[reach]

I was having some difficulties managing my computer and all I said to my husband was "Do you think you could help?"

And I am absolutely certain that at that point, I did not have any single negative or blaming thoughts in my mind. But I was absolutely shocked when my husband took offense to that question and want to know what's wrong.

I was totally dumb founded and shock with his reaction. Of course I explained to him that I did not at all have any underlying negative emotions when I said that but he see it differently.

How could such an innocent simple kindly phrased question turned out to be seen as a hidden sarcasm.

I am not angry or anything but I want to understand it and thus need your comment and feedback. I would really appreciate it. Thanks

[AAAAA]

Maybe he was feeling guilty about something that he hasn't done. Or he had a bad day and was lashing out. I'm sorry that he reacted that way. Did you ask him why he reacted that way?

[reach]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

Maybe he was feeling guilty about something that he hasn't done. Or he had a bad day and was lashing out. I'm sorry that he reacted that way. Did you ask him why he reacted that way?

I did - I am the "why" person because I love understanding things. But he just insisted that the way I asked it sounded like there is something I am not happy about. So I say, how should I ask it then. He said nothing. And I said, I really got to ask people in the forum about this.

Thanks for your comment.

[bonaire]

It comes out in inflection. My wife talks to me like that - where she will ask a question and I feel such deep pain - and she says "all I wanted was information". Inflection, when used in discussion, is like a second language. Watch movies and tv - the artists there use inflection to decorate their words. Imagine watching a movie where talk had no inflection. It would be so uninteresting, "cardboard", boring.

Now, when is inflection hurtful to others? When it implies something. Your question about the computer implies that you expected him to react without being asked and you were questioning why he wasn't actually helping already. And, when you ask in such a way that hurts him - the nice thing is he asked what is wrong rather than feel hurt and walk off. Sounds like he has some good skills there to note it.

Questions that hurt (me, at least):
- "why would you do that?"
- "didn't you see I needed help?"
- "I told you already, weren't you listening?"

Stuff like that hurts because it can be taken as accusitory. I've worked pretty hard over the years to "sanitize" her words such that I look at the words, and not inflection. It's *very* hard to do. I love music. I hear stuff in music others don't. I love music with inflection. So, this may be why inflection touches me in such ways.

The guys on CarTalk (PBS) say this when they want a woman to ask for help (say this in a nice tone): "I'm in trouble and I really need your help." That'll come across well since you ask someone to help but make it sound like the help will be appreciated.

I think some folks should go through acting school when they're young so they can better understand the delicate nature of the spoken language. Look around for stuff out there. Youtube has some people talking about inflection:

[IaMsomeOne]

Originally Posted by reach

I was having some difficulties managing my computer and all I said to my husband was "Do you think you could help?"

And I am absolutely certain that at that point, I did not have any single negative or blaming thoughts in my mind. But I was absolutely shocked when my husband took offense to that question and want to know what's wrong.

I was totally dumb founded and shock with his reaction. Of course I explained to him that I did not at all have any underlying negative emotions when I said that but he see it differently.

How could such an innocent simple kindly phrased question turned out to be seen as a hidden sarcasm.

I am not angry or anything but I want to understand it and thus need your comment and feedback. I would really appreciate it. Thanks

This is the right question but none of these posts apply to my situation and here, no one will know what I want to say and how I feel. I need advice.

[IaMsomeOne]

Sorry, I don't have a reply but DO have a problem and it hurts me....a lot!
My sister is about to come and stay with my partner & I for a few days, perhaps more, I don't know. She wants to think about whether she wants to separate from her spouse. She has multiple emotional disorders as well as physical health problems.
Monday night while discussing her and my BIL with my partner, he basically said that he's surprised his BIL has stuck it out as long as he has with my sister (this yr will be their 3rd. yr of marriage). He also added that no man would be able to handle her moods. Recently my partner and my BIL have bonded and next week, both men are going to a city an hour's drive south. My partner will be asking, maybe point blank, what's going on with their marriage.
My partner told me Monday night, "I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel."
She's staying with us and my partner has a problem with hygiene, he HATES long hairs, especially hers. Plus, she'll be bringing her dog and cat and the dog, she sheds and the thought of her hair on the carpet, is mortifying to him.
My partner and I have hashed this out, quite a bit over the past several weeks.
The major problem with my BIL is that he won't open up emotionally and considers any questions as being "interrogated" so, needless to say, counselling hasn't worked because he doesn't see their marriage as having any problems. When they first met, he felt that sharing was a novelty and at some point, that abruptly stopped. He's not big on telling how he feels and that's become a major problem between them. He feels their marraige is okay as long as there are no "deep" conversations. I've tried explaining to my partner that in a marriage, it takes communication from both partners for a marriage to work.
My sister is a hyper sensitive individual and is easily hurt. BIL can be decent, loving, somewhat sensitive and caring but he can turn 360 degrees and blame her questions about them, on her. She hasn't been eating much if anything due to emotional stress and sleeps a lot if he gets verbally nasty, criticisms, putdowns. He's done it while my partner and I have visited, done it while visiting us.
I like him, did feel fond of him but HATE his behaviour.
I felt incredibly numb and my stomach very tense Monday night and was very quiet. Shocked is probably closer to what I felt. I told him if he gets an e-mail from both of them, that's okay cause she sends me the same e-mail but I also added that if he gets an e-mail from my BIL, I don't need to know about it. I added that if I get an e-mail regarding her stay here and what happens should she decide to live here while struggling to get back on her feet, I wouldn't send it to him. He's unfortunately, like his late mother, quite judgmental.

I'm sorry this isn't a response to those needing help re: the title communication - where did I go wrong? That is my question too.
Thanks if anyone's reading this. I really need to know how anyone feels about what was said by my partner and yes, he has a right to his opinion but he's so insensitive to what emotional issues are and how they affect people. I have many of the same but not to the degree she does. He told me, again, Monday, something like, well you don't act that way.

[tat2doc]

I agree with Bonaire to a point. I too had someone that would ask me for help if she had a problem. But it was like Bonaire explained - the tone of the question was semi sarcastic and demeaning. Like I should've known she needed/wanted help before she asked. And when she did ask, it was like I should've been a mind reader and known before she asked.

Well, part of me felt bad for not paying attention but the other part of me left her alone cause I figured she was in control of what she was doing.

Could be that he had something on his mind that he didn't tell you about. Could be a million different things. But how would you know? That's what communication is for.

I can't make a call cause I wasn't there, or able to hear both sides. But I definitely think a calm chat is in order to understand the why's and how comes. Can start with - "Hey honey, how come....."

Good luck!

[AAAAA]

You know we cannot control what you THINK our tone of voice says in YOUR mind. If I am busy/frustrated/annoyed/irritated and say something that doesn't mean I'm feeling those negative feelings toward whomever I am speaking to, more likely I'm frustrated with myself for having to ask for assistance.

Relationships are difficult enough without adding imaginary problems. To avoid this we ask each other something like "that came out harsh, what's the matter?" Usually it's something simple like he's had a bad day or I'm frustrated with what I'm doing. It works very well, I see my kids doing it too. It also opens the path for communication, if the reason is I've had a bad day then we can expand on that.

[reach]

Thanks Bionare, it's good to be able to see it from a different angle. Although I have absolutely no implication of that sort that you mentioned, I guess he reads it that way.

I guess I could say "I am sorry, although you might read it as such, I really don't have any negative implication when I asked you that question." And that's it - end of story.