[isconfuzzled]

I've been trouble accepting that my bf has sex with his ex. they were together about a year a while back.

The relationship is well over.
There's no chance of him going back to her, and I completely believe this.
But they did have sex. The bf is my first. We have had sex now.

Am I being unreasonable?
I just... can't seem to accept the fact no matter what I do. I love him, I really do... but

them together - I feel like they broke up only because it was necessary, he was thinking of long term with this ex.

I dunno
i'm confused

[e_sort]

do you mean that you can't accept you weren't his first?

[RomanSunburn]

I think I know what you mean...

I've been with my boyfriend for three years. We're long distance, and dont spend a whole lot of time physically together. We also haven't done a whole lot sexually. The thing that upsets me is that he has gone further with girls he's dated or hooked up with before than with me. He's my first everything, we'll i'm not his for anything, even though we're the longest relationship he's ever had. Of course I can rationalize all this and tell myself that he cares about me and doesn't want to upset me and that's why we take things slow. But in my head it makes me feel really unwanted and unattractive and all this other crap.

I think you and I probably have similar feelings about our boyfriends pasts, even though it's a bit different. I think it probably leads back to dperession, anxiety, or low self-esteem. I dont have any advice, but I dont want you to feel alone with what you're going through.

Ro

[isconfuzzled]

thank you both

Roman, that's exactly it, except at this point now we've done as much together as they did except not been together as long as they had been.

The other problem that has come up, is in reading some old posts and random stuff... I feel weird that he kept connection after she broke up with him. She had sex with someone, and then they broke up. The relationship was ending neways.
They didnt talk for a while, he says he was upset for a bit then moved on over time. But they continued to talk fairly shortly after. They'd act like normal friends again. I guess it's weird becuase he didn't stop caring for her (as a friend) and it doesnt feel like "i'm the only one" sometimes, because he's done everything first, and even my first kiss was with him

I now feel sometimes that my firsts were almost taken away because we did not share them. The relationship between them is DEFINITELY over, but I still feel bad about it.

The though of them together makes me shudder
It makes me want to disconnect from everything it makes me so sda

I just don't know what to do bout it

[Perna]

It almost sounds to me like by looking at their relationship you're making sure not to look too hard at your own. My husband is my "first" but he was married for almost 20 years and has 3 children and his ex and I are now friends (we're at almost all the same family social occasions together). My husband divorced her, she complained a lot and said he didn't make her happy (not his job). I think of her in terms of "what an idiot to let someone as wonderful as him go" :-)

There's no competition going on, you have "won". Now you need to pay attention to your relationship and your hopes and fears for that relationship. Could be you are afraid you will split up like they did? But you're a different person than she is. Only the "external" things are the same.

See if you can find what internal things/firsts are worrying you. It is easy for me, when I'm afraid, to try to make myself more comfortable by looking at "practical"/external things. It could be the intimacy of the relationship, a first for you, is kind of overwhelming so you're doing the comparing with what went before, only they broke up! That can't be too comforting as you don't have the experience yet to know about breaking up and why/whether it will/will not happen to you, etc.? Instead of helping you feel better, comparing is scaring you worse? Stick to your own, true fears (the intimacy of the relationship) and what happened with them might not be so upsetting and you'll be practicing working within your own relationships with other people instead of "out there" with things that aren't part of you.