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#1
Feb 28, 2009, 07:03 PM
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yesterday I found out I got into the University I wanted to get into. I was ecstatic...I told my mom and she turned my moment into hers. My bf and friends say I should be a writer. I told my mom this and she was saying how my dad always said she should be a writer. That she read fiction but would only want to write about non-fiction..she didn't even say anything about my writing...she doesn't here me out...she also made it seem like getting into the university was no big deal when it meant so much to me. At first I could tell she felt like i wasn't going to get in...and she didn't think I was good enough. She never said...oh you'll get in fine....when i was in first year all she would say was...how do you know if you failed or not...what if you fail/she never had trust in me...The only person who felt happy for me was my one guy friend and my bf...my dad didn't even talk to me when he heard about it from my mom...my mom only talked to me...She's always complained that she enver got to do what she wanted because she had kids...I don't even think she knew what she wanted to do...first she wanted to be a marine biologist but gave that up because she wanted to spend more time with her kids...now she is old and she says she is stuck at home all the time...and makes me feel guilty for getting an education...I don't have anyone in my life to go to accept my friend and my bf...she just ruins everything...every moment. For my grad...she picked out the dress and the jewelry... for my grad she did the same thing...she never had those things....why is that my fault
 ...she was never my friend, never someone I could talk to about my true feelings...I can't do that with my dad either
__________________
 "...I still haven't found what I'm looking for..." (U2)  |
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#2
Mar 01, 2009, 07:46 AM
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well CONGRATULATIONS are in order!!!!
  that is such wonderful news!! i am so very happy for you! as for your mom, you may never get the validation from her since she seems to be stuck in time and is jealous of your accomplishments. it's too bad she can't just give you the support you are looking for. i'd say recognize it for what it is, and just get on with you life.  you can't change your mom or dad but it's looks like you are changing yourself by seeking a higher education. pat yourself on the back and be proud!!! know that we do care and support you. i for one am very proud of what you have accomplished and wish you the very best!!!
__________________
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand |
 myoasis89
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#3
Mar 01, 2009, 01:54 PM
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Quote:
__________________
"...I still haven't found what I'm looking for..." (U2) |
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#4
Mar 01, 2009, 02:30 PM
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Oasis89,
What wonderful news!!! It really hurts when our own parents can't or won't validate our feelings, and our deepest dreams. I want to smack your mother for turning such a great and major event in your life into something about her!! Treasure your dreams. Protect them. Keep them somewhere safe, and don't let your mother color them with her past experiences. Thank you for sharing your awesome news!! EJ Quote:
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| myoasis89
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#5
Mar 01, 2009, 04:53 PM
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Hi,
Your mother sounds very much like my mother. I've spent 54 years trying to have a good relationship with my mother and feeling guilty because that has not happened. How sad is that? I always thought that if I was just "better" (in so many ways) that our relationship would change into a more healthy and happy one that worked for ME too. I now realise that I would have been much happier and better off if I had accepted my negative feelings for my mother a looooooooong time ago. Give yourself a pat on the back for all you have accomplished. It's amazing you are doing as well as you are given the lack of support and lack of unconditional love you have gotten from your parents. Accept all your feelings, good and bad, that you have concerning your mother. There is a reason you feel the way you do. Those reasons may not be apparent right now, but as you mature and keep respecting and validating the feelings you have, your feelings and why you have them will become more clear and obvious to you. Also remember that the only way through "bad" feelings is to FEEL them. There are no short cuts. You will have to grieve the loss of the love and the kind of relationship you wish you could have with your mother and father. If your mother is like mine she will never accept her responsibility for her part in the relationship. YOU (or someone else) will always be the PROBLEM. It may never OCCUR to your mother that she has any responsiblity in the relationship. She may never reach out to you in any meaningful way. Your relationship with her (and your father) may always be at your exspense. Grab your education opportunities. Grab the people you love and who love you. So what if you have only a few people around you who love you - you are lucky to have them! Be true to yourself, it's the only way you will ever be able to learn to love yourself and thus love others. Take responsibility for your decisions and your life. If your mother, or anyone else, ruins certain situations for you, don't invite her into your life, into your special times. If she demands an explanation, tell the truth in the most simple and kind way that you are able. Your mother's problems are her responsibility. You can't fix them for her. It's not your job. It wouldn't be good for her even if you could fix them for her. All you can do for her is be as kindly honest with her as is possible for you (and her) at this time. Go make yourself a good life. Good luck!
__________________
 I'd rather have a visit, note or pretty picture than an "I'll say a prayer" or a "god bless you." Doesn't make me feel better, no meaning to me for sure. Can't stop you from praying and blessing me, and if that makes you feel better feel free.  But keep it to yourself please, don't tell me. And let's all respect each other's feelings. With kindness, support and "sweet dreamings."
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| myoasis89
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#6
Mar 02, 2009, 12:30 PM
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Oh man, I can so relate to your post. But, first things first! Congratulations on getting into the school you wanted and for persuing YOUR dream and no one elses!
 I am no authority on how to get along with your parents. I will tell you that I am in my mid-life and continue to keep trying with my mom, but most of the time, we end up being pissed at each other. In fact, I blew up at her yesterday for some thing that happened a couple of years ago. I am certain there will be no reparing that explosive rage I had. And then I turned around and hugged my father and told him I love him and that I'll talk to him soon. After that I was as calm as could be. Weird. My mother is just a 'trigger' for me. And unfortunately, I just cannot be around her. Maybe one thing you could say to your mom is that you are so proud of your accomplishments and that you are looking forward to learning. Ask your parents to dinner to go out and celebrate your accomplishments. Keep refocusing the purpose of the dinner on YOU! Maybe it might help if you asked her opinion on how to decorate your dorm room, apartment, bedroom (wherever you are going to stay while in school). Shopping with my mom is one of the rare times we do get along. That and talking about books and movies. Shallow, yes. But I have just learned to ignore her stupid responses to anything. Now, your dad's reaction must have hurt. I know that it would have broken my heart if my dad reacted that way. I don't know if I helped you any, but I so understand how hurt you must be. Peace be with you hon.
__________________
~Maxi~  "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Suess |
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