Hubby and I have had a hard time lately because of my depression, I have not been pulling my weight in the house or with the children leaving it all to him while I wallow in my whatever.

He has a friend who comes around most days ( he is out in the barns only popping in for the odd coffee ) and is with him an awfull lot, well I went out for the day for a hospital appt miles away and when I got back hubby spoke to me about how things have been lately, I took it all on board and am really trying my best to 'pull my socks up' and yes I am finding it hard.

Later on in the evening his friend came in for a coffee and wouldnt give me eye contact, when he left I asked hubby if he had told him anything and hubby replied that yes he spoke to him. He says he was not negative about me just pointing out my depression ( which friend already knows about and I dont mind ) and that because of that I havent been pulling my weight and its getting to him. ( more of the same was said they had the whole day together )

Now no matter how bad it gets I never talk to anyone about hubby in a negative way as I feel that is being disloyal.

Hubby has MPD/DID and is often 'off the plot' or other things related to his disorder, I will sometimes ask from a particular person on here who has the same condition how I should handle a certain situation but never would I dream of being negative.

I know more was said as friend wouldnt give me eye contact and has been a bit short with me but hubby wont volunteer the information and without knowing the right questions to ask he wont tell me.

Am I wrong for being upset by this ?
Should I allow him to talk to his friend ?
Is he wrong in talking to someone outside the marriage without my permission ?

Please advise .....

[Pomegranate]

Ideally, in marriage, husband and wife are able to talk directly to each other about what bothers them. But we need others to talk to also, bounce ideas & and feelings off of, or just vent so we don't hurt the person we are venting about.

Sounds like your husband was venting to his friend, and maybe seeking some advice or simply needed to talk to someone other than you about his negative feelings about you.

The only thing I find odd is the friend's reaction. For him to not understand the relationship dynamics above and feel he has to act ashamed that your husband is his friend and confided in him, or worse, that he has to take sides and treat you bad, is childish and unhealthy.

Maybe you should talk to your husband about THAT. Let him know it's okay to have a friend to talk to, vent, what ever, but maybe he should let the friend know that he loves you and the friend shouldn't treat you any differently just because your husband is blowing off steam or using him as a sounding board.

Or you could try approaching the friend yourself and explain this, if your husband isn't capable of it.

[Stevie Oaksmith]

I do think it is very normal for someone to need to seek advice outside of the marriage/relationship. However, it is impossible to give that person both sides/persepctives since they are only one person. There is no way to pier into the mind of another and know what they are thinking/feeling and relay that to anyone. So all this friend hears is your hubbys opinion/frustration etc. You should find someone to bounce your ideas off of, like you have done here, it does help to share and state your issues to others outside of the confines of a relationship. Do not hold this against your hubby, at least he is seeking some advice even if it may not be from the best possible choice. At least he is trying, just like you are. It is good you can talk to each other, that should be the most productive if you can both maintain a calm demeanor and talk civily and openly without fear of consequences. Keep seeking answers and keep talking, the worst is if you cut off all contact and isolate yourself. You have a husband who loves you, thrive on that, make the most of it, acknowledge it, that may even help you out of your depression. Good luck