[Umm_kelly]

I've been having problems with my mom for years now. We used to get into big screaming battles because of some small thing I said or did that ate at her all day. When she would come at me screaming (somtimes literally break my door lock and pull my blanket off of me while I was sleeping) I would scream right back. After she broke me down (emotionally) to the point that I could do nothing but sob (she hates it when I cry) she would storm out of my room and yell about me to the rest of my family. She would get them to agree how bad/wrong/stupid I was and how good/right/smart she was. She would continue to criticize me loudly to herself while she stormed around the house, and I sat in my room and cried. Eventually I learned to not even fight back. When she would start to scream at me I'd just sit there and cry (which she would scream at me even more for), and she would still go to my younger brothers/whatever current boyfriend for support. Even farther down the road I stopped crying, and I stopped caring. The yelling stopped for a long time after that. I didn't care about her at all that time, and when our dog (that we'd had since I was little) died, she finally noticed something was wrong with our relationship. She asked me why I never tried to comfort her or hug her during that time (she was a complete wreak, crying nonstop and not going to work. Which oddly enough are things that she "sees" in me and hates) I don't even remember what I said, but somehow she got me to give her the constant affection I normally give to people I care about and we were stable again. Very shortly after that I started dating a guy, (he's the one I've been posting about) and one night that he was at my house and we were asleep she started beating on my bedroom door at 7:30 in the morning. Not knowing what I could have possibly done this time, and extremely startled, I shot out of bed and ran to my door. I had never told my boyfriend about my less than satisfactory relationship with my mom, in fact I hadn't told any body at all because all of my friends love her and think she's awesome. So he was freaked out when she started screaming at me. Since it hadn't happened in a while I wasn't expecting it. She kicked my boyfriend out for the week (and please don't criticise me for sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend. I don't like sleeping alone, and it was something I did with him even when we were just friends, and actually I've basically dog piled into my bed with several people on several occasions and not in a sexual way at all) When she was screaming at me about all kinds of things she mentioned how kicking him out was the only thing she knew would hurt me. So I finally understood the silence on her part for so long. I hadn't been letting her in on my life, so she had no ammo with which to hurt me. That whole scene (understandably) made my boyfriend not want to be at my house anymore. And it was that day that things started to get rocky between us...

So, that's some of my history with my mom. Now yesterday she was trying to get me to read this book that apparently would explain her "parenting technique". All I could think about was two days ago when she made a casual comment about how her and dad always used to drive drunk with us in the car. After she said that, she laughed. It might also interest you to know that we lived next to pot dealers, and there probably wasn't a moment in my childhood where one of my parent's wasn't high. I've tried for years to understand and forgive her, but at this point I'm done with her. When I graduate I'm moving out to a city near my friends, and I'm not going to talk to her anymore. The wierdest thing is that even though she's always been extremely hard on me, she has never even come close to doing that to my younger (but still teenage) brothers. It's the same thing with our dad. He had been known to hurt my brothers (not to the point of broken bones, but he would shake them) but he never laid a hand on me in any way. I don't think, no matter how many times I read this book she wants me to, that I will ever understand her parenting methods. I'm sorry for this extremely long rant. I just needed to get that off my chest. Yesterday was a bad day for me and her, even though she'd never notice.

[turquoisesea]

(and please don't criticise me for sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend. I don't like sleeping alone, and it was something I did with him even when we were just friends, and actually I've basically dog piled into my bed with several people on several occasions and not in a sexual way at all)

just to get this out of the way - understood, am with you there it comfy!

I wanted to say your relationship with your mom reminds me in some ways of my relationship with my mom. She would yell at both me and my sister calling us bad and going to my dad for backup if we ever fought back - which we learned not to do. Well I dont think i fully ever did, and I suffered for it because she's focus her negative attention on me.

I want to say, that this is ... kind of emotionally abusive. I'm not saying to go against her, I honestly dont know what you can do at this point, I don't know what level school you're at , how old you are etc, but I wanted you to know, that what your mom is doing is wrong and abusive.

I'm sorry that I don't have much to offer other than hugs, and understanding

[cantstopcrying]

There is a great book called Toxic Parenting that may help.

[Rhapsody]

Been there with my mom and I had to break away from her in order to heal me -

[youOme]

I totally 100% understand and can totally relate. I have recently given up on the relationship with my mother for very similar circumstances. I sometimes think the best thing to do is to live your own life and she lives hers. But it's probably not the right thing to say. I just don't know what to do neither.... but I wanted to let you know that I understand and fully sympathise with your issue.

[Umm_kelly]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

I don't know what level school you're at , how old you are etc, but I wanted you to know, that what your mom is doing is wrong and abusive.

I'm 18 years old and in my last semester of high school, so she won't be a problem for me much longer. These last few months are going to be hard though. I've just been trying to pretend that I still like her (while I have to live with her) without telling her anything that's going on in my life. The effort of this is a bit straining, and I've almost gone off on her a couple of times. I'm mature enough to know, though, that I need to keep it together because things would be a lot worse if I openly showed my feelings about her.

I appreciate the understanding about the sleeping arrangements. There are some people around this website (not necessarily anyone in this forum) who wouldn't really understand, and I just didn't want anyone being rude to me about something that has nothing to do with my relationship with my mom. She did say to me once that she didn't care if I lost my virginity as long as I waited until I was 16, because that's when she lost hers...

[lesley99]

Toxic parents don't realise that they are toxic. They seem to just want to win a battle. I withdrew from my parents and did not want to tell them much either. I grieved about not having good relationship with my parents and felt neglected. In the end, my doctor suggested that it was quite normal to feel like that but to just move on, and not spend much time with them. I did just that, I was 18 at the time, and not living with them, but continued to feel their influence. They wanted me at home every weekend. My doctor's advice made sense as it didnt seem logical to subject myself to toxic relationships. I made the obligatory visits like Christmas, and then later that too was reduced. I now have an amicable relationship with my parents (one of them is a step father) and do not rely or expect too much out of them.

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by Umm_kelly

I'm 18 years old and in my last semester of high school, so she won't be a problem for me much longer. These last few months are going to be hard though. I've just been trying to pretend that I still like her (while I have to live with her) without telling her anything that's going on in my life. The effort of this is a bit straining, and I've almost gone off on her a couple of times. I'm mature enough to know, though, that I need to keep it together because things would be a lot worse if I openly showed my feelings about her.

I appreciate the understanding about the sleeping arrangements. There are some people around this website (not necessarily anyone in this forum) who wouldn't really understand, and I just didn't want anyone being rude to me about something that has nothing to do with my relationship with my mom. She did say to me once that she didn't care if I lost my virginity as long as I waited until I was 16, because that's when she lost hers...

aya! sorry about your mom but I really am glad you'll be getting out soon, hold onto that , keep working toward it.

[Safron]

There is no law except for the ten commandments that says we should honour our mother and father. I have had a problem with this for year.

Honour thy mother and father.

Why!!!!!!??????

Sound like your mother is dealing with some kind of personality disorder.

Your job is to take care of you.

Get out and make a life for yourself.

Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for thinking about yourself and your life.

Blessings and good luck.

[sunrise]

Kelly, just keep telling yourself that soon you will be done with school and can leave. Do you have a plan for moving out? Are you going to get a job after high school? Go to college? Get an apartment with friends?

Your post reminds me a lot of the situation with my own mother when I was your age. I moved 1000 miles away after high school and it felt so good to put those miles between us. During most of my teen years, I used to cut myself to deal with the stress and pain of the relationship with my mother. As soon as I moved away, voila, no more cutting! So leaving home fixed a lot of my problems, at least the immediate ones.

Today I live much closer to my mother and father, and am on OK terms with both. I'll never be really close to my mother, but we have a cordial relationship. I think she has mellowed out with age.

Hang in there, Kelly. I bet you are counting the days until you can leave--it's very, very close. And then you will be free.

[bonaire]

In all situations like this, it's not your fault. So, it is good that you didn't seem to have written that down in your big post. Good that you see she needs help (or changes).

Now, you may want to try to understand what happened to mom as she went through her alcohol and drug years. Brains change. Alcoholics can have rage-issues - anger issues that are brought out when they drink. On top of that, the drug issues of the neighbor can impact brain function. I suspect she has somewhat damaged her brain to the point of affecting relationships, including yours.

I was close with someone who is an alcoholic. Her one bad trait. She would be "sweet" during the day but she would drink a bottle of wine and turn into a anger-driven person who was just impossible to talk to. When you love someone who is emotionally changed by something they eat or drink, then you need to just realize that you need to protect yourself with boundaries and stick to it. As a child of a mom - it's hard to do the right thing since you know they support you, give you a home and feed you. I was "under my mom's spell" for the longest time knowing she would pay for my schooling, feed me and all that - and I had nowhere else to go. She was not abusive, just thought differently than I did and we didn't agree on important things in life.

Seek out strong friends or even school-sponsored help if available - just make sure you know that it's up to you to strengthen yourself against falling into the same traps she fell into. You do sound like a great person and you'll get through this.