[Locust]

Disclaimer: I don't think this is a big trigger thread, but it does deal with abandonment a tad. And feeling unworthy of love.

*SCREAMS* Okay, just needed to get that out. I have come to a conclusion. I am not good enough. Not for my father, not for me, not for my ex, not for the man I am with.....not for anyone. Not good enough. Deficient. Flawed. Inadequate. And at this moment, wishing I could spell.

I seriously seem to always end up with men who are either,
A. Prone to abandonment
B. Incapable of loving me
C. Run hot and cold/totally unstable (the old, approach avoidance, kids!)
D. All of the above

Now, I truly do not go out looking for this. I like other things about these guys, but this seems to be part of each package deal for some reason. If they are not that way when I get with them, they WILL end up that way. I go into relationships assuming the man I am with is "hidden crazy" if he is not "obviously nuts". Crazy is all well and good, but it's the instability in how they feel about me and our relationship, and how they approach it, that drives me bonkers. Or their issues with intimacy, etc.

So, if the guys I like are intimacy phobic, wall building, unstable, approach avoidant, abandonment prone people who cannot find it within them to love, why do I feel I am inadequate? Good question. But I do. I think I assume it is ME they can't love, rather than, "they can't love- period." And I don't just think I'm not their type...I think, if I was prettier, more intelligent, more creative, talented, etc., they could love me. I tell myself it is because I am lacking in some area that I am not loved.

I know deep down, I think, that it is NOT my fault dad abandoned me. I know it is a problem within him that caused it.....but sometimes.....sometimes I think, maybe it was PARTLY MY FAULT. Now, later, good sense returns and I KNOW it was NOT my fault- at all. But there are these lapses when I feel I helped push him away.

My friend asked me if I felt unloveable because dad didn't love me. I said that I felt unloveable. And maybe that was partially because of dad. But it prob. wasn't the entire reason. But yes, I think I am not loveable, nor worthy of love. Yet, there is this other side of me screaming, "Don't I deserve love?!" I know my mother loves me, as do some other family memebrs, and a few close friends. I think my ex loved me. But for the most part, I don't think men love me, with a rare few exceptions. And romantically, I think...just one has loved me and he apparently doesn't love me now like he once did. That would be my ex. Anyway, I also used to think if people could see inside me, they wouldn't love me anymore, which to me, meant they didn't really love me, anyway. I also only have one friend I feel I can trust to stay.

Now there is this guy and I don't think he loves me, but I want to know why. What is wrong with me? I hate myself for not being good enough. I want to scream at him- not in anger towards him, but in exasperation....and perhaps anger at my situation- "What is wrong with me? What the fu** is wrong with me?! Why am I not good enough for you?! Why am I never good enough for anyone?!" And then I think about it, and I think....wow, I'm really NOT good enough for him. But then other times, I get upset and start thinking they should be happy for what they have. Ugh. I know this guy would tell me it wasn't that there was anything wrong with me.....but there is. I am unloveable. I am not good enough.

[madisgram]

locust you are having a major battle in your head..... i used to feel the same way. intellectually you know thesse feelings of being unloveable are not true. on a feeling level you feel unloveable. did you know that feelings are not facts? they are based as you stated, on "old tapes" many times and hinder our feelings of self worth.
i'm wondering if you have a therapist? i found it helped me untangle the truths from the non-truths about myself. you have some insight on yourself already. i do believe, imho, that with the help of a T you can get past this stumbling block and realize that you are a person of worth and value. i believe that already about yourself, but as long as you have that "old tape" running it may not be believeable to you.
hope you will keep us posted and if you're not seeing a T consider seeing one so you can get past these feelings of inadequacy.
thanks for feeling comfortable posting about this with us. we do care and you do matter!!