[NeyKay]

It’s really hard to know where to start here, but I’ll give it a go.

I’m a 44 year old woman that has been married for 27 years now, raised to wonderful kids and a Grandmother to one. I’ve survived many things in my lifetime and apparently am continuing to battle something I didn’t even know I was fighting with

I wrote this a couple of years ago when my husband and I were married for 25 years. This may give you a summarized idea on what my life has been.

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Born to parents who were adolescent and unknowing.
Love was not something that was shared, encouraged, or even showing
Morals and values were never followed in this family of mine
Very early in life I lifted myself up and left them all behind.

Leaving me young, lost, and on my own to find my way.
Living in the streets and learning life day by day the hard way.
I begged, borrowed and tried to find a new and different means
Met shady people, dodged lots of close calls on the streets in my teens.

Life got harder as time went on, the police got involved and they were just as bad
They locked me away in a cell which just made me even more mad
They didn’t see that I was trying to break away from a life of insanity
After some time locked behind those bars I lost all hope for humanity

Little by little I began to see that these places were not meant for me
No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t make them all see, so again and again I’d flee
A whole other world was what I envisioned somewhere happy, free, and new
But every time I’d get away they’d lock me up again it all just made my hatred brew

Men with their dirty undesirable intentions hovering around me like a bee finding honey
These men offered everything to get what they wanted jewelry, love, and lots of money
Everyone I encountered tried to take advantage, leaving me to not trusting a soul
Making me more determined than ever to maintain my own sense of control

Woman were no different in the way they played the game they were all the same
Every human being wanted to pick me apart as far as I could see they were all to blame
I knew what they wanted and what they were thinking before they could proceed
Nothing they could say to sway me I’d seen all the dirty deeds in my own family

I went through the days avoiding people because they were crooked and crude
Sleeping outside hungry and cold, when my only wish was to have a bite of food
Sitting near the river crying in the rain never knowing what tomorrow would bring
Thinking to myself “this is my life” can this truly be the real thing.

I didn’t ask to be brought to this world that was someone else’s mistake
I was the one that was stabbed in the back just trying to survive for my own sake
I was not a bad person, I was merrily consumed by a world I didn’t seek.
All I was trying to do was make the best of a life which seemed nothing but bleak

A time came when I could stand it no longer I made a call for help to my mother
I pleaded no cops, no homes she sent me far away to live with my grandmother
A loving and gentle soul is the best way to describe this strong wonderful woman
She taught me to live, love, and trust because there is good in some women and men

Then a day came when I met a wonderful man solid and strong
This is the man who held out his hand and wanted to help me along
I knew love as soon as it shined it was so kind, warm, and bright
I felt deep in my heart that it was going to ok, it would all be alright

We started out so young and moved from place to place just the two of us
Just living day to day was so exciting and so adventurous
We’ve experienced so many good things together me and him
We made crazy fun decisions and lived life on a carefree whim

We had so much laughter along the way, we settled in to start our own family one day
We had a son who was handsome and proud soon a beautiful daughter came our way
We raised them with all the love we could give in a solid and stable home
We protected them with all we had and treated them like a King and Queen on a thrown

One day my husband suggested we go to college to get our degrees
Due to my lack of education I had to start out with my GED
I’m proud to say that I have a professional career programming now
With all my accomplishments in life it really makes me stand proud

I've traveled a road with this man for most of my life.
Remaining beside him for all these years as his fortunate wife.
We’ve raised our children into happy, caring, loving adults
Never looking back, never regretting, always happy with the results.

The family I left behind plays the same old games of peekaboo
Still uncaring people behaving worse than you’d expect from animals at the zoo
I’m ok with it all because I know who I am in life; I’ve made my way
Now it is they who beg forgiveness as they sit in their troubled lives and pray


I was very happy content and strong at that point of my life. My childhood was never discussed after the first six months of marriage and we went on to have our children and get busy with out lives. Our children are grown and we are now empty nesters, and I lost my Grandmother (My only family member as far as I’m concerned). My husband ignored my loss and did not support me at all. We started growing quickly away from each other due to my hurt and his inability to empathize (Even though he was still grieving his father’s death from two years prior).

It’s like my pain and what I was going through was not acceptable. He kept telling me “She was old you knew the day would come” “Why are you crying? You’re ruining our time together” “Are you still not over that” This was all being said with in the first month of her death. Little by little I started keeping my feelings to myself and not sharing anything with him. I thought I was going to blow up and finally found my way into a therapists office. Me and the therapist started chipping away at my childhood and now a year later he just confessed to me that when he first met me he thought he would have to hospital me within a couple of months. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder). After some time we started talking about my husband and myself like his behavior towards me. My therapist started becoming concerned with our lives together saying things like “Control Issues”, "Emotional Abuse" “Sex Addict”, and possible “Narcisitic behavior”. Little by little I studied and learned the signs and started seeing it all myself.My husbands behavior started becoming more and more Dr. Jeykll, Mr. Hyde like and I started withdrawling even more.

I’d never had friends outside of my husband and my therapist was encouraging me to find female friends so I did. I’ve worked with a nice young lady for eight years now and she is very sweet, so we decided to start walking together on Saturdays. The first Saturday we met up we walked 5 miles together, and when I got home my husband left without a word for 4 hours and moved out the very next day. He stayed gone for 3 days but constantly called and begged me to come home crying for hours on the phone even though I’d never asked him to leave. Knowing how much he hates therapist I took the opportunity to tell him he could come home but I wanted him to see my therapists with me at least once.

We went to the therapist and my husband confirmed all the things I’d told him in prior sessions. The names he’s called me the emotional withdrawl when I don’t provide sex, and everything else that I told him was all validated in two sessions. My therapist told my husband to find a marriage counsler to work with us. Suprisingly he did and we’ve going for a month now and he’s blown up on her twice already and said he’ll be too busy for therapy comes January. He keeps threating to leave me. We have not been intimate for 3 months now. He says you show me no appreciation. I said I always show you appreciation he said no I mean the kind of appreciation a woman shows her husband. I’m sorry I can’t be intimate when my heart is not there. We had an extremely active good sexual life for many years, but now I’m not there anymore. When I first told him several months ago that I was only being sexual for his benefit and that my heart wasn’t there he said “Thank you! I appreciate it” not long after I just stopped altogether. Now he throws temper tantrums trying to get me to give in. He says he’s upset and crazy because I have problems if I didn’t then he’d be ok.

I know this is a lot to read and I’m sorry, but I sit here confused more today than even during my childhood. The world as I knew it no longer exists. The husband that I have worshipped and love for so long now hurts me beyond belief. I’ve developed an anger and resentment towards him that I’m not sure I can shake. My therapist recommends a separation. Now I’m second guessing my therapy.

[cantstopcrying]

((((((((((NeyKay))))))))) I am so sorry I didn't see this until today. I don't usually go into the relationship forum and usually skip anything that is in there because it tends to trigger me, but I saw you had no replies yet and wanted to let you know a couple things. First off I'm so glad you found us here at pc. I hope you will discover a lot of helpful information and resources. As well as all that, you'll find that the people here are amazing! Also, please take the opportunity to read back through old posts, usually someone will have had some experience similar to what you are going through--you aren't alone. If you have any questions, please message a community liason or moderator. I'm not good on relationship advice but I do want to say that your husband definately has something going on that he needs to work through. Possibly your therapist suggested a seperation because he's worried about the emotional abuse, and the controlling. YOU are his first priority and you should be yours, too.

[NeyKay]

Thank you for your response.

I guess what I'm looking for here is some validation that I'm not going crazy, but that his behavior is not right. I know it sounds nuts but I'm second guessing everything now a days.