing"

welcome to pc CL! glad to have you join us. while reading your post, two things really "popped" out to me. first was the drinking and then the viagra. have you noticed that he has had any difficulties being intimate? sorry to ask this personal question, but he may be experiencing some difficulties in that area and has not felt comfortable sharing it with you. does he has a history of alcohol abuse? it concerns me that he is hiding the bottles, which signals that he may be or becoming an alcoholic. does he suffer from depression? or going through unusually high stress at work maybe?

in regards to his "friendship", i am not sure what to tell ya. have you tried marriage counseling? i agree that you shouldn't be alone in making the effort to save your marriage. he has to step up to the plate as well. i hope that things work out.

Heyyy,

I know the feeling as I was recently in the exact same boat as you just a few short weeks ago.

Instead of thoroughly explaining what we went through (that's what i feel inclined to type here o.O) i'm going to just get to how we handled the situation.

Firstly, I see a relationship as two best friends sharing their life experiences with each other. The best way to do that is through communication. If you can talk about anything with SOMEBODY, it should be this person.

Let him know just how uncomfortable it makes you knowing that he has this "friendship" with this other person and that it's taking it's toll on you emotionally.

A healthy and successful relationship lives and dies not by the sword, but by communication. (I read that somewhere) If he see's your feelings are truly hurt by this friendship with this other person, he'll do the respectul thing and make it stop.

Ask him if the tables were turned, how he might feel. Reassure him that you would never put him in this type of situation (Nobody wants to hurt the person they love) and that you're just looking for an honest answer.

Point out to him that you've read this book (or some or part) and he's not put forth any effort.

If your suspicisions are true, and I sincerely hope that they're not, it's going to take a great effort on both of your parts in order to save what you have. Point that out as well.

I hope that all works out for the best!