I am confused

I have been dating a wonderful woman that I met through a personal ad for just over five months. She is a wonderful woman.... bright, attractive, passionate, sexy, funny, caring... she is everything that I wanted to find in a lover. She started dating me shortly after her husband moved out. At first I thought better of dating a woman "on the rebound", but I really wasn't looking to fall in love. Trouble is I DID fall in love with her, and she tells me that she loves me as well.

We both have two children each. She has a son 11 nad a daughter 9. I have a 17 year old son and 12 year old daughter. We have purposely not introduced each other to our kids. I won't do that until I know the relationship has some staying power. I realized for her kids they were still coping with the emotional trauma of their parents splitting up and I have not pushed meeting her kids, nor will I.

The problem came up this past weekend when I suggested to her that my summer schedule is very busy as my daughter plays tournament softball. Most weekends are filled with softball games and I never miss any of them. I suggested to her that by then it may be a good idea for us to be "more integrated" into each other's lives and that it would be great if she attended the games with me on occasion.

Well, she freaked out. And, it nearly was the end of the relationship. Still might be for that matter. I simply don't see the big deal in coming to a game as my friend. She wants no part of seeing or meeting my ex wife (we have been divorced for 5 years), or my daughter. Now granted I know this whole divorce thing is a bit new to her, but for the life of me I don't understand why this was such a huge issue for her. I asked her abouit and she said she is just not ready to integrate into each other's lives... it is too soon for her. Well, we have been dating over 5 months and I am good enough to go out with, talk on the phone, enjoy each other's company and sleep together. I am just very perplexed about this and wonder if I am wise to continue this relationship.

VETT: From past experience, I'd say that five months is probably not long enough to really know a person. And it's disastrously soon to expect a woman to decide on a new relationship when she's still in the rebound state.

I feel it's always wise to protect children from becoming attached to persons who might be abruptly leaving their lives at any time. In fact, I'd never begin to integrate lives until the decision has been made to marry, with the reservation that it has to work out with the children in order for there to be a marriage.

What's the rush? If this is going to fall apart, better it do so without hurting the children emotionally. Am I wrong to think that it would be loving and mature to give this wonderful woman whatever space and time she needs? And why would you want to push her into dealing with an "ex" --- when she still needs to get to know you more? I think that the union of two people who both have ex spouses and the issue of child support in the equation is very difficult at best.

I think it's possible you may scare this woman away by making "integration" demands so soon.

Just my opinion.

Adieu

Hey Vette! We missed you! I got your PM -- that was funny!

Well, here's my two as a divorced (and now remarried!) person:
Summer is a long way off. If she's fresh out of her marriage, it might not be that she's opposed to the idea, but rather simply is getting through day by day. Seeing a relationship 6 months into the future might be a little more than she can proceess right now. Also, you have a very logical policy about not confusing the kids with introductions, but bringing her to a softball game as a 'friend' kind of contradicts the intentions. If you wanted to introduce her as a 'friend', you could do that now. Why wait for a softball game? Or, another perspective might be that she might be hurt at the idea that 6 months from now (and one year into the relationship), you wouldn't be ready to introduce her to your kids as more than a friend. Women think that way often but have a tough time expressing hurt feelings, sometimes seeming angry about something totally unrelated.

Anyway, glad to hear that things are going better for you. I was really worried about you, especially when you didn't reply to my PMs. Please keep in touch, ok?

Had lots of angles I hadn't thought of.