[iamtwilight]

i feel like i'm paralyzed.

ok. so the deal is this:

i've been dating my bf for well over a year now. we live together. we've had several discussions about this, but every time i see him talking to a girl on the internet i get all paranoid and jealous. especially when he always is on the computer, and rushes to see if a download has completed (he just got a new hard drive lol, is enthusiastically filling it)...

but i think "he would rather talk to her, omg, what do i do"

and every time i see a messenger window i get jealous because he is anxiously checking out if there's a new message. i know he's working out some booking stuff (he's a musician) with a lady who has a club, and this is something he is really looking forward to because he's finally getting the attention he deserves.

ok, i make it sound like he's treating me bad.

it's not like he doesn't give me attention. he does, but every time he lets go, i feel bad.

like i said, we've discussed this many times. i have completely let my guard down, even though i didn't want to. it's like every time he goes away, or goes online, everything he said fades away.

i'm just wondering if there's anything i can do to calm myself? i'm not working with a therapist, just seeing a psych nurse. actually, i just had my first appointment today after moving in with him.

basically i'm not just jealous of his friends, or those girls he talks to, i'm jealous of him too. ok - that is a self-esteem issue, that should be left for the self-esteem forum.

it's just that... these past few weeks, i've fooled myself into thinking that i am ok with myself. i'm not. i'm most certainly not.

thanks for listening & any advice is welcome.

twilight

[CedarS]

Can you get into therapy too? That would help a lot.

For now can you make sure that you have healthy things to do to keep yourself occupied? You can create a plan to experiment with, make a list of things you can do when you feel a twinge of possible upset concerning your boyfriend's activities.

You can even post regularly about your work on developing new habits.

[theama]

I'm the exact same way, though I have paranoid PD. My bf can say and do sweet things, but as soon as he talks about another woman - I forget all of the sweet things, and I think he's cheating.

It's REALLY hard to get over those paranoid thoughts, it's a constant struggle. I find myself slipping back into paranoia cos of trivial things, and I have to slap myself out of it and force myself to focus on the nice things. I write down the nice things he say to me and the things he do, and it adds up - so when I feel paranoid I just read it and it calms me down somewhat.

I compare the paranoid thoughts to flies buzzing all around me, whispering lies in my ears. You need a flyswatter.

My advice/battleplan:
1. Learn how to notice when a paranoid thought starts telling you lies
2. Don't argue with the paranoid thoughts, don't start saying "but this" and "but that" - just stick your fingers in your ears and go "lalalalala I can't hear you, lalalalala". Not your actual ears, but you know what I mean.
3. Don't let the paranoia take over your thoughts; don't let it go so far that you can't stop thinking about it. Keep your mind occupied on other things.
4. This is what was incredibly hard for me; find out WHY you're paranoid. For me, it was because of traumas and too many heartaches, and I was trying to sabotage for myself. Before you know the reason behind it (everything has a reason behind it, disorder or not), you can't begin fixing it or at least trying to control it. I had to pick on old wounds and it was really painful, and I had to map my life and scratch my brain for two weeks (alone on a soulsearching journey) before I was able to say "Oh...". It was like I was laying a huge jigsaw puzzle, and I had all the pieces - but I was missing that one piece that connected them all. Then I found it, and then it made sense.
5. Granted that step 4 was successful; tell your man about what you discovered.
6. Every time you notice your paranoia, just tell yourself that you know why you're thinking that way - and you'll notice the paranoia is much easier to deal with.

According to your profile, you have schizoaffective disorder, and sadly paranoia and delusions are a part of that. But I have delusions (delusional jealousy) and paranoia as well, and I try my damnedest to keep it controlled. If you can't figure out why you're paranoid, it's a lot harder. I still get paranoid thoughts, but I stick my fingers in my ears and try to ignore them.

It's hard as helm, but the fight is worth it. Also, talk to your bf about it and tell him about things that he does that triggers the paranoia - and ask him to stop doing it. I did that with my bf (took a couple times before he got it), and it's soooooo much easier now. And he tries his best to include all details about his whereabouts so that it won't give me a reason to worry; cos he knows that I won't tell him and that I'll just end up feeding the paranoia if he doesn't give the details.

[iamtwilight]

(((CedarS))) - thanks! I've been wanting to go to therapy for about 6 months now, and constantly ask about it - until now, I've been told that I'm not in a good place emotionally. Today I told the new psych nurse it's my number 1 priority right now, and she agreed that it is a good idea. Maybe sometime soon!

(((theama))) - you are an angel! Thank you so much for taking time to write that down. A very good list!


Twilight

[salukigirl]

i completely agree with theama. my boyfriend admitted to me about a lie he had told about a girl he talked to. he said he didnt want to tell me because he knew i would get upset and it was nothing to get upset over. well after that it was like every time i heard that cell phone go off it was "oh my god its her. and hes lying to me about it again". so i just said "ever since you told me that im scared that youre always talking to her and just lying to me about it" and he was very understanding. apologized several times for lying about it (the lie didnt even go a day lol) and has offered up pretty much anything to make me feel better. since he did that i know hes not going to lie about it anymore but i still get those thoughts sometimes. and all i do is think to myself "every time you have thought this was going on you have been proven wrong. so why would this time be any different?" and it helps.

point being, he got that lying to save my feelings is not worth it and stopped doing it. and if he is sweet like you say then he will understand and help you through it.

[iamtwilight]

(((salukigirl))) thanks for sharing your experience. Talking about it indeed does help, but maybe only for a few days. Anyways, I'm trying out theama's list, and keeping myself occupied whenever these thoughts surface.. Which seem to be a lot more often now that I saw him talking to that girl.

Arrrrgh. He is ok with me talking to my male friends, and I don't feel a thing for them, I don't want to be anything more but just friends with them. So I don't get why it's so difficult for me to accept that he has the same kind of relationship with his female friends.

(But telling myself that over and over again is somewhat helpful.)

[theama]

\o/ wooh, I'm glad I could be of some help.
Salukigirl, I know what you're saying about that lying-thing. My bf admitted to lying about one, insignificant, thing - but ever since then I've been all "If he lied about something as trivial as that, what else is he lying about??" and that's when the espionage starts. I don't know if you've experienced catching yourself spying on your man, I hope it doesn't go that far for you. =/

But yeah, HONESTY is so important in a relationship if one is paranoid. To me, it doesn't matter if the truth will hurt - cos at least I'd know that he was honest, and the chance of me thinking that he's lying about something else is smaller. It's better to be hurt by the truth than to gain satisfaction from the lie.

[salukigirl]

Yeah I havent gone to the point of "spying" I wouldnt say. Im a delivery driver so sometimes I take deliveries to his neighborhood and every time I drive past his house Im like "no car in the driveway...." lol (he doesnt have a car so if there was a car there is when I would get worried). But Ive never snooped through his phone or anything like that. Now hes getting really mad at himself because he knows he cant get upset when I ask him "you promise you werent really with her?" but it aggravates him because he really wasnt.

Oh and then yesterday she texted him about her current boyfriend and how hes distancing himself from her. and i was like "well obviously she WANTS you to know theyre on the rocks" so he texted her back that he didnt want to hear about it, showed it to me and everything lol

But I agree that I would much rather hear the truth and be hurt. Because if I get hurt from the truth it takes me about 1/3 as long to get over the hurt as it does to get over the hurt of being lied to by a loved one.

Im sure the trust will also get better with time. You might just need to see several times that your thoughts were irrational before it sinks in that hes not doing anything y'know?