[valexand]

Friends,

Time is slowly approaching. My workplace is sending me to a meeting. My ex is going to be there. What makes things worst...he's bringing his future wife with him!!!! (They got engaged on my birthday!!) I get dizzy with anxiety when I think of this.
Bumping into him will be unavoidable. The thing is that during our "apart" years, he immediately moved on with someone else while I've been single all this time. Although he was the one to break things off with me, for some reason he looks incredibly happy knowing that I'm alone in life.
He knows that I'm still alone. He's going to rub his engagement in my face. He's so arrogant. I'm sure he'll do stuff like hold her hand and kiss her in public, which are things he never did with me. Generally he was never affectionate with me the way he is with her. I really loved him but our relationship sucked. He was not nice to me.
I don't know to respond to this. How should I act? How should I function? Should I show what I really feel? Should I be emotionless? Should I pretend that I'm happy? Do I say "hi" to him only? Do I speak to both of them? Gosh, this will be so painful. To be honest, I don't want to speak to them at all. I don't even want to look at them. I know I'm going to sound immature here but.....too often I daydream that I'm big and strong and punching both their lights out!!!!!!! I hate their happiness. Yea, I guess I'm not a nice person, what can I say...
The sight of them will make me cry, I'm sure. How can I hold it together? THROW IN AS MANY TIPS AS YOU CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! What would you do?

[KathyM]

Yeah, we don't want to open up the newspapers to read "Fight Breaks Out at a Meeting - Participants Now Hairless."

If it were me, I'd give them both a cordial "hello" then go back to cordially greeting everyone else at the meeting. I would avoid conversing on a personal level because it would give them the chance to rub it in your face. I would try my best to focus on the purpose of the meeting and focus my attention on others. I would also try to stay as upbeat and positive as possible, without it looking phony. Let him see you happy, fulfilled and content with your life. You are single and free....he just may be carrying a ball and chain.

Good luck...keep your chin up.

Me ? I would smile relax and be happy ! I would go to them rather than wait till they come to me smile and shake her and his hand and mention the engagement and congratulate them ! Then carry on as normal as if it was just a normal meeting .....

Go home cry get drunk and thank my lucky stars I am not with the arrogant pig anymore

[valexand]

Smile at them? Go to them? Shake their hands as well????? Wish them well?? Gosh! How does one do this? I'm going to die a thousand times inside of me.
Truth is...I don't wish them well. I wish them nothing. I don't care about them but I really hate his happiness. He doesn't deserve it! Why does he get to have happiness yet I'm left to live a life alone?
I am not good at acting guys. Even if I do try to sell this image, of me being "ok" with everything and their happiness and of me leading such a happy and interesting life......HE will not buy it! He knows me too well.
First of all I won't be able to look at them in the face. I cannot bare to look at his face. So how will I go there and say "hello"?
Second, I am not capable of pretending to be happy. My face, especially my eyes always betray me. People that know me always comment on this, that my eyes always show what I feel.
I need an "Oscar-winning-performance" of me being just so happy in my new life without him and that I couldn't be luckier for being on my own rather than with him. How do I do this?

[KathyM]

I'm the same way - my eyes would give it away. If I were forced to speak of my "happiness" face to face, I'm sure my voice would expose the sadness from deep within.

Build up those walls around your heart. Don't give him (and especially HER) the satisfaction of seeing you unhappy. Stub your toe hard, then go to the mirror and practice your happy smiling face. Think back to a beautiful and happy moment in your life that did NOT include him, and take it with you to the meeting. Be cordial, but don't be too happy because that could give it away - it's too unnatural, given the circumstances.

The man you knew no longer exists. The man you will see at the meeting will only look like someone you once knew, and he'll be with a woman you don't care to know. Treat them accordingly. It will most likely really bother your ex to see he never mattered to you. It might even make his fiance question why she has taken your garbage.

It's just one meeting. You can do this.

[(JD)]

Practice the "look" you wish to give him IF your eyes meet. I would ignore and avoid them altogether, but not purposely look for them to stay away from them.

Treat them like any other stranger who might be there, except you DON'T wish to meet them. lol

Let THEM feel awkward instead of you. YOU belong there, you've done nothing "wrong" they are the ones who have "broken" basic societal norms, not you.... let them deal with it.

If he seeks you out and tries to "push" the ring into your face tell him to "get over it." He's hurt you for the last time. You might tell him so.

It IS common for exes to want to remain in contact. It's a type of having the cake and eating it too. Don't allow him the feedback he demands.

[lynn P.]

Hi Valexland,
I can understand how you're feeling, but I'd like to help you see it a different way. So often in our society we paint such a nasty picture about divorce and the battling ex's. One day on Oprah I saw Demi Moore and she was talking about how she and her ex Bruce Willis have such an amicable split. She said not only are they still friends, but actually go on family vacations together (that pushing it) with her new hubby. I really thought that was such a positive way to end things. Now I realize not everyone can do that, especially if there was abuse, but it sure saves alot of frustration and brain energy.
Another way you can think is - you and he weren't happy and he right away went into another relationship. Since he obviously didn't have time to fix them, he's probably making the same mistakes with her - and I bet they aren't as happy as you think they are. If I were you I would be happy he's gone. When you see him be nice and be cheerful to her and I would even go so far as to congratulate them. He will be so shocked because I'm sure he wouldn't expect you to act like that. I bet, when the meeting is over, he'll secretly feel a little disappointed that you didn't seem bothered at all. Don't let it bug you that he's found someone and you haven't yet. You're smart in taking your time and healing first. I'm sure he's already told his fiance what to expect from you - do the opposite and you'll feel better knowing that you didn't let them see that you were bugged. It's all in the way you choose to look at it. Best of luck.

[bonaire]

Good tips above. Only thing I can say is "he's an Ex". You're talking like him a bit like he's your husband having an affair. You've got a broken heart but you have to live your life, not his. You've stayed single for this time for any reason? Was it in hopes to get back together with him? If so, that isn't happening (he has this girlfriend/fiance) - so the best thing for you is to just treat him as an Ex and start to build strength to push him away.

I have warm feelings about Ex's too. I know one of my ex's got married on my birthday - so that's not hard to forget. At this point in life, your relationship guidance lies within you. If you want someone in your life you have to attract that into your life - if you want to stew over this guy who is long-gone, then you will attract that into your life too. You make the world you want to live in - so buy the right ingredients to make a different receipe. If you want to worry about this guy, you will make that happen.