[SweetCrusader]

We used to be so close, it was unhealthy. Totally enmeshed. Now, it seems she has no use for me. I saw her this weekend for one evening, after a couple months without seeing her.

I had the same old issues I have every time I see her. One of these days I am going to learn to shut her out enough that it doesn’t hurt when she does this. Since I was coming from farther North than she was, and she would be driving down South to get back home about the same time, I offered to pick her up on the way so we could drive together. We planned on that, but she failed to tell me that my little sister K wanted her there 3 hours before prom, to help with her hair. So I called her from my cell as I left town, only to find out that she would have to leave before I got to her in order to be on time to do K’s hair. I told her I would reach her at 2:30. So she said she wouldn’t be able to wait for me.

Instead, she went over to her “friend"'s house and they went and sat in the park until almost 3. I got to her city a little earlier than I’d planned (got there about 2:00), so I tried to call her, but no answer because she turned off her cell and left it in the car. So another hour down the road, she calls and asks where I’m at and tells me she’s on the road, a while behind me.

So, you know, she couldn’t wait so we could ride together, because she’d be late. But to spend time with this guy, she could leave a half hour later than I would have picked her up. Ya know? Well, I shrugged that one off at first.

So we all get back home and she doesn’t even do K’s hair. My other sister does it, which apparently was the plan all along. And, first my mom says she’s so glad I came down because it’s been months since she’s seen me. Then, she either sleeps or talks on the phone to one of about 3 guys she talked to that night- rather than talking to me. All night she does this, with the exception of while we were in the prom (she told the guy to call back right after it was over, of course) and when we took my grandparents out for ice cream for my grandma’s birthday. Then she talks to us- about the men she talks to on the phone. She puts her cell phone on silent in the restaurant, but keeps it in front of her while she eats, and checks it continually to see what calls she is missing.

My grandma jokingly said we should take a count of how many guys my mom has dated since her divorce. I think it’s over 30, and she’s only been divorced for like 2 years. At any one time she's dating at least 6-10 guys.

If she wants to date like crazy, then fine. She’s a big girl. But why does it have to be her central focus 24/7, even when she sees me for just a few hours, for the first time in several months?? If she’s not talking to them, she’s talking about them.

These men- the ones who break her heart, the ones she doesn’t even like that much but keeps talking to because it boosts her ego, the ones who are emotionally distant, the ones who are clingy--- they are all more important to her than I am. She doesn’t even see me when I’m sitting right in front of her. And it’s always “I don’t have time for you Angela” but “I have time to stay up all night with Les. Or sit in the park with Bert. Or devote an entire day to fawning over Ray…” and it goes on ad nauseum.

Why is it such a pleasure to talk on the phone to strangers, and such a chore to give a couple of hours of her time to just look at my face and talk to me? I just want her to LOOK AT ME and TALK TO ME. Just one conversation. She doesn’t even have to talk to me about me. She doesn’t have to do anything big or extraordinary. Just care about me. I let her talk about her problems. Even with the focus on her feelings, her relationships, her confusion, her life- she still doesn't have the time of day for me.

How can you sit in the room with your child and not even look at them? How can you sit in the room with your child, after months of being apart, and not talk to them? How can you tell them you have time for everything and everyone but them? All of my siblings feel this way. We have all cried to her and told her we want her attention and love. She just gets angry.

Most of the time I don’t even ask her to try to be motherly toward me. I just ask her to act like I exist and maybe matter enough to hold one uninterrupted conversation once every few months. It seems that is asking for too much emotionally for her to give.

It really hurts and it's also maddening . It drives me crazy and it makes me angry.

Thanks for listening

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Angela}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your mom probably doesn't give you or your siblings the time of day because you're not stroking her ego. She (or her ego) is needy, more so than you and your siblings and in a totally different way. It's not right that she does this, but that's what it sounds like to me.

I'm sorry for your pain, Hun!

Oh Angie, that is just so sad. My heart aches thinking about your situation.

It sounds like your mom defines herself by the men in her life. She MUST be wonderful if all these men want her.....ugh. She doesn't define herself as much as a mom. But of course, for you guys - that's ALL she is and she is failing you miserably. I don't understand it either. It does make me wonder about her childhood relationship with her father. Why is she so damaged when it comes to relationships with men? This surely isn't due to the divorce....it happened much earlier. imho.

It totally sucks when our parents fail, because as kids, we have a right to believe we are #1 in their life. When we aren't...we have a tendancy to blame ourselves. What's wrong with ME that my father doesn't love me? Well, heck...it ain't me, it's him. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Sucks tho, even as an adult. Sucked a lot more when I was a teen.

Ok, now I'm rambling...and about ME no less.

I'm just so sorry you are hurting Ang. I wish we could learn how to accept that a human can make babies, but still not be a parent.

BIG HUGS, Auntie.

[h0kie]

((((((((((Angie))))))))))

I'm sorry your mom is upsetting you. I think Emmy and Tomi are right. She's missing out on a really neat kid. My mom once told me, "I may not be a very good teacher...but I think I'm a good mom." It gave me a real insight into her priorities.

I suppose a positive is, you will not do this to your child. Breaking that cycle is important.

Feel better.

you know what i think? i think your mom is running scared. scared and in denial...she has to have the men but they are only instant gratification....so she zones out on everything else because she's after the quick fix. being a mother is not a quick fix. it is hard work and she's in denial that she needs to be doing that. you're a wonderful person and i really hate that she's like this. it sucks, majorly!! i'm sorry that you spent all that time and didn't even get a connection with her....xoxoxo pat

[Wants2Fly]

((((((((((((((((((((Angie))))))))))))))))))))

My hairdresser has a mom whose like this. It's hard on her, too. I think everything that others have said sounds about right.

I'd add a few things -- Society foists this idea that a female is not a "real woman" without a man on us from a young age; it takes education and will to get over it.

Also, your mom is hitting that time of life where looks fade -- just as one's daughter is coming into her peak and most desirable and attractive years. Not easy. It isn't a "Gilmore Girls" world out there, and society discards its middle age women.

All of which is to say, Angie, that it's not you -- it's her.

(((((((((((((((((((Angie))))))))))))))))))