How to initiate communication skills

I have aquired communication skills and a knowledge of my own emotional needs from prior drug counseling. I believe these are very important needs. I believe that in any relationship, these needs must be met, which is impossible without communication. However, that is the single barrier in this relationship. I have come to a roadblock every time I try to initiate communication on our feelings for one another and just general everyday issues. It frustrates us both. I am frustrated; he is wise, however close-minde to the concept of freely expressing true emotions. He isn't aware or receptive to my expressions-often saying "if there isn't a problem, you have to make one". I try to tell him that there isn't a 'problem', necessarily, just a situation that we must work out. He usually communicates agressively with sarcasm, or passively-until it is just too much, then agressively tells me(or worse-shows me with mixed messages and insults) whatever problems communication may have more effectively solved. I am not always one to continue using the skills I know to be effective after becoming frustrated or hurt. It is all such a waste when love is supposed to prevail.
I would like some suggestions on how to 'open' his mind to the concept of communication, and on keeping myself focused on the issue, on assertiveness.

Don't worry about the future, The present is all thou hast; The future will soon be present, And the present will soon be past.

hi betty,

are you concerned about communicating with your significant other? And is it just about "issues" or is it communicating all the time? i actually don't have any specific suggestions. i don't particularly communicate well myself. i do know that the few times i've had arguments with people were due to lack of two-way communication. sometimes i think i'm communicating, but it's actually just me thinking in my head.

i found this neat : <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.queendom.com/tests/relationships/communication_skills.html>communication skills test</A> on line at www.queendom.com. it's kind of fun. maybe if both took it, it would stimulate conversation = communication? just a thought.

best wishes,

splash

Communication is the number one problem which sinks relationships. Or I should say, lack of clear, good communication.

The problem in your case appears to be that you have communication skills, while your significant other (SO) does not. And he does not care to learn any.

The solution would appear to be that he either learns to acquire such skills (and be encourage to know how important they are for him to acquire), or the consequences of continuing without them is likely to drive you out of the relationship eventually. It's that simple. If you can't communicate with your SO, then it's not going to last very long. Or if it does last long, it's because one person is sacrificing their happiness.

Everyone could learn to be better communicators, but the biggest problems are between women and men. We come from different ways of thinking about things, and often, different value systems. John Gray has nailed this issue on the head with his series of books about Mars and Venus. Won't help you much, since you've already got the skills. But it may help others...

DocJohn

If I were in your shoes I would ask my SO to go to a counselor with me to work these things out. Sometimes it frustrates us so how the unskilled communicator acts that we cannot get the point across of how important such skills are in order for a relationship to survive. Personally, sarcasm to me is another word for rudeness often. It's hard for me to tolerate that when it is often belittling and leaves a person feeling worthless after awhile. I would probably draw the line and tell him to either get help with me or we have to forget this. You see, it's because I don't want to be hurt any more and cannot put up with that kind of treatment. He may not know how he sounds and probably learned his ways while he was growing up. Not to defend him but just to say that he has long standing habits that will take time and patience and a counselor to work on them. There is plenty of couples counseling available and in the yellow pages under marriage and family counseling usually or under counselors or psychologists. You may know someone who went through such counseling and has a recommendation for a counselor. Part of the reason for you to be there to is so that you can be heard by him with the help of a counselor. I think it's worth it if you think the relationship is serious enough and if you want to stay with him long term. If he refuses couples counseling, to me, that is an indication of non-committment to you. Then it is up to you what you want to do. Stay or suffer? But I hope he agrees to counseling and you live happily ever after! Good luck to you.